Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.
This ballot is a sample only, and cannot be used to actually vote. If you cut this out of the newspaper and bring it to a polling location, the unpaid volunteer working the registration table has the legal right to euthanize you. Please don’t worry about completely filling in the ovals, because there aren’t any. I don’t know how to make ovals on Microsoft Word. Again, this is only a sample ballot, so feel free to spill Arby’s on it.
Same Day Registration
If you’re stupid, lazy, or have Alzheimer’s and forgot to register, you can register to vote on election day. Please bring a driver’s license and 12 different pieces of mail sent to your house that have your name and address on them. At least one of those random mailings will probably be accepted as proof that you live here. You can also bring a neighbor to vouch that you live in your precinct, but most people think that’s kind of gay.
Please don’t drink in the voting booths. Please don’t mistake the voting booths for portable toilets. Dogs, firearms, and wives cannot go in the voting booth with you, as each are required to vote separately. Please don’t wear Halloween costumes to the polls. Please refrain from drawing wieners all over your ballot, as this may confuse the vote counting machine. If you need help reading or marking your ballot, our volunteers will sigh loudly, begrudgingly help you, and then mock you after you leave.
Did You Know?
Federal law dictates that if you’re disabled and can’t easily leave your car, polling station workers are required to bring the ballots out to you as if the polling station were a Carl’s Jr drive-thru.
__ Black Guy (Dem)
__ White Guy + Woman (Rep)
__ Guy Stoners Keep Recommending (Libertarian)
__ Nutcases/Weirdos (All other parties)
United States Senator
__ Comedian (Dem)
__ Uppity Prick (Rep)
__ Guy Who Was Actually Born Here (Ind)
District 8 Representative
__ James L. Oberstar (Dem)
__ Guy With Shit Chance of Winning (Rep)
District 5A Representative
__ Guy Who Got a DUI (Dem)
__ Guy Whose Website Plays Circus Music (Rep)
District 5B Representative
__ Guy Who Rents Limousines (Rep)
__ Guy Who Does Not Rent Limousines (Dem)
District 6A Representative
__ Guy Who Always Runs (Dem)
__ Other Guy Who Always Runs and Loses (Rep)
District 6B Representative
__ Lady Who Looks Like Molly Ivins (Dem)
__ Guy Who Thinks People Vote For Average Joes (Rep)
District 7A Representative
__ Smoking Ban Supporter (Dem)
__ Guy Who Wears Cool Leather Jacket in All Photos (Rep)
District 7B Representative
__ Roger Reinert (Dem)
__ Guy You Vote For If You Hate Roger (Rep)
__ Guy Who Sounds Familiar, But Isn’t (Ind)
District 8A Representative
__ Typical Democrat (Dem)
__ Typical Republican (Rep)
__ Pick One For Me, I Don’t Care
Constitutional Amendment – Environmental
Should we protect our drinking water sources? We will either raise your taxes or put poop in the tap water you drink.
__ Vote For Candidate Who Went to Your High School
__ Leave Section Blank
Conservation District Supervisors
__ Some Guy Running Unopposed
__ Write-in a Family Member Who’s Unemployed
Supreme/Appeals/District Court Judges
__ Let’s Be Honest, You Didn’t Research Them
__ Mickey Mouse
__ Farts Cuntly
__ Higher Taxes, Kids Still Dumb
__ Lower Taxes, Kids Are Dumb And It’s Your Fault
Thank you for voting! Please enjoy this “I voted” sticker, the only non-inconspicuous award you will receive from performing your civic duty. Try not to think about the fact that your taxes paid for it.