Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.
This is your captain speaking, welcoming you to flight 774 with Sun Country, the affordable airline that doesn’t yet charge you for using the toilet. Our flight time will be three hours and 45 minutes, assuming I don’t get distracted while surfing the internet and bypass our destination entirely.
Our flight attendants will be coming around shortly to offer $8 pairs of headphones you have no interest in buying, as well as to re-stow your carry-on luggage for no apparent reason, mashing it ever deeper into the overhead compartment. Have a wonderful flight, and thank you for choosing Sun Country.
* * *
This is your captain speaking. We are currently at 35,000 feet, our optimum altitude for the flight. The fasten seatbelt signs have been turned off, which is the cue for our flight attendants to clog the aisle with a beverage cart for the next hour. You can have your choice of tap water, weak coffee, warm Fresca, or an alcoholic drink that costs $17. Alcoholic drinks are limited to two so that even a child couldn’t get drunk off them.
If you’re seated on the left side of the aircraft, you can look out the window and see the bright lights of Las Vegas, a town with so many drunks that it’s the only place on Earth where Cher can charge $250 per ticket and not die of starvation. Those of you seated on the right side of the plane can see the not-so-bright lights of Enterprise, Nevada, the town where I deflowered my wife. Have a wonderful flight, and again, thank you for choosing Sun Country.
* * *
This is your captain speaking. Just giving a friendly reminder that if you press the service button to summon a flight attendant, they will glare at you angrily as if you ran over their child with your car. If you feel this attitude is unprofessional, feel free to send an e-mail to whatever random address you can find on our website, where it will rest forever in a neglected inbox with spam advertisements for Viagra and unwanted updates from the Classmates.com account we signed up for eight years ago and then forgot about.
Flight attendants will be coming around shortly with your choice of a frozen vegetarian sandwich that hasn’t quite defrosted fully, or a plastic bowl full of mystery meat which may or may not contain pooooop. Each meal costs $12, and we only have three veggie sandwiches. Have a wonderful flight, and once again, thank you for choosing Sun Country.
* * *
This is your captain speaking. You may notice some turbulence over the next hour, as some of the checked luggage found its way out of the belly of the plane only to be sucked into one of our engines. No reason for concern though, folks. We didn’t really need that fourth engine anyway. Passengers on the left side of the aircraft can watch the charred remains of the luggage squirt out the backend of the engine and try to decipher whether it’s theirs.
While I have your attention, I’d like to use this time to tell you an interesting story about my life. A lot of people think airline pilots have it all. We get paid well, we’re incredible lovers, and these uniforms collect more poon in a week than most of you see in a lifetime. But even so, sometimes I too feel the lonely bug. Sometimes I long for a lover who will arouse my feelings instead of my enormous loins. Oh sweet Penelope! How I long for your soft kisses and intoxicating lady odor! You are dead from a snowmobiling accident, but perhaps I shall find another like you someday! Have a wonderful flight, and yet again, thank you for choosing Sun Country.
* * *
This is your captain speaking. I understand some passengers are complaining about my constant announcements, saying some of them are unnecessary and interrupt their sleep. Well pardon me for trying to start a conversation. Pardon me for being a human being with feelings. Pardon me for trying to brighten your day with behind the scenes plane-related gems that very few people have the privilege of learning. God forbid I bore you inbred sociopathic bastards with my fragile heart!
I’m putting on the fasten seatbelts sign just for spite. And no electronic devices! And you have to return your seats to their upright position! All for spite! Have a wonderful flight, and as always, thank you for choosing Sun Country.
* * *
This is your captain speaking. We’ve had a slight change in our flight plans this evening. Our stock price is down a bit, so after landing, we’ll be sitting on the tarmac for 4-5 hours, during which time we’ll charge $5 for every 10 seconds of bathroom usage. Our flight attendant Martha will stand outside the door and count your time aloud for everyone to hear.
We want to thank you one more time for choosing Sun Country airlines. We know our planes are more cramped than a city bus, and our flight attendants are considerably uglier than other airlines, but you’re poor and we thank you for being poor. Have a wonderful evening.