Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.
Note #2: This is my 1,000th column for this website.
You may think today is Thursday – or, if the editor put the paper out a day late, you may think it’s Friday – but it’s not. Today is Memorial Day, and I’m taking the day off. Again.
Its a little-known fact that if you get drunk on Memorial Day, the holiday continues until you sober up. If you can remain legally intoxicated until Thursday, then Memorial Day extends through Thursday. If you can stay drunk for six weeks, then you’re on paid vacation for six weeks. Our fine Constitution keeps your employer from docking your pay.
In fact, this law stays true for all holidays, not just ones honoring our servicemen. The longer you stay plastered, the longer you’re able to enjoy whatever seasonal celebration you used alcohol to ignore in the first place. It’s been Valentine’s Day in my apartment for the past three months!
This law even applies for holidays held by other religions. You’re not Jewish, but you hate Hitler, don’t you? Of course you do. So celebrate Hanukkah as if it were St. Patrick’s Day. You’re not African-American, but you’re voting for Barack Obama, right? Then head to your nearest Kwanza-friendly neighborhood bar.
Most historians, lawyers, judges, politicians, policemen, intelligent people, and employers will claim this law doesn’t exist, but it’s right there in the Constitution’s twenty-third amendment. At the same time Washington DC was given representation in the electoral college, citizens were bestowed the right to drinking sovereignty. I believe one of the Kennedys attached it as a rider.
(Yes, I know jokes about the Kennedys having drinking problems are as old as . . . well, the Kennedys, but Ted Kennedy is going to die soon and I didn’t want him to go out thinking he wouldn’t hear that joke again.)
I’m writing this column to raise awareness about drinking sovereignty. Not only do people not know about it, but the few who do are often misinformed about the details. For instance, getting drunk once per day does not qualify you for drinking sovereignty. You must remain drunk continuously to lengthen the holiday. This is why many employers require you to urinate into a cup before being hired. It’s not for drugs; it’s for alcohol. Before they employ you, they want to make sure you’re not still legally celebrating Thanksgiving.
Also, drugs don’t count. I have many friends who have remained perpetually stoned since the mid-1990s, but that’s not protected by United States law. Smoking all day is easy. Consuming 288 to 576 ounces of Mickey’s Malt Liquor daily is both challenging and extremely taxing on your urethra.
Other activities that don’t count include huffing paint, snorting Pez, drinking Robitussin, licking poisonous toads, falling in love, murdering a clown, or being “high on life”. If you’re an executive, you may not force your assistant or receptionist to remain drunk for you. If you’re a conjoined twin, you must keep both halves of yourself intoxicated, even if by force. If you’re a Mormon, then that’s your own fault. Have fun with your caffeine-free soda.
No tag teams. No timeouts. No faking. No cheating. No crying. Fat chicks welcome. Fat dudes expected. You must be 21 to play. No purchase necessary. Odds of winning are 0:1,000. Cash value of drinking sovereignty is 1/100th of a cent. United States will not actually defend you if you get fired for drinking too much.
Many famous people have taken advantage of drinking sovereignty. Did you know that famous Minnesotan Bob Dylan has been perpetually drunk since he learned about the little-known Constitutional amendment in 1970? That’s why all his songs have been boring since then. Due to the slurred way he talks, no one realized he was drunk all those years. But wasn’t it a little suspicious that “Hurricane” was the best song he could come up with?
Many famous rockers have attained drinking sovereignty without even realizing it: Johnny Cash, Jon Bonham, Billy Joel, Axl Rose, the entire New Kids on the Block ensemble, Sammy Davis Jr, Miley Cyrus, and every child involved in the Mickey Mouse Club.
The best part of drinking sovereignty is anyone can do it. Whether you’re a famous rocker or the guy who cleans poop at the bus station, your country gives you the right to life, liberty, and staying intoxicated for the rest of your short, ultimately miserable existence. Use this power wisely, America.