Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.
Ever since I bought a Playstation 3 – which includes a Blu-ray player – my friends have been asking the same question over and over again. “Has Blu-ray porn been invented yet? Can I watch your Blu-ray porn? Can I borrow your PS3 and corresponding Blu-ray porn? Can you leave your apartment for seven hours and leave me there alone with your Playstation 3 so I can watch Blu-ray porn?”
The answer to all these questions, of course, is, “No, you may not masturbate in my home.”
First of all, I don’t own any Blu-ray porn. I also do not own DVD porn, VHS porn, Laserdisc porn, Betamax porn, or pornographic audio recordings on cassette, 8-track, or vinyl. I also don’t own any adult magazines or Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues. The reason is simple: Who the hell buys porn anymore? There is literally a mountain of free porn online, and if you need more than a mountain of it, then obviously there’s nothing on this Earth that will satisfy your bizarre perversions. Buy a trench coat and find an apartment near the local high school.
Secondly, a regular Blu-ray movie costs around $30, so I don’t even want to know what they’d be charging for adult films. I seem to recall from my pre-internet youth that a 45-minute VHS tape of really horrendous compilation porn scenes from the 1970s – complete with non-ironic afros, poor film stock and even worse lighting – was about three times the cost of a normal VHS tape.
But perhaps the most obvious reason I don’t own Blu-ray porn is because the very idea of it is ludicrous. I’m no expert on high definition technology, but I’m pretty sure the goal is to provide a brighter and more finely detailed video image. Porn is not something that does well with bright lighting or increased visual details. In fact, throughout history, porn has been produced with the distinct goal of hiding all visual details.
I don’t want to know what a porn actress looks like when her makeup can no longer hide her hepatitis symptoms. I don’t want to see brighter money shots or BJs with impressive levels of contrast. If I want to view vaginas with 1,080 lines of progressive scan resolution, I’ll find a real vagina to look at instead. If high definition video makes Cameron Diaz’s pretty face show more acne craters than a moon landing, I don’t even want to know what creepy flaws are going to show up on a porn actress. Every minor imperfection would become as subtle as Al Jolson doing a blackface routine.
Some things – mostly those involving bodily fluids – are better handled by poor quality video players.
Part of the allure of porn is that the poor lighting and generous use of makeup tricks us into believing that porn actresses are actually attractive. But anyone who has ever dated a legitimately attractive woman, or is acquainted with someone who has, knows two things for certain: 1) Attractive women don’t need to do outrageous things in the bedroom to keep men interested. They can lie there like a dead fish and we’ll still be thrilled to have sex with them, and 2) If you ever suggest that your attractive girlfriend do the sorts of things seen in porn, she will look at you as if you just asked her to build an igloo on the moon.
Therefore, it is simply impossible that the “hot chicks” seen in porn are actually hot. If adult movie producers could really find that many attractive women willing to do outrageous sexual acts, the world as we know it would not be planet Earth. It would be heaven.
Perhaps I’m alone in my belief. Perhaps other people find HD porn intriguing. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to clearly see the STDs, heroin injection marks and bruises from abusive boyfriends on porn starlets, but to each their own. You just won’t find any of those sorts of movies in my apartment. I once considered purchasing a painting of a horse kissing a clown, but that’s as close as I’ve ever come to purchasing finely detailed pornography, and it was a standard-definition painting anyway.
So spread the word, dear reader. Tell your friends, family, relatives, significant others, co-workers, casual acquaintances, pastors, clergymen, and God Himself: Stop asking Paul about Blu-ray porn. He doesn’t have it, he doesn’t want it, and he disagrees with any technology that could put thousands of mediocre skanks out of work.
By God, our community colleges are full enough.