Note: This column was written during my senior year at the University of Wisconsin-Superior, and published in the Promethean.
Paul Ryan, Columnist
A dedicated and respected journalist must be able to cover a variety of subjects, and must be prepared for the vast amount of unique personalities they will encounter in the interviewing process.
An easygoing, pressure-free interview with the Pope or our nation’s president is much easier and different than the complex, complicated and nerve-racking task of interviewing Ted Danson.
In my time here in Superior, I have interviewed the good, the bad and the ugly. Especially the ugly. I need a challenge. I need an interview that is both groundbreaking and revolutionary. The only way I could possibly improve my current untouchable credibility and impeccable maturity level in writing is to interview someone that has refused comment for years: my roommate’s dog.
I will inform my advisor immediately about this grand and noteworthy capstone requirement-filling possibility.
Paul: I hate to start with a tough issue, but I understand your owner recently had your testicles cut off. How’s that treating you?
Dog: Dog drools and stares blankly at me, breaking wind repeatedly.
P: I see. The food here seems to be giving you a little trouble.
D: Dog begins licking his own butt.
P: You get a camera shot of that, Mark? Good! Let’s see Mike Wallace top that! Speaking of cleanliness, does anyone attend to housekeeping duties in your home?
D: Dog begins humping banister post.
P: Interesting. I’m not quite sure how that works when he’s already been neutered, but brilliant nonetheless. I can see this is going to be a lengthy and splendid interview.
D: Dog urinates on cameraman, then runs headfirst into a nearby wall, nearly knocking himself unconscious.
P: Breathtaking. Though few words were spoken, the interviewee opened up to me in ways few people have.
Aaron Brown: Stop this column at once! It’s disgusting and filthy and unnecessary!
D: Dog runs outside, poos in former Editor in Chief Aaron Brown’s car.
P: Paul rolls around in grass outside, laughing until he pees himself. Begins eating poisonous-looking mushrooms in the yard for fun.
D: Salutations, Mr. Ryan. It seems you’ve soiled your britches. Care for a Fig Newton?
P: Dog’s voice…sounds like…Whoopi Goldberg.
Monkey with cowboy hat on: I dislike the “Family Circus” comic strip.
Fig Newton: Yo freaky- wanna smoke some crack?