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Archives: Mar 1999

Hooray For Random Beatings

Note: This column was written during my sophomore year at the University of Wisconsin-Superior, and published in the Promethean.

That stupid Promethean! They’ve had all this time to put out a paper, and it’s nothing but a bunch of crap in some new crap format! And now I read through the whole thing, and all they can supply me with at the end is some fat-headed Irish kid writing a column about nothing?!? Let’s beat them! Beat the entire staff! Drag that Paul Ryan kid out by the flagpole and beat him with a wiffleball bat until he cries and confesses to being a woman! (Note: Paul Ryan is not really a woman. It is just that when you are beaten viciously with a giant plastic bat with holes in it, you tend to scream out anything that will make people run the other way. –ed) Put pudding in their shoes! Tell them that if you ever see them on the street without socks on, you’ll dislocate their shoulders! Rebel! Rebel!