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Archives: Oct 2008

Duluth Presidential Election Sample Ballot

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

This ballot is a sample only, and cannot be used to actually vote. If you cut this out of the newspaper and bring it to a polling location, the unpaid volunteer working the registration table has the legal right to euthanize you. Please don’t worry about completely filling in the ovals, because there aren’t any. I don’t know how to make ovals on Microsoft Word. Again, this is only a sample ballot, so feel free to spill Arby’s on it.

Same Day Registration
If you’re stupid, lazy, or have Alzheimer’s and forgot to register, you can register to vote on election day. Please bring a driver’s license and 12 different pieces of mail sent to your house that have your name and address on them. At least one of those random mailings will probably be accepted as proof that you live here. You can also bring a neighbor to vouch that you live in your precinct, but most people think that’s kind of gay.

Please don’t drink in the voting booths. Please don’t mistake the voting booths for portable toilets. Dogs, firearms, and wives cannot go in the voting booth with you, as each are required to vote separately. Please don’t wear Halloween costumes to the polls. Please refrain from drawing wieners all over your ballot, as this may confuse the vote counting machine. If you need help reading or marking your ballot, our volunteers will sigh loudly, begrudgingly help you, and then mock you after you leave.

Did You Know?
Federal law dictates that if you’re disabled and can’t easily leave your car, polling station workers are required to bring the ballots out to you as if the polling station were a Carl’s Jr drive-thru.

What slutty character will you be for Halloween?

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

There’s nothing worse than a bad Halloween costume. A man dressed in a cow outfit is pretty cool for the first five minutes, but after two hours of lugging it around and realizing that no woman on Earth will have sex with a man who’s dressed as a barnyard animal, he quickly regrets it.

Surprisingly, there are few costumes men can wear that they won’t later regret. Allow me to read through the list of men’s costumes on to prove my point. Animal costumes? A hassle. Batman costume? You and 20 other people will be wearing that. Headless horseman costume? You won’t get any women if they can’t see your face. Star Trek costume? Nerdy. Pirate costume? Gay. Spartan warrior costume? Gay. Teletubby costume? Gay. Harry Potter costume? Gay. Popeye costume? Gay. 1970s disco costume? Gay. Priest costume? Really gay. Police costume? Insanely gay. Napoleon Dynamite costume? That movie came out four years ago, you loser.

There is literally nothing left to dress as that society has not in some way made homoerotic, boring, or both. You pretty much either have to dress as a vampire or other predictable character, or create your own costume.

I’m not sure if I’m dressing up for Halloween this year, because I avoid group activities like the plague, but if I do dress up, I plan on making my own WaMu costume. This will basically consist of a cardboard box made to look like a skyscraper adorning the WaMu bank logo. The skyscraper will be on fire with various little stick people jumping out the windows and screaming.

A crackhead tried to kick me, and then I saw her later at a restaurant

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

There are few worse feelings than walking behind a crackhead. You leave a business downtown and they just happen to be walking the same way as you, on the same side of the street. You could cross the street to avoid them, but that might cause offense and lead to loud shouting or violence, so you just continue walking behind them, pretending not to notice as they creepily peer back at you every few steps.

Crackheads, and all homeless people in general, are paranoid like that. They always assume you’re plotting to steal their crack, even if they don’t have any and you’re a 90-year-old woman who walks with a limp. If there’s one thing crackheads fail to understand, it’s that not everyone likes crack as much as they do.

Oh, and also that crack will ruin them. They tend to forget that part, too.

To be fair, crackheads have every right to be paranoid. Someone probably is plotting to steal their crack, but it’s more than likely another crackhead, not a businessman or a housewife. The middle class prefers to degrade itself with alcohol and reality television.

See you in 2011, Mr. Dentist

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

The other day I went to the dentist for the first time in three years. I waited this long partly because I’m poor, partly because I’m lazy, and partly because I’m a complete and utter coward. When it comes to my own health, I like to take the Jim Henson approach of “If something’s wrong, I’ll know because I’ll start dying.”

I have never met a human being who liked going to the dentist, and if I ever do meet one, I’ll probably stab them in the arm just to see whether they’re an actual human being or not. The only people who enjoy keeping their mouth open for an hour straight are porn stars and stroke victims, and I’m not sure “enjoy” is the proper word for either party.

It’s not just having to keep my mouth open that bugs me. It’s also the suction straw that has a tendency to swallow half my tongue, the sharp metal hook they use to remove plaque but invariably end up jabbing into my gums by accident, and the small mirror hanging above that forces me to watch all the disgusting things they’re doing to my mouth.

I’ve never watched any of the Saw horror movies, but I’m pretty sure sharp metal things, tongue swallowing, and people watching themselves enduring painful torture are all in those movies somewhere. A least enduring that sort of stuff in a movie theater doesn’t cost $90.