I don’t want to get weird here, reader, but one of you has to have sex with Google. The competition for Google Fiber, which could provide internet speeds of up to 100 bazillion fartillion gigabytes per second, is heating up. No matter what crazy act Duluth does, shittier towns like Topeka, KS and Turd, IN keep matching us.
Yes, I know Mayor Donny Ness was on the front page of the New York Times for jumping in the icy water of Lake Superior, but don’t get cocky. It’s only a matter of time before Google realizes that Ness does that every day to keep his hairstyle frozen in place. Which works, by the way. It doesn’t make your hair greasy like gel.
We need to do something to show Google we’re more desperate and pathetic than those other cities. Sadly, everything seems to have been done. Topeka renamed its town. The mayor of Sarasota, FL swam with sharks. A dairy in Madison, WI created Google-flavored ice cream. Residents of Flint, MI tied a dog to a lamppost and threatened to beat it to death.
So this is what it’s come to, residents of Duluth. One of you has to have sex with Google. Let’s find the prettiest lady and man in town – one of each in case the progressive folks at Google prefer a “buffet” to a single entree – and drag those pretty people kicking and screaming into an unmarked van headed for Mountain View, CA.
I know what you’re thinking. “What if Topeka, KS also has sex with Google?” Please. Have you ever seen someone from Topeka, KS? Have you seen what those people look like? Fat, no teeth, wide-set eyes from decades of inbreeding, patches of hair missing like The Toxic Avenger threw up on them.
Granted, that also describes most locals from Duluth, but we’re a college town! We have non-ugly college students who moved here from whatever place pretty people come from! So let’s stuff the most attractive ones into a windowless van and trade their loins for high-speed internet.
I know what you’re thinking. “Hey Paul, maybe you shouldn’t condone the kidnapping and forced prostitution of college students.” Whatever. It’s for Google Fiber. Anything goes. Do you have any idea how much faster you could download Bangbus videos with internet that’s 100 times faster? 100 times, that’s how much faster! Think of how much more you could get done if you only spent an hour a day defiling yourself, instead of two or three.
If you’re really that concerned about it, you could hold a contest instead to find the prettiest people in town willing to fornicate with Google, but you’ll be sacrificing quality. The prettiest ones never volunteer to have sex with strangers. I know, I know. Life isn’t fair. But hey, if you want to take the chance of ending up with a bunch of slightly-off pretty people who are hot but have ears like an elephant, then be my guest. I’m sure Google will just give us the Google Fiber contract after you back up your dump truck full of one-off pretties to their headquarters.
Seriously though, on that note, it might also be smart to bring along a pair of mediocre-looking people who are willing to do more adventurous stuff in bed. Some people prefer that. Some pretty people get married to ugly people based solely on that. It’s worth a shot, so let’s stop by the University of Wisconsin-Superior and pick up a few of those types before leaving.
It’s not rocket science, Duluth. Your region needs a booster shot of innovation, something to draw in new industries that provide jobs. I understand Duluth used to be home to the guy who ran the adult site Frostedfaces.com, but that website no longer exists. I know because I checked myself. The Northland needs something to replace it; a new Frosted Faces, but with less frosting and more real work that doesn’t require a check for STDs and hepatitis beforehand.
People have had random sex for less important reasons than this. Some poor actress probably slept with Rob Schneider just to get a small part in Deuce Bigalow 2: European Gigolo. Some guy probably had sex with the female CEO of Kraft Foods just to get a discount on cheese. A bunch of girls probably slept with that guy who created Facebook, even though he’s worthless and has only worsened our society in his lifetime.
I never thought I’d say this without barfing, but it’s time for Duluthians to part their legs a little wider. You want innovation, jobs, and the ability to stream episodes of Cougar Town without lag? Well somebody has to step it up, and I think it’s high time attractive people in Duluth actually did something besides make us feel bad for trying to shop at The Buckle when we’re over the age of 30.
Tear off your trousers, Duluth. This time, instead of getting banned from Caribou Coffee for life, you might help an entire region.