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Archives: Sep 2008

The last gentile

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

 
The city streets lay barren and deserted. All of society’s basic components continue to function like clockwork, but there’s no people to use them. The white people have gone missing.

Subway cars and city buses make their usual stops, but no Caucasian passengers are riding. Starbucks coffee houses only have bored baristas, waiting for the crowds of white people with trendy glasses who will never come. Somewhere in the distance, dogs and cats are becoming lovers and Kentucky is legalizing gay marriage.

No, this isn’t a description of America after it’s ruined by the financial crisis, or taken over by illegal immigrants. This is a description of Los Angeles during the Jewish holiday season. Roughly 140 percent of white people in L.A. are Jewish, and Monday was the start of Rosh Hashanah, a Jewish holiday which I know nothing about and am far too apathetic to look up on Wikipedia.

All I know is each year it turns L.A. into a ghost town. It seriously looks like a James Frey book signing around here this week. I’m the only white person still here, because as recent census figures show, I’m the only white person in the city who isn’t Jewish. The streets look as deserted on a weekday as they would on Christmas morning. I’m surprised miscreants haven’t started looting.

My battle against the word ‘like’

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

 
“Yesterday I, like, went to the store and, like, bought these, like, things and stuff.”

When I was a little kid, I used the word “like” in nearly every sentence I spoke. Sometimes I’d use it multiple times per sentence. Everyone my age did. We were children, and our ability to annoy was as abundant as Weird Al Yankovic cassette tapes at car washes.

We talked like imbeciles, cramming and forcing the word “like” into every sentence that touched our lips. A piece of information that should have only taken three seconds to say often took 30 seconds or longer, depending on the number of “likes” we added. The English language was our bitch, and we beat it unmercifully, taking great pride in the fact that talking to us was like talking to a pack of mildly retarded people.

A bird crapped on me today

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

 
It was a warm summer afternoon. The sun was shining, the wind blew careful gusts through the swaying trees, and birds chirped happily above, swooning and serenading each other with winsome songs.

I was walking to my car when I felt something light and fluffy land on my shoulder. It turned out to be a massive wad of bird shit. The sun continued shining, the breeze maintained its soft exhale, and I rolled on the ground cursing and trying to rid my shirt of animal feces.

Get out your calendar, reader, because today marks the first day a bird has ever shit on me. Not that I’m bragging or anything.

At some point in every human being’s life, a bird will poop on them. No matter how careful you are, how little you go outside, or how often you look up in self-defense, you will someday have a bird poop on you. It’s a scientific fact. Every day that you’re not getting pooped on by a bird, the odds are turning more against you. Mark my words, your day will come, reader.

I accept your poorly-conceived nomination

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

 
Mr. Chairman, delegates, and fellow citizens: I am honored to accept your nomination for vice president of the United States. I accept the call to help our 72-year-old nominee for president and take over for him in two years when he can no longer control his own bodily functions.

It was just a year ago when the entire Republican base declared John McCain a political coward, a moron, and someone who masturbates while angry. Only the latter of these accusations was accurate. With their usual certitude, they told us all was lost – there was no hope for this candidate. But they overlooked one thing when they wrote him off: That he was running against a Mormon, a slightly girlish Baptist minister, a mediocre TV actor, and a philandering New Yorker who is pro-abortion and pro-gay rights.

Now that McCain is the nominee, I’m happy to report that all those Republicans have completely changed their minds about him, and are praising him as the new Reagan. I, too, am like Reagan. His daughter enraged him by posing for Playboy. My daughter enraged me by allowing her braindead boyfriend to ride her bareback, thus impregnating her.

Obligatory back to school column

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

 
My editor has informed me that the youth of this doomed city need a “back to school” column. Apparently, you’re all naive, unmannerly and one step away from starting a meth lab, so I’m supposed to write a column helping you with everything from making friends to stifling premature ejaculation.

Well nuts to that, Nancy. That sort of information sounds valuable, and this column is not. Normally I would tell my editor to sit on his own fist, but I’ve found over the years that it’s easier to do a half-assed version of what he says than fight him. Spending 14 hours arguing back and forth over e-mail cuts into my valuable drinking time.

So here’s how this is going to work, kids. I’m going to dispense advice, and you’re going to humor me and pretend that you don’t think I’m dumber than you. Then, in a number of years when my advice has made you awesome, you’ll repay me by giving me a few dollars when you see me begging for change outside of a Hardee’s restaurant.

Just please don’t mistake this free advice for compassion. I’m doing this because my editor is making me. I really don’t care that you’re going back to school, and the fact that some of you are “nervous” about a time in your life where you’ll only take two classes per day and spend the rest of the time watching free cable TV in your dorm infuriates me to no end.