Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.
I’m sorry if I removed you as a friend on Facebook, reader. I really am. I’m just tired of looking at pictures of your ugly baby. You have posted roughly 70 photos of your newborn on Facebook in the past month, and frankly, I’m sick of the damn kid.
I agree that children are precious, but they’re also really ugly when they first pop out. Their wrinkled, fat faces are not precious at all. They’re gross, drooling on themselves and staring blindly into space like lobotomy victims. When your baby gets a year or two older, he or she will turn adorable, but before then they’re pretty much just a blob of lard that screams and produces unspeakable amounts of feces.
Don’t think that I hate children. I actually adore kids, even the bratty ones. If you ask me to babysit a screaming seven-year-old, I’ll jump at the chance. Their unending tantrums and obnoxiousness are offset by the fact that I can play video games with them for eight hours straight without them accusing me of being a loser. Unlike my adult friends, a seven-year-old won’t mock me for treating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as a full meal or for having 11 gigabytes of Looney Tunes cartoons on my computer.
Children and I have literally thousands of things in common: Our fascination with monkeys, the enjoyment of building forts out of couch cushions, and our refusal to eat food that doesn’t contain artificial flavoring. I have the exact same hobbies as a seven-year-old, so how could I hate them?
But your newborn baby is boring. It doesn’t play Xbox or lend me money. It doesn’t tell me schoolyard gossip or help me throw water balloons at cars. All it does is sit there like a douche. You ramble on forever about how smart your baby is, but it has no noticeable skills. If someone can’t walk or fluently speak at least one language, then they’re not very talented. It’s not really that your baby is dumb, it’s that all babies are dumb.
The only reason you think your baby is brilliant is because it took you nearly 14 hours to push the thing out of your vagina, so you’re able to conveniently ignore how much it throws up all over itself. But trust me, the only other people who find newborn babies “smart” are other women who have spent 14 hours pushing babies out of their own vaginas.
This is how the baby photo posting trend continues. Every year older I get, more women I know start birthing ugly babies and posting their photos on Facebook. It’s now reached the point where the website’s handy newsfeed is filled with nothing but new baby photos that my married female friends have added.
Are any of my Facebook friends going to a cool concert? I don’t know, because your fat baby is in the way. Have any of my friends commented on my photos or profile? I don’t know, because you dressed your baby in a hat and uploaded 90 goddamn photos of it.
If you posted photos of your baby doing awesome things like throwing up on your husband or riding the family dog like a horse, I wouldn’t mind so much. But buying a bib with ducks on it is not a proper reason for new photos. If your baby stops being ugly and chubby and squinty and bald and unappealing, then that’s a proper reason for posting photos.
Is this what Facebook – at one point a social networking site only for college kids – has become? A virtual wallet full of baby photos that friends would have assaulted me with in person if I didn’t live so far away? I had to remove you. I had no other choice. Instead of my Facebook profile being a pale and unconvincing fantasy of what I’d like my life to be, it was reminding me of how old I’m getting.
Perhaps someday I will add you back as a Facebook friend. Someday when I’m also married with kids, and deranged enough to think other people won’t wince at the sight of them. Perhaps the baby will be an accident, and I’ll title the photo album “Oops!” or “Hey, anyone want a free baby?”
Until then, don’t hold your breath. By the time I’m lame enough to post baby photos on my social networking profile, Facebook will probably be long gone.