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Archives: May 2009

Do only twats twaddle on about tweeting?

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

 
Listen up, you bitter, horse-faced media bastards. I don’t want to hear any more negative commentary about Twitter. It’s fantastic, and everyone who uses it is pretty and popular and smells like apple blossoms. Twitter is the greatest thing since getting a handjob at a baseball game under a blanket.

Yet I can’t eat a ham sandwich without returning to find some middle-aged newspaper columnist complaining that they don’t “get” Twitter or other social networks. Never mind that most of these underworked, overpaid mainstream columnists are stay-at-home parents who haven’t done anything social since the Reagan administration. They have as much business reviewing Twitter as Stephen Hawking does critiquing marathon runners.

These columnists don’t get Twitter because they don’t want to get it. They just want a quick and easy topic so they can finish their column before The Ellen DeGeneres Show comes on. Well I pride myself as a columnist who spreads the truth, and the truth is that Twitter will not only improve your life, it will also make you famous, find you a job, get you laid, and in some cases, cure your diabetes.

Twin Ports job listings

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

 
GAS STATION CASHIER
Are you anti-social and depressed? Do you like the smell of gasoline? Does the idea of selling porno magazines to elderly men appeal to you? Do you mind occasionally being shot? We have an opening for a gas station cashier. Minimum wage, overnight hours only. Owner may touch you inappropriately.

INTERN NEEDED
Looking for recent college graduate or other gullible person to do my personal errands for free. Must be upbeat, desperate, and willing to work 14-18 hours per day for no pay, very little networking, and no chance of paid work in future. Must provide own car. We do not pay mileage. You may be touched inappropriately.

SEEKING EMPLOYEE FOR UPSCALE MASSAGE PARLOR
Looking for young, attractive Asian females to join our happy team of penis massagers. You keep the tips! Must bring in minimum of 170 penis massages per day. No unionized penis massagers, please.

The loser’s guide to jury duty

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

 
Waiting for jury duty at a courthouse is kind of like suffering through a long layover in an airport. It’s boring, the food is lousy and overpriced, and anyone you try to talk to will look at you like you’re a rapist or a vacuum cleaner salesman.

It’s hard to pick a favorite. Both the courthouse and the airport have metal detectors manned by high school dropouts with inferiority complexes. Both places make you show up hours early and then lock you into a small area, refusing to let you leave. The courthouse has free wifi, but the airport has a bar. The airport has futuristic moving walkways, but the courthouse has boatloads of freaks to ogle.

Last week was my first time performing a civic duty, and it made quite an impression on me. I’ve never taken the time to help my country before, and after spending a day doing so, I was reminded why I prefer being selfish. Helping my country is not only boring, but also incredibly obnoxious. It took perhaps 12 minutes of hearing lawyers describe a case before I considered lodging my shoe in my own throat so they’d send me home. Even sadists and elderly people on the brink of death wouldn’t enjoy jury duty.

Instructions for the digital TV switch

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

 
Do you love hassles? Do you long to have more boxes cluttering your TV, specifically ones that don’t do anything? Have you secretly been wishing for a reason to spend $60 on a new “digital” antenna? Is your TV reception too constant? Instead of just being a little fuzzy, wouldn’t you prefer that it cut out completely at the slightest hint of interference?

Well, you’re in luck! Digital TV is here! On June 12, your television set will become a steaming pile of crap. None of the channels will work, the only sound will be static, and turning on your TV without a digital converter box will send you into an epileptic seizure.

Some people may tell you that they don’t want digital TV. Rest assured that those people are fartbags. Digital TV is awesome! What’s so awesome about it? Um . . . well, we’re not really sure, but people love new things, and digital TV is certainly a thing that is new.