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Archives: Oct 2010

Halloween is the holiday for winners

Halloween is the best holiday ever created. It’s indisputable. The only holidays that even come close are fake ones I made up, like “Katy Perry Topless Day” and “Set Your Local Congressperson on Fire Day”. There are few, if any, legitimate contenders amongst our society’s other anemic holidays.

What other holidays even come close? Christmas? Yeah, I used to think Christmas was pretty cool too, but then around age 10 I was suddenly expected to buy gifts for others instead of just receiving them. Halloween, on the other hand, allows me to selfishly take things without any intention of returning the favor. Christmas lasts freaking forever, with nearly two months of obnoxious carolers, Salvation Army bell ringers, and cartoon specials that secretly try to trick me into learning about Jesus. Also, if you fill a paper bag with dog shit, light it on fire and place it on your neighbor’s doorstep on Christmas morning, no one will laugh. No one at all.

What about St. Patrick’s Day? Both Halloween and St. Patty’s Day have equal amounts of drinking, but only one of them has women dressing up like various types of fictional prostitutes. I don’t want to get busy with a woman dressed as a “leprechaun with tits”. However, “Bullfighter with tits”, “Blue M&Ms with tits” or even “Harry Potter with tits” works fine. Especially the M&Ms one. Man, I love M&Ms. They’re delicious. The only thing I like better is Junior Mints, but a costume for that would probably look like a rabbit turd.

If this car’s a rockin’, it means I’m injured

At the age of 31, there are very few limits as to what a person can do physically. I can still take two steps at a time when walking up stairs. I can still slam dunk on the five-foot tall Nerf hoop in my apartment. I can still jog up to one-fourth of a mile without vomiting.

However, last weekend after a friend’s wedding, I learned the hard way that there’s one thing I could do as a teenager that is no longer an option: Making out in the backseat of a Ford Escort.

How the hell did I ever pull this stunt off in my earlier years? For Christ’s sake, I nearly broke my leg. If my female companion hadn’t accidentally slipped off the seat and cracked her back on that little bump in the floor that separates sides, my fibula would have likely shattered in three separate places. We weren’t even able to get our clothes off. I would have gotten further in a dimly lit booth at a Denny’s restaurant.

It was an unfortunate end to an otherwise lovely evening. After enjoying each other’s company during the wedding service, we searched for a place where we could have some privacy, but found ourselves short on options. “Do you have a room at the hotel?” I asked. She did, but was sharing it with friends. “Do you wanna go to my place?” I asked. She said driving that far would keep her out too late, as her flight was leaving at 7am.

After a few moments of awkward silence, I said something no one should ever say to anyone, unless they hate that person and want them to suffer. I said, “Wanna use the backseat of my Ford Escort?” It was a clever joke, and we both erupted into a fit of laughter. “No, seriously, what are we going to do?” I said. She shrugged and suggested we use the car. Even though it was my idea, I still can’t help but despise her a little for agreeing to it.

Deal memo for my new startup business

Property: Alvin and the Chipmunks
Licensee: Paul Ryan
Phone: 218.730.5230
Fax: 218.730.5904
Sex: No thanks, I’m stuffed

Product Description: Novelty Alvin and the Chipmunks doll with working pubic hair
Product Territory: Chernobyl, Russia; Tijuana, Mexico; Superior, WI.
Distribution: Department stores, mass market, hypermarket, supermarket, market market, farmer’s market, black market, and TJ Maxx.
Marketing: There are only two companies in these target regions that sell official Alvin dolls with working pubic hair, and we believe there is more than enough room for a third vendor. Paul Ryan Ltd is the largest and most experienced company in the novelty lifelike CGI animal pubic hair industry. They are the best partner to develop the studio’s product for these regions.

How to meet your neighbors

It’s important for college students to meet their neighbors. When you meet someone in person and trick them into thinking you’re nice, it makes it much harder for that person to call the police when you get drunk and urinate in the backyard wading pool they set up for their children.

Not that I’ve ever done that. If I did ever do such a thing, it would have been an incident from a very long time ago that was erased from my record when I turned 21, as the police promised. If it happened, that is. Which it didn’t.

The University of Minnesota-Duluth has apparently been doing a “meeting the neighbors” program for years, teaching students and elderly townies to live together in harmony. The students visit neighbors’ houses wearing backwards hats and t-shirts that say “Beaver inspector”, and the neighbors try not to despise them for dressing like hobos when meeting new people.

The next few hours are spent in awkward silence. Occasionally, the locals will regale the students with stories of why people who hate noise would purchase a house near a college, and in turn, the students will explain why they have wrist tattoos when they know prospective employers will see it immediately upon shaking their hand at the start of a job interview.