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Archives: Jun 2007

My life is not like Penthouse Forum

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Tuesday I post a new column.

 
There comes a time in every man’s life when he must look God in the eye and say, “Wipe that smirk off your face, wiseass.” Today is that day for me.

God and I have always had a rocky relationship. When I was born, he only gave me the useless skill of writing fart jokes. In junior high school, he gave me diabetes. In college, he guided me toward a degree in print journalism. And yesterday, when I went to the laundry room of my apartment building, there was a moderately attractive woman doing her laundry while dressed only in a t-shirt and panties.

My birthday was two months ago, and though God didn’t send me a card with money in it like my grandmother did, I figured this was his version of a belated gift. I gave a wink towards the sky and said, “Way to spot me, wingman.”

Before I was even done introducing myself, the woman was nonchalantly mentioning her boyfriend. Strike one, two, and three, all in one sentence. Thanks for the great birthday gift, God. I hope you kept the receipt.

For the love of god, let me pay the bill

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Tuesday I post a new column.

 
Where the hell is the check? Why hasn’t the waitress brought the check yet? I’ve asked for it three times. She keeps walking past our table and ignoring us. How can you serve someone a gigantic chili burger with heaping piles of beans and onions – a sandwich with so much chili that it must be eaten with a knife and fork – and leave us for 40 minutes without our check? Is she trying to convince me to ruin their bathroom instead of my own?

I normally have nothing against public restrooms – I don’t have a phobia or anything – I just really shouldn’t use a public one right now. If I’m going to crap out something the size of a loaf of bread, I’d prefer to do it at home. Unless they have a sewer drain the width of a bowling ball, some maintenance will be required afterward. They might have to close down the place for a few days.

That’s nice. Can you dump your boring story into a blog?

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

 
A lot of people hate blogs. Not me. I love them. If half the people I’m forced to converse with every day put everything they wanted to say into a blog, that information would be a hell of a lot easier to ignore. Your son did something really cute the other day? Great. I’ll just skim that part of our conversation. You have some sort of rash that’s been bothering you? Delightful. I’ll just stop reading our conversations entirely.

What a brilliant world it would be if boring people had blogs. One of them would start telling me a boring story and I could sidestep the entire hideous experience by saying, “Oh yeah. I read about that in your blog. Good luck.” I could cut right to the end of unbearable conversations, saving myself hours of suffering each day.

Businesses that have fired me during the summertime

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

 
What’s that you’re feeling right now, reader? Is it summer fever? Is your condition getting worse by the minute? Well, shame on you. That sort of thing is only spread through sexual intercourse. A lot of sexual intercourse. It’s God’s little way of calling you a whore. I’d suggest penicillin.

You’re obviously sick with something. Why else would you spend a lovely summer day reading an alt-weekly newspaper? I know this is the Reader Weekly’s annual “Summer in the Northland” issue (Advertisers drop their panties for theme issues!), but there must be something you can do outside. Isn’t there a group of high school girls holding a car wash fundraiser somewhere? You know at least a few of those girls will be wearing bikini tops.

Sigh. I love those car washes.