Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I’ll post a new column.
You’ll notice I’ve titled this article “How to take a sexy column photo” and not “How I take a sexy column photo”. This is because the way I do things should always be assumed to be sexy. After all, I am your prestigious teacher and you are my reckless, wooden-headed students. So listen up, reader, because I refuse to allow my brain to be clogged with your unsexy ninnery.
There are many ways to shoot a newspaper column photo, but most of those ways are dumb. I’m not going to waste my time posting examples of hideous photos here. You can find them in every newspaper across the country. Newspapers are notorious for hiring excruciatingly ugly people who photograph poorly: Middle-aged men with cat-eye glasses, fat people with unremarkable haircuts, elderly women whose entire wardrobe consists of pink sweatshirts with bears on them.
As I’ll show you shortly, column photos don’t have to be this way. Ugly people like you and I can take adequate column photos. All a person needs is a little patience and a lot of Photoshop skills. Did you realize I’m one-eighth Norwegian? Not by my column photo, you didn’t. Thanks Photoshop.
Here’s some great examples of fantastic column photos this rag’s editor wouldn’t allow me to use:
A ravenous feast for the eyes, isn’t it? Talk about a column photo that grabs your attention! This picture is both visually stunning and a perfect way to hide my hideous face. If only Erma Bombeck had been able to do the same, we wouldn’t have had such a drought in child bearing after the parents of baby boomers stopped getting erections.
This column photo of me, circa 1972, was the beautiful result of overstimulation. Normally you loosen a photo subject up with a few glasses of wine and some soft, sexy music. With this photo, I loosened myself up using a few bottles of wine and a Rage Against the Machine album . . . the album they released in 1972. The result is a shocked caught-in-the-act look that only comes when a man gets caught stealing a newsboy cap from a stranger’s home. All charges were dropped because I looked damn good in that cap.
This final photo is the sexual image our modern society has been waiting for to inspire the next sexual revolution. The pure animal lust this photo creates cannot be ignored by any woman, whether a young teenage girl or an elderly shopwoman wearing a pink sweatshirt with bears on it. Even men can’t resist its sexual pull. While mother nature doesn’t allow a straight man to turn gay, this picture does inspire rampant bouts of bi-sexuality. Especially on the Iron Range, for some reason.
Obviously, your photos won’t be as good as mine, but that’s okay. I’ve been writing sexy columns and taking sexy column photos for ten years. Most people don’t hit a home run on their first try. Granted, I did, but you’re not me. Take your time, and find the sexy yet not completely pornographic column photo that fits your writing style. A standard headshot with the background cut out isn’t a column photo, my friends. It’s a slight against mother nature and God himself.