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Archives: Apr 2001

Please stop discussing my magnificent ass in public

Note: This column was written during my senior year at the University of Wisconsin-Superior, and published in the Promethean.

Paul Ryan, Columnist

Please. Stop. Please stop. I know my creamy white Buttocks are superb, but please stop discussing Them in public. They’re talked about in buses, trains and electric motored auto-mo-bile cars. They’re admired from afar, middle range, light strength binocular range, and even up close. If I should ever have to come to a sudden stop, many a people would find themselves getting a face full of my splendid Ass.

Yes, my subtle yet striking and delicious-looking Bottom is indeed a finely crafted machine. It gleams with a polished shine, almost smiling at you as you stare at It. Those of weaker mental strength often weep when in Its presence.

Vote me, Paul Ryan, as your next Student Senate President

Note: This column was written during my senior year at the University of Wisconsin-Superior, and published in the Promethean.

Paul Ryan, Columnist

Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking. “Paul Ryan as Student Senate president? You’ve got to be kidding!” Well, I am not.

Granted, I haven’t really filled out the needed petitions or put my name on the ballot, but vote for me anyway. This brings me to my campaign slogan:

“VOTE FOR ME, STOOPID!”