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Archives: Apr 2007

An announcement regarding 9/11 and Virginia Tech jokes

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

 
The rules for offensive jokes have just changed. With the horrendous Virginia Tech shootings last week, 9/11 jokes have now been downgraded to “completely inoffensive”. For a while, 9/11 was our hottest tragedy, the edgiest way for comedy writers, stand-up comics, and general miscreants to easily offend people. But thanks to this new nutcase from Virginia Tech, the “offend with 9/11″ trend has officially passed.

So if you’re drunk at a stuffy party and looking for the most horrific way to be thrown out, don’t make a 9/11 joke. That’s no longer a faux pas. Make a Virginia Tech joke instead. I guarantee you won’t just be asked to leave, you’ll be physically dragged out to the street and thrown in front of a moving vehicle. That’s how hot this new tragedy has become.

Please do not skip school

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I’ll post a new column.

 
You should skip school today.

Oh my god, I’m sorry. That was wrong. I shouldn’t write things like that. School is very important and the things you miss by skipping school will haunt you for the rest of your life.

But look how nice it is outside! It’s sunny! There’s little animals scurrying around the schoolyard, and for once they’re not dying or being eaten by a dog! The sun is giving the whole area a deep, rich glow as it rises in the sky. The wind is blowing ever so slightly, just enough to be refreshing but not so much that it messes up your hair. You can hear the trees rustling and streams of water trickling through the melting snow to the drain at the end of the block. Sometimes reading textbooks isn’t the most important thing in the world, reader.

Don’t skip school! For God’s sake, don’t skip your classes! It’s not right. It’s very important that you attend English class and find out what happens at the end of Antigone. There’s only a little bit left and it’s clear that Eurydice is about to lose her shit. Granted, it’s a fictional play and not actual history, and Sophocles was a bit of a pedophile, and you’re not paying attention anyway because you’re daydreaming about what it would be like to make out with that one freshman who looks so hot all the time, but you must not abandon your studies, even on a day as nice as today.

Please send more weird letters mocking my appearance

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I’ll post a new column.

 
Duluth, MN has a lot of weirdos. I’d estimate about 30 percent of the city’s population is either weird or has recurring weirdness, and not just the kind caused by the meth labs half of you have in your basements. I’m talking weirdness that has been present since birth. I realize this is a hypocritical statement since I’m also a weirdo, but as they say, it takes one to know one.

My editor received a letter from one of you weirdos the other day. The letter said, “Paul Ryan looks like a suicide risk. Is there anyone there who could throw him a lifeline?” It was signed “A faithful reader”, and my column photo was included in the envelope.

Donnymania is sweeping the Northland

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I’ll post a new column.

 
I’ve spent this entire night searching online for pictures of Donny Ness. Does that make me weird?

Oh. I was kind of hoping you’d say “no”. Thanks for being honest, though.

Donny Ness (You can call him Don if you like, but I prefer Donny) has announced he’s running for mayor of Duluth, MN. While I’m excited by this news because I like his politics, I’m also a bit worried about Donnymania sweeping the Northland. Remember Beatlemania, when dangerous mobs of young girls nearly caused riots while chasing after The Beatles? That can still happen, people, and it’s dangerous.