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Archives: Mar 2007

How to take a sexy column photo

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I’ll post a new column.

You’ll notice I’ve titled this article “How to take a sexy column photo” and not “How I take a sexy column photo”. This is because the way I do things should always be assumed to be sexy. After all, I am your prestigious teacher and you are my reckless, wooden-headed students. So listen up, reader, because I refuse to allow my brain to be clogged with your unsexy ninnery.

There are many ways to shoot a newspaper column photo, but most of those ways are dumb. I’m not going to waste my time posting examples of hideous photos here. You can find them in every newspaper across the country. Newspapers are notorious for hiring excruciatingly ugly people who photograph poorly: Middle-aged men with cat-eye glasses, fat people with unremarkable haircuts, elderly women whose entire wardrobe consists of pink sweatshirts with bears on them.

Chuds like us

You know what’s wrong with this newspaper? There’s too much filthy garbage in it. Flip through some of the pages. Go ahead. Do you see it? Filthy garbage everywhere! Actually, most of the writing here is mature and inoffensive, but on certain pages you’ll find young, arrogant columnists with devilishly handsome new column photos who write filthy “humor” that offends people. I’m not going to name names, but we need to get rid of these chuds*.

*”Chuds Like These” would be a great sequel to the movie “Spies Like Us”.

If a reader finds an article offensive, the writer should be fired. No exceptions. I’m not a fan of censoring opinions or discouraging different styles of writing, I’m just saying everything I don’t like should be removed. And the writer should be hung, like a filthy pirate of yore. And his corpse should be stuffed with plankton and thrown into the shark tank at the Great Lakes Aquarium.

The lottery: Not just for alcoholics anymore!

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I’ll post a new column.

Mega Millions lottery tickets have been popular lately, which means either the unemployment rate is high or the jackpot’s big enough where even people with jobs are getting duped into buying tickets. Since liquor sales haven’t increased lately, I’m going to assume the jackpot is just big.

How dare you have a snowstorm when I don’t live there anymore

C’mon, Duluth. You had twenty-foot snowdrifts last weekend? Really? What the hell happened? Is God still pissed about that Jesus crucifixion thing? Are you sure the snowbanks aren’t just frozen locusts?

There comes a time in every person’s life when they must grit their teeth and shovel the snow from their front walkway. This is not one of those times. For the love of God, get back in your house and don’t come out until the 20-foot snowdrifts melt next August.

If local newscaster Dennis Anderson tells you it’s safe, you may order pizza deliveries from local establishments. But not until Denny says it’s safe.

It’s best to get your mind off the cold by thinking about something else. For instance, think about how much your heating bill will go up now that there’s a giant snowdrift blocking all sunlight from reaching your house.