WORK FROM HOME! $2,000-$10,000 MONTHLY!
Hey fatty! Get rich at home without having to put forth any effort! Sound too good to be true? It is! We’re a pyramid scheme! Spend the rest of your life buying all your everyday household items online at ridiculously high prices, and then get your dumb friends to do the same! You’ll be rich! For consideration in our program, please send us your name, address, and bank account number so we can enter you into our payroll system.

GROCERY STORE MANAGER WANTED
Must speak fluent Mandarin Chinese. Minimum wage, no benefits.

ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT
We’re looking for an administrative assistant. This is a real job, possibly the only real one in this entire listing. As such, you’ll have roughly 90 other applicants to compete against. Half of them will have more experience than you, but if you’re lucky, the owner will know your mom from college or something and you’ll luck your way into the job strictly through nepotism.

NOW HIRING VALET LADIES!
The summer party season is here and we are BIZZZZZY! Valet Ladies Inc. is hiring young ladies to park cars at social events. We are the only valet parking company in the country that is owned and operated by a felon. Please send us your resume, a recent photo, and a 10-page essay explaining why being a valet is your lifelong dream. No felons, please.

NURSING HOME/ASSISTED LIVING EXPERTS
We need good-hearted men and women to help us out in the summer months. Dozens of wrinkly, smelly, goiter-filled elderly people need you to pretend to love them! If you’re good at faking enjoyment, and don’t mind changing man-sized diapers, then we’re looking for you! E-mail your resume to dennis.kempton@oeuvremagazine.com for consideration.

YOU, WORKING AT MCDONALD’S?
Yes! Not only is it fun, but this terrible job market means it’s no longer below your standards! You don’t have a choice if you want to keep your apartment! We’re in need of cooks/heat lamp supervisors. Unlike other employers, we don’t require a good attitude, positive outlook, unnecessary smiling at customers, or a drug test. Honestly, what other business will take you at this point?

ENTRY-LEVEL FULL-TIME POSITIONS. GREAT PAY
You can be a (insert desirable job) in the Navy! Whether you’re an aspiring botanist or looking for a manager job at Kenny’s Shoes, the Navy will flood every job website you visit with misleading job postings in your career field. After two hours of clicking on interesting jobs only to find out it’s the Navy trying to trick you into deploying to Afghanistan, you’ll give up on searching for jobs online all together.

***CALLING ALL FEMALES, ACTRESSES, AND MODELS***
Do you like showing your boobs to strangers? No? What if it’s to get a possible part in a poorly-written student film? We knew you’d come around! Call 555-8740 for an audition. Ask for Cheeto.

DULUTH NEWS-TRIBUNE IS HIRING WRITERS AND PHOTOGRAPHERS
Just kidding! Our newspaper will be out of business soon! Only three of our print subscribers haven’t figured out that you can read all our news articles online for free. If we weren’t owned by a large chain like The McClatchy Company, our employees would all be searching these job listings just like you.

COLLEGE PROFESSORS WANTED, NO EXP NECESSARY
Lake Superior College is hiring college professors. No experience necessary. High school degree or GED preferred, but not required.

WAS YOUR JOB TAKEN BY ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS?
Take it back! That roofing/mining/gardening/nanny job can be yours again. Here at Undercutters Inc, we help American citizens steal their jobs back by hiring you for less than minimum wage. If you’re willing to work for $3/hr or less – much less – we’re interested in hiring you! Call today!

GIRL FRIDAY NEEDED FOR REAL ESTATE OFFICE
I’m a lazy real estate agent who seeks an assistant to make all my phone calls for me and basically do three-fourths of my job. I wrote “girl friday” instead of “assistant” because it sounds cooler. If, during the interview, you make a joke about the Robinson Crusoe character this phrase is based upon, the reference will be completely lost on me and I will think you’re weird and not hire you.

READER WEEKLY COLUMNIST WANTED
Local alt-weekly is looking for a humor columnist to replace their current shitty one. Must be able to write 850 words without stooping to making jokes about bowel movements or rape. This position does not include pay. Or respect.

Why is America changing the signal for television? Is it because the FCC hates you? Is it because you’re a jerk and bad fate is showering upon you? Is it because you weren’t very nice to your analog television channels, and they walked out with all their things while you were in the shower? No, it’s none of those things. Frankly, we’re doing this because we just don’t like you.

But enough of that talk! Let’s get you ready for digital television! First, you should buy a converter box. They cost roughly $4 to manufacture in China, but Best Buy sells them for $70. The customer reviews of these “cheap” boxes online range from “This is a pile of garbage” to “It broke after a month”.

The government has generously offered a $40 coupon, which is kind of like using a band aid to fix an ulcer, but let’s not think about that. Also, try not to think about the fact that the government – which gets its money from you – is “generously” giving it back to you so you can buy half of a converter box.

After you’ve taken out a loan and purchased a converter box, swear loudly upon realizing that you’re overpriced box doesn’t include a coaxial wire. Then return to the store and buy one for $17.

Once that’s finished, unplug your TV from the wall. If you skip this step, you will die. Once you are sure you are not dead, connect your TV and antenna into the box thingy. Turn on your TV. Swear loudly after realizing you forgot to plug in the TV. Once the TV is on, swear loudly again as you try to remember how the hell to set up the channels on the stupid thing.

Once you’ve scanned for channels, swear loudly yet again as you realize that none of the channels come in well. Return to the store and spend $40 on a really fancy “digital” antenna. Your cost is now a mere $127. While I can’t think of anyone who would actually pay $127 for nudity-free programming on broadcast networks, you’ll do it because it keeps your wife from talking to you so much.

The final step of the installation process is to swear loudly yet again a few weeks later when you realize your VCR can’t tape anything on your new digital TV, and that companies no longer make new ones, and that the process of making it work requires a second overpriced converter box and many other electronics purchases, most of them for specialized cables and components that your local electronics store doesn’t carry.

Oh, and you’ll have to reach behind your TV and flip a switch when you want to change between watching TV and recording something. Exciting!

Of course, you can avoid all these steps by paying $100 per month for cable or satellite TV, paying $600-$1,000 for a new HDTV, or sell your house and buy a new one as close to the Canadian border as possible so you can watch their analog TV stations. No matter which option you choose, the economy will thank you for so valiantly attempting to jump start it all by yourself.

If you do decide to buy an HDTV, may we suggest you buy a name brand one? Those cost more.

Once you’re done, you can sit back and enjoy the majesty of your digital-quality picture and sound. It will be like going to an IMAX movie, if the screen were really small and the resolution was that of a crappy old TV set that you’ve owned since the early 1980s.

Welcome to the digital TV bandwagon, viewer! We’re glad to have you, and we pray to God nightly that the majority of America doesn’t just get fed up with us and stop watching broadcast TV completely! You aren’t are you? Please tell us you aren’t. Please continue treating TV as your lover. We don’t want to lose our jobs.