There was a time when celebrity gossip wasn’t the center of our universe. Granted, none of the cavemen or cavewomen from that era are still alive, but it existed. Or at least I hope it did. It’s hard to be sure without any living witnesses.
Even before Anna Nicole Smith decomposed and Britney Spears shaved her head for non-cancer related reasons, there was always gossip. The act of talking crap about others is hard-wired into our brains. Before we had outrageous blogs and tabloids, TV provided the latest celebrity news. Before television, we had front stoops where people gathered to talk trash about their neighbors. Before talking was invented, we just threw rocks at people we thought were scandalous.
Gossip was always big. It was the area of coverage that was small.
That’s not the case anymore. Many mornings I wake up and find myself asking questions like, “Who is this Bai Ling woman from China, and why are her nipples slipping?” or “Why is James Cameron in Jerusalem diggin’ for Jesus, and how long does he have before someone assassinates him? All John Lennon did was write a song about a world without heaven. I’d hate to think what they’ll do to someone who claims to actually find Jesus’ non-resurrected corpse.”
See? Even in a column where I’m mocking gossip, I’m still eagerly discussing it. The only way to escape this primal urge is to climb into that cave where Cameron found Jesus and have construction workers cover the opening with dirt.
Things are even worse in Los Angeles. Here our entire economy depends on how often celebrities do moronic things. Detroit has the auto industry, Arkansas has Walmart, and LA has show business. It’s not uncommon to see the LA Times discussing how Lindsay Lohan’s rehab stint may affect ticket sales for her latest movie. Shocking as it may seem, it does actually matter. When studios lose money, people lose jobs.
Fortunately, the more retarded celebrities act, the more America pays attention and the better LA’s economy does. For instance, when Paris Hilton admitted to making that sex tape, the price of Metro bus passes went down 30 cents. Everybody watched the gossip shows, read the tabloids and browsed the muckraking tittle-tattle websites, creating industry growth. When Michael Richards apologized for his racist rant and disappeared from the news for months, LA’s economy plunged into recession.
Thank God Mel Gibson drove drunk in an anti-semitic manner last year. Without it, California might not have had the money to fight our ridiculously large forest fires. Gibson calling a cop “Sugartits” single-handedly saved the homes of 150 people. Some of them were probably Jewish though, which I’m sure irks him to no end.
So take pride in your addiction to gossip, America. Even though celebrity scandals are ruining TV news, destroying the morals of today’s youth and lowering the IQ of everyone in the country, it’s lowering the taxes of people on the west coast. You buy American cars to help Detroit, and cheese to help Wisconsin, don’t you? Take in some smut and help California. In return, we’ll promise to buy more Summit Pale Ale to help Minnesota.