Note: This column was written during my junior year at the University of Wisconsin-Superior, and published in the Promethean.
“Hey there. Nice to see you again. Who’s your friend there? Yes, the girl to the right. The big one that’s eating. *slap* I guess I deserved that. So what are you doing this weekend? We should go see a movie. Can’t you wash your hair some other night? Seriously, I’m into you– in fact, I was just telling my friend Tom here how I’m not even all that concerned about how a girl looks. *kick* That wasn’t very nice. My groin is stinging like crazy– are those steel-toe boots? Where are you going? Can you get me an ice pack?!??
St. Patrick’s Day falls on a Friday this year. On this fine Irish day, many students ask me what they can do to promote Irish heritage.
Being the young Irish hooligan that I am, I am happy to help. Start by involving yourself with things that are closely associated with the Irish, such as:
—four leaf clovers
—Lucky Charms cereal
I hope these long, detailed instructions helped. Other things I do on St. Pat’s Day that aren’t necessarily associated with Irish culture are:
—swearing at elderly people
—swearing at young people
—swearing at people your own age
—beating up junior high children for smiling too much
—singing while urinating inside buildings
Believe it or not, another fun yearly event happens in March at UWS: safer sex week. This year I have decided to do the community a service by testing condoms to see exactly what their limits are.
After investigating and realizing that no one wanted to have sex with me, I was forced to rule out that approach. So instead, I conducted a series of odd, unusual and terribly unrealistic tests involving situations that would never come up. But nevertheless, here are the results. I hope you enjoy them, and I also hope that they are in no way similar to how you use condoms. Also, don’t let your kids look at the pictures that go with this column, you silly non-trad students.
This picture was supposed to be in the regular issue, but our computer is a vicious assmaster. Yes, I did say “assmaster.” In fact, I enjoy saying “assmaster” a lot. Anyway, here’s a picture of a test I didn’t tell you about.
How Strong is a Condom?
Test #1: expandability
For this test, I pulled a condom over my head. The condom broke, but I found that it still stayed together well enough to suffocate me. I then found that by cutting nose and mouth holes for air, I could really scare the neighborhood children. This test teaches us a variety of things, though none of them actually involve safer sex.
Test #2: toughness
For this test, I ran over a condom multiple times with my car (It broke when I peeled out). I then tried to stretch one over my tire, so I could see how many highway miles it would last, but it wouldn’t fit. This test told us a lot of things, none of which can be printed in a newspaper.
Test #3: large impacts
Here, I decided to fill condoms with water and throw them off the top floor of the library. They broke when they hit the ground, but not when they hit people. Luckily, I was not arrested during this test.
Test #4: large impacts 2
For this one, I filled a condom with water and played a 15 minute floor hockey game with it. We went through nearly 17 condoms, which did nothing but cause the 15 year-old cashier at Walgreens to never want to date me.
Test #5: worthless
In this final test, I put one condom in a blender, and set another one on fire. This made for a quality time for all involved.
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Finally, the results from last month’s “change the column name” survey are in! Of course, I always ignore all suggestions made to me, but here’s the results anyway:
41 Total Votes
*Paul’s Time of the Month: 41%
*Why You Shouldn’t Drink Lysol During Pregnancy: 21%
*Keep with “Ramblings”: 19%
*Dr. Roboto’s $0.30 Off Shake n’ Bake Column O’ Fun: 7%
*Red Shoe Diaries: 2%