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Archives: Feb 2008

I hate Oscar parties

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

I’ve never been invited to a fancy Oscar party here in Hollywood. I don’t drink enough gin on weekdays to qualify as show business personnel. However, I have been invited to Oscar parties thrown by friends. These parties usually take place in some married couple’s living room, which tells you pretty much everything you need to know about them.

To put the comparison in Minnesota terms, these parties are very similar to your small town city council meetings. You’re not really sure where all these half-crazed lunatics came from, you just wish there was a way to leave without everyone staring at you. Sadly, there isn’t, so you sit motionless for four hours with your head in your hands, praying God will send a flood to drown all these horribly obnoxious people.

Someone wants to hire a lovable loser!

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Tuesday I post a new column.

At the age of 28, I might finally get a full-time job this week. To most people, this would be good news. Comfort and financial stability are common goals of society’s upstanding citizens. But I’m not an upstanding citizen. I’m a worthless deadbeat, so for me the idea of full-time work is downright terrifying.

If someone hires me full-time for a real job, that means I can’t get bored and ditch out after two weeks, right? And when the work on my desk starts piling up, I’ll have to actually complete that work instead of just finding a new job, right? No sir, I don’t think I like this new way of doing things.

I’ve always been this way. As a kid, anything my parents asked me to do would take no fewer than 15 working days to complete. Clean my room? I’ll just move the mess around with my foot until it looks different. Take out the trash? I think we can cram a few more items into that thin, weak plastic garbage bag, mom. Whenever guidance councilors suggested what I should do with my life, all their options seemed like a lot of work. “Can’t I just wake up at noon, drink and bitch about ‘The Man’ all afternoon, and end my day at 7pm by throwing up all over the toilet seat at Pizza Luce?” Usually this honest question would receive a horrified glance in return.

I like to pretend the candidates are delicious

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Tuesday I post a new column.

Does anyone else think “Obama” sounds like a delicious name for a candy bar? “Obamabar! Seven times the nougat!” It sounds youthful and exciting. I imagine an Obamabar being like a giant 3 Musketeers bar bursting at the seams with fluffy chocolate nougat.

Wait. Is that racist? Was I just being racist? It’s really more cannibalistic than racist, if you think about it. Whether that’s worse is for you to decide. Personally, I’d be less concerned about racism than about my apparent belief that human beings might be filled with nougat.

A “Clinton bar” sounds kind of old and played out, like a Clark bar. But to be fair, Clark bars are underrated. They’re actually quite delicious, despite all the criticism directed at them. It’s just that their position on the Iraq War has never been steady. Damn Clark bars won’t commit to a timetable, only to their own deliciousness.

I suppose Hillary Clinton could go with “Hillybar”, but that’s even worse. It’s too close to “Hairybar”, a product you couldn’t make me eat if you aimed a pistol at my groin. A shady, inbred name like Hillybar won’t stand a chance against Obamabar, a name which implies excitement and tidal waves of fluffy nougat crashing into my face.

I am a bum, and my parents will soon find out

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Tuesday I post a new column.

My parents are coming to visit next month. Jesus Christ. How the hell am I going to make my apartment look respectable in a month? Should I quit my job? Should I vacate without notice and move into a nicer place? Is a month enough time to claim squatter’s rights in an abandoned building?

It’s not a matter of cleaning. My place is clean. It’s just a really awful apartment. The floor is slanted slightly to one side, the gas stove reeks of methane for 12 hours after each use, and the view out my window looks directly into some fat guy’s apartment. The only way to make my apartment building presentable is to demolish it and build a new one.

The surrounding community is even more worrisome. My neighborhood is interesting, but not in a “What an intriguing bunch of characters” way. It’s more of an “Oh my God, that hobo’s taking a dump in a burnt-out Ford Festiva” sort of way.