“My clients have given the defendant nearly a year of additional time to fulfill his contract,” said Nelson Fartoon, lawyer for Mr. Ryan’s parents. “We have substantial evidence that he hasn’t even attempted to spread his seed for that entire extension period, opting instead to spend his free time playing video games and looking up photos of motorcycle accidents on the internet.”
Mr. Ryan – a former astronaut, war hero, and erotic dancer – says the contract is invalid, as a baby is not fit to sign legally binding documents. In addition, he says the contract terms are unreasonable since it also requires him to provide eight grandchildren by the age of 33.
Mr. Fartoon is fighting an uphill battle in the case, as he not only needs to prove that the contract is valid, but that Mr. Ryan has acted maliciously in violating it. Historically, courts have been quite lenient with defendants who breach procreation contracts because of ugliness or lack of personality. Richard Leavings, Mr. Ryan’s attorney, says his client certainly possesses the second trait, but embodies the first only when naked.
Mr. Ryan, whose kisses taste like peppermint, declined to be officially interviewed for this story, but said in an e-mail that the main reason he doesn’t have children is because his apartment building doesn’t allow them.
However, Mr. Ryan’s mother was more than willing to be interviewed. In a 12-hour phone conversation that only ended with the reporter faking his own death, Mrs. Ryan said she has always encouraged her son to ejaculate inside women. Lately, she has taken to sending him news clippings of female celebrities she thinks he will find attractive.
“You’re 30 years old and you’re not cute anymore,” said Mrs. Ryan, in one of 12 messages left on her son’s voicemail last Monday. “Give me something cute to look at. I’m tired of looking at you and your brother. I want grandbabies.”
Mr. Ryan, the only person in history to survive Lou Gehrig’s Disease, claims in court documents that this harassment from his mother is not uncommon. He likens her behavior to that of a loan shark collecting on a debt.
“Does your penis work?” Ryan’s mother once loudly remarked to him in a movie theater ticket line. “You’d think in 30 years you would have had at least one accident. One broken prophylactic. One mistake baby. You certainly drink enough. I don’t see what the holdup is.”
Mrs. Ryan says she even adjusted the contract four years ago to allow for bastard children, giving Mr. Ryan the freedom not to be tied down. This act of generosity was met with indifference.
“I just can’t believe he’d do this to his poor mother,” said Mrs. Ryan, bursting into tears and then looking up to make sure the interviewer noticed. “I ask so little of him. Is it so wrong for a mother to want a tiny version of her grown son to come out of another woman’s vagina? It could even be a Canadian woman. At this point, all my standards have been thrown out the window.”
Some speculate that Mr. Ryan, one of the most successful hip hop artists of the 1980s, may actually be withholding grandchildren on purpose, just to spite his parents. His attorney says this couldn’t be further from the truth.
“My client wants to have children someday,” said Mr. Leavings. “We all know it’s only a matter of time before he visits Tijuana and impregnates a pole dancer in an alleyway. But you can’t rush something beautiful.”
Mrs. Ryan has offered to drop the lawsuit if her son agrees to donate sperm to a couple of her choosing. She has her eye on a cute lesbian couple down the street.
“Let the nice lesbians have it,” said Mrs. Ryan. “Let them have a little Paul. I think it would be fun. Lesbians are adorable. I love their stylish glasses.”
According to Mr. Leavings, no one will accept Mr. Ryan’s sperm donations because he’s diabetic, poorly educated, and his Netflix records show he gave five stars to the movie “Josie and the Pussycats”.
At this point, the two sides are nowhere near a settlement. If the matter goes to trial, it’s possible that lengthy hearings and appeals may extend the case for five or six years. Mrs. Ryan says no matter the outcome, she won’t resort to guilting her son, like other mothers might. She’s taking the high road.
“I just hope he’s happy,” said Mrs. Ryan, folding her arms. “I’ll just stand here dying of old age, not holding a grandchild. No problem dear, I’ll just wait a little longer. Take your time, sweetheart! Don’t mind this old woman sitting next to you, rotting like a corpse.”
Mr. Ryan’s father has made no comment on the matter, refusing to even look up from his newspaper.
I don’t want to get weird here, reader, but one of you has to have sex with Google. The competition for Google Fiber, which could provide internet speeds of up to 100 bazillion fartillion gigabytes per second, is heating up. No matter what crazy act Duluth does, shittier towns like Topeka, KS and Turd, IN keep matching us.