Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.
I’ve lived in Los Angeles for nearly three years now, and while I’m obviously obscenely handsome and devastatingly interesting, I don’t have a girlfriend. My friends have asked why, my co-workers have asked why, and my parents call me once every two weeks to inquire as to whether I’m gay, and if I am, as to exactly how gay I might be.
“It’s okay if you are,” my mom will sometimes say to me over the phone, completely out of the blue. This will be followed by the sound of my father in the background, shouting “No it’s not!”
For the record, I’m not gay. Sorry mom. You should have known when I refused to go to Hugh Grant movies with you throughout the 1990s. The truth is, I don’t have a girlfriend because I just don’t get along with Los Angeles women. They live in a city full of models and actors, so most of them want a successful knight in shining armor who then removes that armor to reveal magnificent abs. I have only adequate abs, and my definition of success is having enough money in my bank account to call in sick to work and drink scotch all morning.
So in order to get a girlfriend here, I’m going to have to actually try hard. I’m also going to have to lie a lot. While I’m quite good at lying, trying hard is a new skill that I have not yet acquired in life. As a kid, I never tried hard in school, and was able to coast through each grade with A’s and B’s. In college I drank heavily, and somehow when I woke up, my work would always be done (it would be done poorly, but it would be done). Now I work as an assistant in the entertainment industry, which requires no actual effort at all.
If I’m going to work hard to get ladies – and keep in mind, I’m still not guaranteeing I will – there are more than a few problems that will stand in my way. I’ve made a list of these problems below that my parents can print out and post on their refrigerator. That way, instead of calling and asking why I haven’t gotten married and produced grandchildren yet, they can just consult the list. Here’s what I’m up against:
1. I hate people. I know what you’re thinking. “He doesn’t really hate all human interaction.” I can assure you that I do. I am the most anti-social person in the universe. I would rather poop on a baby than spend more than four minutes talking to a stranger. Granted, I have much more tolerance for women I find attractive, but your ability to have sex with me and give me presents on my birthday only slightly lowers my anxiety.
2. I’m poor. I live in a large city, so my monthly rent is twice what most people pay for their mortgage. The only way I can stay out of debt is by dating someone who really loves the dollar menu at KFC. And frankly, I’m not sure I want to meet such a lady.
3. I dress like a 14-year-old skateboarder, even though I’m almost 30 and do not have an interest in skateboarding. I don’t see this as a problem, and I will always refuse to admit that it is a problem. Even when I’m 60, I’ll still be wearing jeans and a t-shirt. If you buy me a suit, I will probably ruin it by playing in it outside and getting it dirty.
4. I refuse to watch Gossip Girl, no matter how much sex you claim it will result in. I started watching “The OC” because I was dating a girl who watched it, but I didn’t find it to be worthwhile. I would only get lucky from it if the guys on the show were being nice to the girls, and that sort of thing is rare on those shows.
5. My ability to remember important romantic events is entirely dependent on whether Google Calendar is working properly. As I’ve stated in previous columns, I’m very absent-minded. If Google’s servers are down, I won’t get the e-mails that remind me about your birthday, our anniversary, and any other event you think I should find important.
6. I am too lazy to drive to your house. I’m lazy, and I will force you to drive to my place every time we hang out. I used to do the same thing to my friends when I was in kindergarten. Since I have not changed since then, you can imagine how hard it will be making me change now.
That’s a short list. There’s actually hundreds more reasons, given to me verbally by women I dated in the past. It’s just hard to remember them all. So let’s be honest. My track record shows that I’m probably not going to try very hard. My only hope is to someday find a lady who also despises effort. Since the unemployment rate in California is 6.2%, I can only guess that I’m in the right place.