Note: This column was written during my junior year at the University of Wisconsin-Superior, and published in the Promethean.
Whereas, the students of this University hate all school planned events and usually go get tossed instead; and
Whereas, in over 2,000 years of life on earth plus the B.C. years, learning and fun have never gone together; therefore
Be it resolved that all of this year’s remaining educational activities will be replaced by a giant wading pool filled with liquor. Especially the pointless senate elections that had no contested candidates anyway.
Speaking of elections, I recently conducted an election of sorts. I created a questionnaire for you folks to fill out. Here are some of the answers I received:
*When do you read the Promethean?
Most readers said they read it as soon as it comes out, but one reader had a different sort of answer. Fletch F. Fletch (possibly a fake name) informed me that he reads the Promethean “when I poop.” Fletch also claimed to be a four year-old, a shepard and a Hustler subscriber. Obviously, these “poop” answers do not go over well with my professional journalistic standards. I expect serious and meaningful answers, not this tom poopery (instead of tom foolery. Ha ha! Get it? *pause for hilarious laughter…none present*).
*What was your favorite Ramblings this year?
The “picnic table by the dumpster behind Burger King” issue was the favorite. I am shocked and apalled by the fact that no one voted for the pornography extravaganza issue. Anything with the word “pornography” in it should be the unchallenged winner, no matter what the contest is.
*Which of these pictures (click here to review survey) offends you most?
As expected, Erik was the winner. This just adds to his chances of winning my annual “Ramblings Complete Tool of the Year” award. The winner of this prestigious award will be announced in a later paragraph. And don’t even think of looking ahead, jackass.
*Draw a picture of Paul Ryan.
Chad Gustafson drew this winning picture. In real life I have more body hair than this.
*Do you like Queen Latifah?
People like Queen Latifah about as much as Rod Stewart naked.
*What is today’s date?
This question did nothing but create large scribblings of profanity on the questionnaire.
*Who should I draw a picture of for my next column?
Winner: Chris Voltzke, Student Senate president.
*How do you like your Erlenbach?
Julius plays one for his homies
This vote was unanimous– “french horn player Erlenbach” is indeed how people like their Erlenbach. There wasn’t a single vote for anything else. And because you asked for it, I had my sources uncover an unauthorized photo of french horn playin’, casual shirt wearin’ Julius. Enjoy. But let’s move on.
I invented that survey you just read. In fact, over the years I’ve invented a lot of things:
—mint flavored hot dog buns (1985)
—recipe for “better than scurvy” cake (1993)
—Chris Voltzke (with Ms. Voltzke in 1978)
Well, the year has come to a close, and I feel it is this column’s job to sum it up by pointing out it’s largest faults. This is done by choosing one person who has made an ass of themselves time and time again.
The winner this year was close. After discussing many candidates, I’ve decided that senator Erik is the winner (by a landslide). He will receive the “Ramblings Complete Tool of the Year” award crumpled in the mail.