The new school year started this week. I haven’t been in school since 2001, but I know it started because all the 17-year-old girls I usually hit on at the mall were gone today. In their place were elderly people power walking. I would hit on them, but I’m too out of shape to keep up. Also, I’ve never seen an elderly woman’s vagina before, and frankly, the thought of encountering one terrifies me.
Regardless, this is the time of year when this newspaper forces me to give students tips to help them achieve their best in life. Since I’m a 31-year-old temp who has to buy his own health insurance and hasn’t contributed to a 401k in nearly six years, I’m obviously quite the expert on maxing out one’s potential. But I’m currently the only writer for this publication who isn’t mentally ill or living off state disability payments, so I guess I’m a “winner” by their standards.
So here are my helpful tips. Be sure to come back in future weeks when I give tips on other things I know absolutely nothing about, like menopause, country western line dancing, and waking up before 3pm.
- If you’re a college freshman, be wary of your orientation group leaders. I used to be one in college, and I can tell you from experience that our only goal is to sleep with you. Sure, we might give you a tour of the campus or offer a shoulder to cry on if you’re homesick, but please be aware that we’re doing all these things while maintaining a full erection.
- If a teacher tries to sleep with you, go for it. It’s fun, and even though people your age tend to be horrendously awful in bed, you’ll probably still get an “A” just for being young and attractive. Also, as an impressionable young student, there’s no way you can get in trouble for this. The teacher you seduce may be thrown in prison and raped by serial killers, but you will not get in trouble.
- High schoolers: Being underage is a lot like being in prison. If you can find a contact to supply you with liquor and smokes, everyone will want to be your friend and no one will make you their bitch.
- College kids: This situation is the opposite for you. Knowing someone who can buy liquor is actually a huge hassle, because people will never leave you alone. It’s much better to just mooch off others.
- There has never been a time in life when a girl couldn’t get what she wants ten times faster by pretending she’s a huge slut. You don’t have to be a huge slut, you just have to pretend to be one. This trick will continue to work until you die of old age.
- Drugs are really bad for you. If you ever encounter a drug, you should immediately mail it to my home address so I can properly dispose of it. This includes your parents’ prescription drugs.
- If you’re awkward and not very cool, you should buy a hip pair of sunglasses to hide your face. Hipsters have been using this trick for years, and it works extremely well. I was not aware of this trick until recently, and now I feel like I’ve wasted my life. Everyone looks cooler in sunglasses, especially ugly douchepies like us.
- Sitting on the blacktop of a 7-11 parking lot at 11:30am, eating Ho-Hos and a Slurpee for lunch with friends may very well be one of the best moments of your life. It sounds sad, but it’s really not. Most high schoolers are very eager to move on to the more exciting parts of life, but there is rarely anything more awesome than a day that includes Ho-Hos, a Slurpee, and zero responsibilities. You’ll try to emulate this moment later in life, but by then these foods will give you diarrhea and you’ll get fired after spending the rest of the day at home.
- If you get a part-time job at the Perkins restaurant in Superior, keep in mind that not showing up to work for three days and then lying and telling them you had to drive to Minneapolis because your doctor said you might have cancer will cause them to fire you. I know from experience.
- On the other hand, if you get a job as a telemarketer, they will not fire you for any reason. You can skip work for three weeks without notice and they’ll let you show up the next day like nothing happened. I’m not sure why’d you want to come back though, since getting paid $8 per hour to have people repeatedly encourage you to commit suicide isn’t really worth any amount of payment.
- The computer lab is a bad place to look at porn. Even if you hide the browser behind Microsoft Word and just peek at it for a few seconds at a time, everyone will notice. This is why if I have kids, I’ll buy them a laptop before they go to college.
- The only true rules are have fun and don’t drop out, and they’re pretty simple ones to follow. People who drop out usually end up sleeping with me, and that’s way worse punishment than a few hours of studying each week.