Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.
Listen up, you bitter, horse-faced media bastards. I don’t want to hear any more negative commentary about Twitter. It’s fantastic, and everyone who uses it is pretty and popular and smells like apple blossoms. Twitter is the greatest thing since getting a handjob at a baseball game under a blanket.
Yet I can’t eat a ham sandwich without returning to find some middle-aged newspaper columnist complaining that they don’t “get” Twitter or other social networks. Never mind that most of these underworked, overpaid mainstream columnists are stay-at-home parents who haven’t done anything social since the Reagan administration. They have as much business reviewing Twitter as Stephen Hawking does critiquing marathon runners.
These columnists don’t get Twitter because they don’t want to get it. They just want a quick and easy topic so they can finish their column before The Ellen DeGeneres Show comes on. Well I pride myself as a columnist who spreads the truth, and the truth is that Twitter will not only improve your life, it will also make you famous, find you a job, get you laid, and in some cases, cure your diabetes.
Twitter is the greatest thing since Facebook, and Facebook is the greatest thing since MySpace, and MySpace is the greatest thing since Friendster, and Friendster was changing the whole goddamn universe while you were still listening to Lisa Loeb records while trying not to fart in front of your first girlfriend. So shut up and join.
I’m not going to whine and carry-on, asking why you haven’t joined yet. I’m not going to guilt you into joining by saying my feelings will be hurt if you don’t. All of us are adults here, and we’re all free to make our own choices. But I will say this: If you don’t join Twitter, I’ll split your skull with an axe and leave you in the woods for dead.
Just kidding! Ha ha! But seriously, if you don’t join, I’ll kill you.
Do you like celebrities, reader? All of them use Twitter, or at least important ones like David Schwimmer and that balding guy who used to be on Sportscenter. Following a celebrity on Twitter is like getting kisses from your dog while you’re asleep. You wake up each morning to something beautiful and fun, and you learn new things about their personalities. Look at the following tweet from famous basketball player Shaquille O’Neal:
“Carmelo, chauncey, and kmart, I c ya now, congratulations to dem nuggets Hey birdman Aaaaagh aaagh aaaa aaaaa Dats da bird sound lol”
If I hadn’t been following Shaq on Twitter, I never would have realized he’s illiterate. I also never would have known how hilarious illiteracy can be. Where else are you going to read sentences like that, aside from a school for kids with learning disabilities? The fact that Shaq is skilled with commas, but doesn’t seem to be aware that periods exist, makes me feel closer to him as a fan.
Celebrities on Twitter can also be very informative. Check out this detailed tweet from former TV star Matthew Perry:
“At the Ducks game….so fun!!!!”
As a longtime fan of Chandler from “Friends”, I have long dreamed of the day when he would personally update me on the “fun status” of Aneheim Ducks hockey games, by way of a one-to-four exclamation point rating system. Also, I like to be alerted to Perry’s exact location each evening as I stroke the lock of hair I tore from his head at the 1997 People’s Choice Awards.
There are other celebrities as well. Lady Gaga uses Twitter every day! Who cares if she’s borderline mentally disabled and once spent two straight weeks holding a tea cup and saucer everywhere she went. Sarah Silverman uses Twitter to try out new jokes about bowel movements. P. Diddy uses Twitter to invite all his fans to “come party with him,” though I’ve noticed he never gives the address of said parties. John Mayer, who hasn’t had a hit song since 2001, uses Twitter to keep people interested in him so he won’t have to work at a gas station.
So enough with the negativity, media people. Twitter is not nonsense or the end of the world. It’s a tool for learning, communicating, and stalking Matthew Perry. It’s also a great place to get updates on whether or not Aston Kutcher is currently having sexual intercourse with Demi Moore. I think he occasionally posts pictures of it.
But the important part is it’s fun. It eats up time during a boring work day. It allows the introverted to express themselves and show a side others normally might not see. It’s a safe and anonymous way to tell Pete Wentz that he sucks and his band writes songs for girls. It can also be a fun way to purposely get fired from your job.
Each new social networking site is a fresh world. One to explore, transform, and use as a deep well of imagination. Then, when it gets boring, we’ll cover it with our feces and abandon it. Why campaign against Twitter when you know its fans will happily destroy it on their own in a few years? Think of Ashton Kutcher, Twitter’s most popular user, as the first turd of many