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Archives: Apr 2010

Don’t get me crappy presents

Yes, it’s my birthday next week. Yes, I’ll be 31. Yes, I’ll be a year older. But unlike the rest of you cowards, I’ve chosen to age clumsily and profanely instead of gracefully. I will kick and scream the entire way to my grave, and drag as many young people down with me as possible.

When I get to 40, I plan to start selling crack. When I turn 50, I’ll roam my neighborhood throwing empty whiskey bottles at teenagers. When I get to 60 or so, I’ll just sit on my porch with a hose and douse anyone who comes within 40 feet of my yard. By the time I croak, I’ll be so despised that locals will just toss my wrinkled corpse into an Arby’s dumpster.

Which will be awesome, because they probably throw delicious roast beef in there.

You will do the same when your time comes, dear reader. I mean the kicking and screaming part, of course, not the hose or the Arby’s dumpster. Those are my elderly eccentricities. I’ve already called dibs on them. Find your own schtick.

Engagements – Week of April 19, 2010

Todd Fenceman and Autumn Winslow, both of Cherry, MN, plan to be married June 16 in United Lutheran Church in Duluth. Autumn is incredibly pretty, while Todd is large and homely. This situation, described by psychologists as the “King of Queens/According to Jim/Family Guy/Simpsons/Still Standing/Grounded For Life/Who Framed Roger Rabbit syndrome”, is not uncommon in small towns on the Iron Range, where beautiful people sometimes neglect to venture to large cities to accurately gauge their attractiveness.

Aaron Johnson and Amanda Santana, both of Two Harbors, MN, plan to be married May 1 in Great Lakes Aquarium in Duluth. No one knows why they would plan to be married in such a place, but since both of them are from out of town, it’s suspected that neither of them have ever actually seen the aquarium and just think it would “be cool”. Disappointment awaits.

Wilfred Ryan and Gertrude Rounds, both of Esko, MN, plan to be married June 1 in St. Mary’s Church in Duluth. The couple is so old that many wonder why two people so elderly and decrepit would even bother marrying again. It can sometimes take professional movers up to a week to begin moving a couple’s things into the same house, and by that time, it’s not unreasonable to think either Wilfred or Gertrude may already be dead.

Justin Bieber and I are Twitter buddies

mrpaulryan @justinbieber: Hey man, whassup?

mrpaulryan @justinbieber: Hello? Hey, u there? I love ur music. I have two posters of u.

mrpaulryan @justinbieber: One is in my bedroom and the other is in the bathroom. Both are on the ceiling.

mrpaulryan @justinbieber: Are u there? Is Twitter instantaneous? Can u see as I type? Can you tell if I’m not wearing pants? Can u touch me while I sleep?

mrpaulryan @justinbieber: Sometimes I sing your songs in the shower, but I always wear a swimsuit in the shower so it’s not gay.

mrpaulryan @justinbieber: Do u ever put ur Blackberry on vibrate and leave it in ur vagina?

mrpaulryan @justinbieber: Um, u didn’t read that last one, did u? Sorry. I meant to send that to Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

I have two weeks left to live

When someone says you have two weeks to live, there are many things you do. You hug your loved ones. You eat a lot of ice cream and candy bars. You play drinking games until six in the morning on weekdays. You max out all your credit cards on stupid crap like Nerf guns and boxes of unopened 1986 Donruss baseball card packs. You remove all the pornography from your computer, because man, that’s a lot of pornography.

You lie down in a field full of wheat, just to see what it feels like. You buy a cream pie and then smash your own face in it, just to see if it’s as funny as you’ve heard. You spend a considerably larger percentage of your time at water parks. You start learning to play the guitar, realize how difficult it is, and instead just play a few crappy riffs and then smash it against the ground like a rock star. You take a handful of money, stuff it in an envelope, and then mail it to a random person in the White Pages who has a funny-sounding name.

Paul Ryan is a funny sounding name. Shut up. It is.