Note: This column was written during my final semester at the University of Wisconsin-Superior, and published in the Promethean.
Paul Ryan, Columnist
I wasn’t upset when you stole my checkbook. I wasn’t upset when you spent $1,000 of my money. I wasn’t upset when you racked up almost $100 worth of overdraft fees on my account either, but I am pretty pissed off that you decided to use my money to shop at T.J. Maxx.
Do you realize what this does to my image? T.J. flippin’ Maxx? Come on! Right now, dozens of bank employees, T.J. Maxx cashiers, and possibly even police officers actually may think that I shop there!
Sure, I may already have a wide variety of random booze and hardcore narcotics sellers on my checkbook stubs, but T.J. Maxx . . . no, I can’t handle that. This simply will not be tolerated.
For days, I have searched high and low for you, thief. I haven’t found you yet, but I will soon enough, because I know one thing for sure: you’re dressed like a damn sissy. Plus, there’s only two different styles at T.J. Maxx. There’s sissy style and wussy style. I imagine you’re the sissy type.
Well mark my words: I’ll get you, sissy boy.
Another thing about you is that you’re not very bright. I also noticed that you bought a Sprint PCS cellular phone with the checks you stole from me. I got the bill in the mail the other day. Remember when I called you? Just in case you forgot, I’ll recount the conversation for you.
Paul: Hi, who’s this?
Thief: What? Who are you?
Paul: I’m the guy whose checkbook you stole.
Thief: Oh. How are you?
Paul: Fine, except for one thing.
Thief: What’s that?
Paul: You stole my f*&%[!# checkbook!
Thief: Oh. Well other than that, how are things?
Paul: I’m sorry, could you speak up? I’m having trouble hearing you. Hey, isn’t this supposed to be one of those really clear cellphones?
Thief: Yes, it is quite static-filled. I am disappointed with my purchase as well. Say, kind fellow, you aren’t by any chance tracing this call, are you?
Paul: No, unfortunately not. I didn’t realize we’d be gabbing so much, friend, otherwise I would have asked for the assistance of a public safety department officer. I originally intended to just call you a dirty assface and hang up.
Thief: You don’t say! What a filthy little slut you are!
Paul: Oh! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Paul: Hahaha! Say, can I have my checkbook back?
Thief: Ummm . . . no.
Damn you, clever thief! I almost had you then, but you managed to escape my grasp. In fact, I’m sure that the speedy and reliable police force of Duluth are hot on your trail right now.
Of course, it’s been a week since I called the police, and they still haven’t stopped by my house to pick up the cellphone bill or the photocopies of the stolen checks, like they said they would. But hey, I’m sure they’re working really hard on my case. Reeeeeeeaaaaaaaally hard. Really.