I’d like to imagine it’s one rogue resident committing all these unspeakable washings. Maybe a mentally retarded resident who doesn’t quite understand the boundaries our society has placed around washing machines. One day the cat looks a little dirty, and the next day the wooden Ikea end tables need to be stained cherry. It’s an understandable train of logic for someone who’s mentally challenged, or from Wisconsin.

But let’s get back to my problem. Shirts that remind people of wet kittens may sound adorable, and even highly marketable, but it’s not a pleasing odor. The smell is more like a mangy street cat that’s been rolling around in expired milk, or a cat that caught on fire, like I saw in a Youtube video once. It is the smell of an undesirable cat, not a lovable Garfield cat. This is a cat that despises lasagna. A cat that greatly prefers Mondays to other days of the week. A cat that would murder Jim Davis if given half a chance.

I’m left with few options in this debacle. I could use a laundromat, but let’s be honest, that’s where lonely old men go to describe their medical ailments to strangers. Also, I’ve already been banished from two nearby laundromats by the old Armenian woman who owns them. She was furious that I used her change machine without doing my laundry there. “I remember your face! I remember everything!” she screamed at me the last time.

That crafty old lady has a monopoly on laundromats in my neighborhood. She owns at least seven of them. If you anger her, you’re left washing your clothes in the same bucket where you wash your cat.

I could sneak into some other apartment building and use their washers, but that’s something I usually only do when I need to wash my wooden furniture or make tie-dye t-shirts. My building has a difficult to decipher entry code on the intercom, which is why our machines have gone so long without being destroyed.

I guess I’m just destined to smell like cats, even though I don’t own one. Other people have cool destinies like inventing the personal computer, curing Lyme disease, or convincing Christina Ricci to appear topless in a movie, but some of us have lousy futures that can’t be escaped. I’m like the bearded lady at the circus, except I can’t grow a beard and I smell like cats.

Why did the two sides stop negotiating? Shouldn’t they at least try?
Professional negotiators aren’t trained to negotiate. They’re trained to hold their ground until the people who hired them get angry and threaten to fire them. Then concessions are made. Unfortunately, not enough time has passed for either side to get angry enough at their negotiators to force them to do their jobs.

That’s fucking stupid.
Yes. Yes, it is.

Can I still watch American Gladiators?
Fuck you, traitor! Haha, just kidding! The Nielsen ratings system can’t tell what you’re watching through your cable box, so unless they’ve contacted you to keep a diary of your viewing habits, it doesn’t matter what the hell you watch. Seriously, the viewing habits of all 301 million Americans are determined by a sample size of a few thousand families.

So . . . is this why most TV programming sucks?
Yes! It is a logical scapegoat.

Then why do movies suck?
Because you retards won’t go see anything that isn’t a sequel, so that’s all we give you. If you go to a restaurant and order poop, you better not complain when they actually serve it to you.

If I grow a “strike beard”, will that help the writers?
Yes!

If I grow a “strike moustache”, will that help the writers?
Yes!

If I have AIDS, and I have sex with someone else who has AIDS, will we both develop superpowers?
Yes!

So what do the writers want?
They want larger home video residuals and a fair share of new media.

What is “new media”?
Porn. You know how your car runs on fuel? Writers are the same way, except their fuel is pornography. When the 1988 writers strike ended, they made the concession not to watch porn during work hours anymore. Now they want their fair share of new media (pornography!) back. The lack of natural fuel (porn!) for writers is why the quality of TV has gone downhill over the years.

I thought you said Nielsen’s ratings system is the reason TV went downhill.
Nielsen’s ratings system also gauges the nation’s need for pornography.

You’re not making sense.
A lot of things don’t make sense. Welcome to Hollywood.

Will you answer at least one question without being sarcastic or lying?
No.

Didn’t the writers also ask for jurisdiction in animation and reality programming?
I don’t know. Who gives a shit? It’s animation. They’re all from Korea.

Seth McFarlane is from Korea?
Yes! Born and raised.

How much does the average Hollywood writer make?
$12 per hour at Starbucks, or $300 per week from unemployment checks.

How much does Seth McFarlane make?
Millions of dollars.

Damn Koreans!
See? I told you!

Are you a member of the Writer’s Guild?
No.

Then why do you support them?
I’m kissing their asses.

Will that help you get into the Guild?
Not in the least.

Jay Leno is a Writers Guild member. Why did he cross picket lines to put his show back on the air?
Jay Leno is kind of an asshole.

Can I be a member of the Writers Guild?
Sure! Send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to: