Note: This column was written during my junior year at the University of Wisconsin-Superior, and published in the Promethean.
Hello, and welcome back to school. If you’re a fan of my writing, you can rest assured that this year’s Ramblings column will provide just as much usefulness as last year’s– absolutely none. If you’re a new freshman, hopefully you’ll find this column funny, goofy, silly or good for reading in the can. If you’re a new freshman girl, I’m single, rich and popular, except for the last two. I’m also not quite as ugly as all those girls on campus say I am. Really! I look like Brad Pitt if he was really, really ugly and had no muscles. But enough about me and my phone number (715-394-8335). Let’s get down to business.
As a service to new freshmen, I will list everything fun that there is to do off-campus during the week:
Since I’m such a nice guy, I will also list everything fun to do on the weekends:
—everything on the weekdays list
Now that you all know that, be prepared to sit in your dorm room and watch your three and a half channels of television (PBS only counts as half a station) all day long.
Well, this is merely the first issue of the year, so I’ll stick with the freshman theme by giving tips on how to get through that all-important first year.
Tip #1: When getting in trouble for doing something stupid, keep in mind that the more your parents yell at you for it, the more likely it is that they did the exact same thing when they went to college.
Tip #2: If you’re into weird stuff (i.e. homemade bombs, crack pipes, or “Hello Kitty” products), your “shy, afraid to leave home, I lived in a city with a population of six” type roommate might not take kindly to it.
Tip #3: No matter how pretty she is, having 16 different posters of Katie Holmes will scare others more than impress them.
Tip #4: Guys: I don’t care what they do where you’re from, don’t roll up your jean shorts. Girls: I hate capri pants. So does everyone else. Everyone except you. So what the heck’s wrong with you? This paragraph is filled with sentence fragments. So don’t ever write a paper like this. Or your professor will beat you.
Tip #5: If your professor beats you, it’s not this column’s fault.
This is basically how “Ramblings” goes. Tidbit after tidbit full of goofiness. This issue’s column is just a small teaser that will be followed by longer columns in future Prometheans. Always keep in mind that this column is here for you, the students. don’t be afraid to speak up. If you have anything goofy you’d like to add, a comment you’d like to make, or a complaint about something I wrote, drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org, or call our office at 715-394-8335. [Note: e-mail address and phone number no longer in use.]