Note: This column was written during my senior year at the University of Wisconsin-Superior, and published in the Promethean.
Paul Ryan, Columnist
Man, am I pissed. Really pissed. Okay, I thought that for my last column, it would be really funny to harass our chancellor, Julius Erlenbach. So I posted his picture on a website called hotornot.com. Basically, this website lets you post your picture so that others can rate how “hot” you are.
So I thought it would be really, really, REALLY funny to post Julius’ picture and see what people rated him at.
Obviously, a staff member pointed out to me that it would be unfair to just post Julius’ picture. In order to do it right, I would also have to post my picture on the site, and make it into a contest of sorts. I figured that since most of the people on this website are teenagers, he wouldn’t stand a chance. I was wrong.
I lost! I FREAKING lost a hottie contest with the Chancellor! Ummm…not that the Chancellor is a bad-looking guy, I mean, he’s hot and all, just not that kind of young lustful teenage groupies kind of hot, y’know? Ha ha! No hard feelings, right old sport?
Anyway, the picture I took was from when I had this weird beard-o thingy going on, ’cause I was in a play and I had to grow it and they made me and I really didn’t like it and stuff and yeah ummm…yeah. And plus I was having a fat day, alright?!?
Another reason for my shocking loss might of been because I didn’t post a picture of my magnificent ass, but instead posted a picture of my hideous and incredibly unattractive face. But then again, I just posted a file photo of Julius, which couldn’t have possibly received the great ratings that a picture of him in his speedo at the Gates Gym pool would have brought.
And just to set the record straight, there is absolutely no chance whatsoever of me taking a picture of Julius in his speedo. If you want to, that’s your own creepy lifestyle, not mine.
But moving on, I’m going to stop and go get some lunch before finishing this column.
Okay, I’m back.
So in conclusion, please don’t beat me to a bloody and lifeless corpse, Julius. Just be happy that you won, and take pride in knowing that you are currently considered “hot” by many young women and probably even a few men who were pretending to be women on the website. I bow down to your hotness, you strangely-hotter-than-me-despite-what-reality-tells-us beefcake. Not that you’re a bad-looking…oh, screw it. Never mind, JUST NEVER MIND!!