Note: This column was written during my senior year at the University of Wisconsin-Superior, and published in the Promethean.
Paul Ryan, Columnist
Now that the Promethean is coming out twice a month to better cover the news of our campus (which consists mainly of hockey games and students barfing on each other), things are going to have to get more exciting around here. Otherwise, we’ll be forced to fill these pages the only way we know how: with blatant profanity.
In order to help out, I’ve come up with a list of events that, as unrealistic as they may be, would be quite exciting to see happen at UWS.
—Arnold Schwarzenegger returning to coach our gymnastics team, like he did in their titan years of 1937-1942.
—The chancellor making a speech that doesn’t include the phrase “It’s always a beautiful day in Superior.”
—Me getting laid.
—A spokesperson from Busch Light admitting that their “beer” is in fact just dirty tap water.
One thing I’d like to see that wouldn’t be covered by our paper: Bette Midler being involved in a TV show or movie that doesn’t suck. Lousy !#@*% Bette Midler!
Now, as much as I despise having to think up fresh poop jokes every two weeks for you folks to laugh at and later use against me, I actually couldn’t wait for school to start this year.
Granted, most times when I use “school” and “excitement” in the same sentence, I’m describing some sort of indecent exposure charges being brought against me, but this year it was because I had volunteered to be an Orientation Group Leader (OGL).
I was overjoyed last spring after reading the orientation flyers titled, “Be an OGL– get some poontang!”, and I came ready to go this year. But to my great disappointment, they actually expected us to do work!
There was no poontang (there wasn’t even any “Tang”). There was no daily venison and eggs breakfast. There was no wet t-shirt contest judged by Neil Diamond and Mr. T. I had been tricked.
It was a good experience, though. I learned quite a bit about myself through the wonderful comments given to me by the new students. Comments like, “you’d be really cute if you didn’t talk”, “If you shaved your head, it would look like a giant testicle” and “you dance like my crippled grandmother.” As usual, my gratefulness can’t quite be explained with words.
In addition to all this orientation fun, I also went swimming in Lake Superior. This event has left me unable to have children until my area is done thawing out.
While we wait for that treat to happen, I’ll close by giving some advice to freshmen.
—While at a keg party, never let a senior get you a beer. I’ll probably just pee in your cup. Or I mean they. Yeah, that’s it.
—While having sex on campus, keep in mind that the vents allow the people above you to hear everything. Especially phrases like, “who’s your daddy?”, “ride me cowboy” and “oh baby, oh baby, you’re smooth like pudding.”
—Don’t ever get a job at Perkins. Don’t you remember how you usually treat them when eating there?
I hope this has been enjoyable for you. If not, you probably work at Perkins, which means you don’t count anyway. Just kidding. Maybe.