I will move your shit for you. I will move your shit fast like the dickens. Your shit will move so fast that you will gasp loudly and say, “My shit moved fast.” I will move your shit to the exact fucking location where you specify. I will charge a fee that will not fucking upset you.
I will drink many glasses of water the night before I come to move your fucking shit. That way I will not be hung-over. I will not huff the Sharpie markers you use to label your shit. I will put all your shit in my awesome van and fucking move it. My van is fucking awesome for moving all your biggest fucking shit.
I will not scratch or fuck up your shit when I move it. I will not take your pristine shit and fuck it all to hell. If your shit is fucked up, it is because your shit was already fucking broken. I am as reliable as all fucking hell.
If you bother me, ask stupid questions, or act like a dumb asshole while I am moving your shit, I will totally not say anything rude. Even if you are a total fuckface who deserves to have someone pee in your mouth while you are asleep, I will be as silent as a motherfucker. I am totally polite and shit.
If you fall asleep while waiting for me to pack your shit, you will not wake up with my penis in your mouth.
I will not have raunchy, sweaty, ball-slapping sex with you while I move your shit. Not unless you want me to, in which case I will fuck the living shit out of you until babies squirt out of your vagina. I will not fuck your brother in his eye socket while I move your shit. Not unless he wants me to and you want to watch, in which case I will fuck his goddamn eye until my man penis scratches his cornea.
And it will, because I will spend many hours the night before, sharpening my prince albert piercing with a metal blade.
I will not take a dump on the floor in your old place of residency, because I do not want you to lose your deposit. However, if you have already lost your deposit, I will wipe my ass on every square inch of your old place. I will slip the outside doorknob into my anus, so your former landlord will be unable to escape the shameful residue my poop cave has left behind.
I might be naked while moving your shit, but my nude ass will not rub against items that stain easily. I will not pee on your shit while moving it, or at least not intentionally. I will not speak ill of the Jews while moving your shit.
I will not drink whiskey while moving your shit. I will bring my own deodorant so I will not have to borrow yours. I will refrain from farting while handling your clothing. I will not belch when I move your shit, because sometimes when I try too hard to belch, I throw up in my own mouth.
I will move your shit really fucking good. You will never be more fucking satisfied than when I am moving your goddamn shit. You will not fucking regret having me move all your awesome shit.