Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Tuesday I post a new column.
It’s summertime in Los Angeles, where each year we again answer the question, “What would a middle-aged woman look like if she dressed like a high school girl?” The answer, my friends, is nothing you didn’t already suspect.
Is it still summer up there in Duluth? I can never remember if your warm season includes August. If I recall, your igloos begin melting around the middle of July, but you can start driving semi trucks on Lake Superior in September. No matter. As long as it’s summertime in theory, that’s close enough.
I love summer because I get to see women with fewer clothes on, giving me a better idea of what they look like naked. You may think I’m a sexual deviant – and you’re right – but I’m also smart. I like to know all the facts, just like famous literary character Encyclopedia Brown. If thirsting for knowledge makes him smart, then I’m smart too.
But summer is about more than imagining nudity. It’s also about seeing tattoos that are normally hidden by winter clothing. This is more important than you think. For instance, if a woman is wearing a long sleeve shirt in the winter, how do I know she doesn’t have a tattoo on her forearm that says “I hate Mexicans”? Mexicans are our friends, reader. Worse yet, what if the girl is Mexican and has that tattoo? I don’t like girls with low self-esteem, and summer clothing helps me avoid them.
Here’s another incredibly relevant example: What if a girl I hit on in the winter has a tattoo of Bob Newhart on her shoulder? I wouldn’t know until it was too late. I can’t make love with Bob Newhart watching. Here I am trying to get all worked up for a lady, and Bob Newhart is smiling and looking friendly at me. Scientists have actually proven that it’s physically impossible to get an erection when Bob Newhart is near, even if you are Bob Newhart.
Here’s yet another sterling example: Did you know nearly 62% of women have birthmarks shaped like Jesus Christ? It’s true. That doesn’t keep me from sleeping with them, but it does make me feel guiltier afterward. Did you also know that really thin women sometimes have weird, bony shoulders? That also doesn’t keep me from sleeping with them, but it does sometimes cause me to blurt out inappropriate things like, “Oh my God, look at your creepy shoulders!”. Tank tops give me a heads up in these situations.
The only trouble is when women don’t wear summer clothes. Y’know those dorks who wear jeans year-round, even when it’s 100 degrees out? Those losers aren’t very helpful, and I avoid them at all costs for fear they have leprosy or something else wrong with them.
Granted, I wear jeans year-round, even in 100-degree heat, but I’m a man! Who the hell wants to see my body anyway? Men are always lumpy and unattractive when naked. Having a preview only makes women sadder than they must already be from having to sleep with us.
Besides, what am I supposed to wear? I’m not some 1980s douche who requests Metallica during the rock station’s weekday lunchtime show, so jean shorts are out of the question. I’m not healthy or gay, so runner shorts are no good. That leaves board shorts, which I can’t wear without worrying that a teenager will walk up to me and shout, “Look at this man! He is 28 years old! Jesus!” So I tend to wear jeans.
How about we make a deal, folks? I’ll just give up and wear boxer shorts outside in the summer, and the rest of you can do the same (The flap must have a button). That way we’ll all look stupid, be comfortable, and reveal enough to avoid surprises. We’re all just going to imagine each other naked anyway, so why not cut out the interference?