Well, I hate to break up our nationwide mewling contest, but Michael Jackson isn’t dead. I know the noble, trustworthy employees of UCLA have – like usual – leaked photos of Jackson’s eerie remains to the tabloids. I know the hospital’s top doctors recently posted a seven minute video of themselves moonwalking next to the corpse to prove he’s really gone, but that’s all a ruse.

Two words: Uncompahgre Wilderness. That’s where Michael Jackson is living. He made the move decades ago. The body being autopsied is not him. After releasing that ridiculous “Remember the Time” video starring Eddie Murphy and Magic Johnson in 1992, he realized he had jumped the shark. To preserve his legacy and ensure he had privacy, he secretly asked his brother Tito to take his place.

That strange, white-faced, surgically altered Michael Jackson you’ve seen all these years? Tito. That’s why it always looked like his nose was falling off. The Neverland Ranch? Bought by Tito. Michael gave Tito most of his remaining wealth so he could keep up his image, and in typical Tito fashion, he bought an amusement park.

Remember the Michael Jackson album “Invincible”, released in 2001? Tito. And all the really awful new tracks from “HIStory”? Tito. The purchase of The Elephant Man’s bones? Tito. The unforgivable act of selling Beatles songs to advertisers? Tito. The marriage to Lisa Marie Presley? Tito. She demanded a divorce after realizing she had married Tito. Bubbles the monkey? That was actually Michael. Try as I might, I really can’t blame him for wanting to own a monkey. I’d like to own one as well.

Michael moved to the Uncompahgre Wilderness in Colorado to live the rest of his life in solitude. His vitiligo disease, which made his skin whiter, was getting worse, and this wilderness – which was well known for sightings of Bigfoot, leprechauns, and John Hughes – seemed a majestic place to hide. Legend has it this environmentally protected area is where unicorns are bred. Their saliva is used as the glaze for Krispy Kreme donuts.

Michael lives at the top of the highest peak in the region’s San Juan Mountains. His modest home is visited once per year by one of his relatives, who brings him a year’s supply of astronaut food. It is both nutritious and filling.

Family members close to Tito believe he was murdered by Michael. Living at the top of a mountain doesn’t allow one to catch up on the news as often as one would like, so Michael hadn’t heard about most of the horrible things Tito had done. However, when Jermaine Jackson made the annual trip this year to deliver astronaut food, he told Michael everything. In a rage, Michael descended the mountain and beat Tito to death inside the Neverland Ranch’s rumpus room.

So since Tito was actually Michael, then who’s this guy claiming to be Tito? That’s actually Marlon Jackson posing as Tito. Jackie Jackson is posing as Marlon, Randy Jackson is posing as Jackie, and Diana Ross cut her hair short to pose as Randy. Every image of Diana Ross from 1992 to present time is a hologram.

Basically, every living person involved in the Jackson 5 is a faker, save for Jermaine. He’s still legit. Janet and LaToya Jackson were never asked to participate, despite LaToya’s striking male features.

I also plan to move to the Uncompahgre Wilderness in a few years. Taking my place will be a seven-year-old boy who suffers from Tourette’s Syndrome. Anyone who brings me astronaut food will be given updates on how Michael is doing.

Be well groomed
Do you have greasy hair or dirty clothing? Is the back of your neck hairy? Do you have one really long fingernail that’s obviously used for snorting cocaine? Great! Keep up the good work. Those of us who are actually employable need you to show up for interviews this way so the rest of us will look better in comparison.

Tips for ladies: Katherine Wather, president of Fashionable Northlander magazine, says even women who don’t wear makeup should use a little in interviews. However, ladies should try their best not to look like a whore.

“No one wants to hire a slut, ” said Wather. “Except men. Men probably want to hire sluts.”

Dress for the conference room, not for the club
The more boring and stuffy you look, the easier it will be to trick employers into thinking you’re a hard worker. If you have hobbies or interests outside of work, hide them. If your entire family is dead and you’re all alone, try to work that into the conversation. Todd Wankman, CEO of Walmart Stores Inc, says he doesn’t care for interesting people.

“Interesting people are a hindrance to productivity,” said Wankman. “They’re the ones who call the police when I lock them in the store overnight.”

Playing to win
You’ve never worn a sweatsuit on a job interview, but maybe you should. I mean, everyone keeps turning you down, and every job you apply for has like 70 other applicants with more experience, so you’re probably not going to get this job either. Why not just give up like the fat loser that you are?

Since different industries have different dress codes, we asked HR workers from the top 9,000 local Duluth businesses how applicants should dress for an interview. Here are the results for each industry.

Finance, law and banking
Conservative institutions have often been known to castrate job applicants who don’t show up in a suit. Ladies can’t go wrong dressing like Hillary Clinton or the queen of England.

High-level sales, marketing and real estate
Why? Why on Earth would you seek a career in this field? Isn’t living in the Northland enough reason to drink? Duct tape can’t fix your liver. But if you do want to apply, try a dark blue blazer and slacks. Extra credit: Wear a Medic Alert bracelet so you can brag about how many ulcers you’ve had.

Creative fields
Are you interviewing for a creative/artistic position like graphic designer, art gallery curator, or abortionist? Pretty much anything goes in this field. Just roll out of bed, make sure your penis and/or breasts are not clearly visible, and you’re ready for your big interview.

Clowning profession
You should dress as a clown. They will probably want to see what you look like as a clown.

Mining industry
Most bosses in these labor-intensive jobs want to hire people like them; someone they’d enjoy having beers with at the local bar. To help them envision that scenario, show up to your interview drunk. Extra credit: Wear fly fishing gear or a full-body snowmobile suit to really impress your interviewer.

Internships
No one cares about interns. You could jump off the top of the building and splatter on the sidewalk, and your boss wouldn’t even notice you were gone. However, if an interview is actually required, be sure to bring a coffee for your potential boss. They’ll be greatly impressed with how well you understand the position.

Porn (acting)
In porn, your “interview” is usually filmed. Wear comfortable clothing and bring a towel.

Porn (editing)
No one’s ever going to hire you to edit porn. If such a job were ever posted, there would be 700 million applicants.

It can be tricky to learn the standards for every profession, but by doing your homework and not sexually assaulting the interviewer, you’ll be employed in no time. Unless you’re a dunce. There’s always a chance you won’t get the job because you’re a complete freaking dunce.

Apparently, Central High School is testing single-gender classrooms. Teachers say it makes students more comfortable and keeps their hormones in check. The theory is that instead of worrying whether their boobs and/or package looks nice, the kids will pay attention and get better grades.

Segregation? Really, citizens of Duluth? This is your grand scheme for making your kids smarter? Getting good grades in high school isn’t exactly brain surgery. Read the chapters and do your homework, and you’ll get a decent grade. Don’t do that, and you’ll spend the rest of your life unclogging toilets at Walmart. The system works wonderfully. Ambitious kids are rewarded, while lazy kids bag my groceries and serve me Baconators at Wendy’s.

Yet there’s always some yahoo who thinks good systems need to be “fixed”. There’s always some parent trying to cover up how lazy their kids are, or some teacher trying to cover up how lazy they are in not helping students who are falling behind. They all dream of a perfect world where they do nothing and somehow it magically results in their kid getting perfect grades. Everyone’s happy and no one grows up to be a DJ in a strip club.

Well, someone has to DJ at the strip club. Those strippers aren’t going to dance to the sound of elderly men coughing.

Yet the Duluth News-Tribune writes one poorly-researched article – in which they interview only one student – and suddenly everyone in town thinks it’s the greatest idea since pooping indoors. This so-called revolutionary plan is being sold the same way politicians sell themselves: Offer big ideas with as little substance as possible.

Anyone who has ever met a homeschooled kid knows why single-sex classes are a bad idea. Homeschoolers are the smartest people you’ll ever meet, but they’re socially retarded. They’ve traded social skills for comfort. The last thing this world needs is more people who only work well with people just like them, and Central High School’s new program is breeding these sorts of kids.

If a student can’t concentrate because the opposite sex is around and they’re afraid to look stupid in front of strangers, how are they going to function in college, where there are often 100 students per classroom? How are they going to work in the real world? Maybe instead of encouraging kids to hide in a toilet stall whenever they have anxiety, we should teach them to suck it up.

If Central would like me to, I’d be glad to teach a class titled, “Suck It 101″. The name alone would create a waiting list 100 students deep. In this class, I would insult and berate students repeatedly. At the end of each period, I’d leave the room for five minutes so they could talk. Over time, the group would come to the conclusion that I’m a clueless moron with no teaching degree, and what I think doesn’t matter. Ta-da! They’ll have learned to tune out harmful people.

Can you imagine an entire school of students who not only know how to spot an imbecile, but are also smart enough to ignore them? Politics alone would be changed forever. In future classes, students would have no fear of what anyone else thinks. The first day of my class, they’d be cowards. The last day, they’d punch me in the face, tell me to go to hell, and collect an A+.

I’m sorry, what were we talking about again? I got a little excited. Ah yes, confidence and learning to work with different personalities. That’s what single-sex classes don’t promote. My class idea is perhaps a bit extreme, and severely lacking in the area of “working with others”, but we can tweak the curriculum.

The point is students don’t need a drastic curriculum change. They just need some guts, and that will come with time. Or else they’ll work at a strip club. It’s really up to them.