What other holidays even come close? Christmas? Yeah, I used to think Christmas was pretty cool too, but then around age 10 I was suddenly expected to buy gifts for others instead of just receiving them. Halloween, on the other hand, allows me to selfishly take things without any intention of returning the favor. Christmas lasts freaking forever, with nearly two months of obnoxious carolers, Salvation Army bell ringers, and cartoon specials that secretly try to trick me into learning about Jesus. Also, if you fill a paper bag with dog shit, light it on fire and place it on your neighbor’s doorstep on Christmas morning, no one will laugh. No one at all.
What about St. Patrick’s Day? Both Halloween and St. Patty’s Day have equal amounts of drinking, but only one of them has women dressing up like various types of fictional prostitutes. I don’t want to get busy with a woman dressed as a “leprechaun with tits”. However, “Bullfighter with tits”, “Blue M&Ms with tits” or even “Harry Potter with tits” works fine. Especially the M&Ms one. Man, I love M&Ms. They’re delicious. The only thing I like better is Junior Mints, but a costume for that would probably look like a rabbit turd.
Why not Thanksgiving? Once again, Halloween does the same concept better. You still get to eat until you puke, but it’s delicious chocolate instead of real food. If I’m going to eat so much that I spend the entire next day on the toilet, I’d rather make that sacrifice for candy than real people food. Also, Halloween wins because it doesn’t require me to speak to relatives. That’s a very comforting and underrated feature.
Some people may suggest that Valentine’s Day is the best holiday. These people have been married for years and only like Valentine’s Day because it’s the one time all year they get laid. Everyone else finds the holiday tedious or depressing. Nothing is depressing about Halloween, because it’s impossible to be depressed when you have an entire pillowcase full of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups.
I know what you’re thinking. Independence Day. It’s true that the Fourth of July is a strong contender, what with all its fireworks and carnies and drinking during the daytime. Well, call me old-fashioned, but I still prefer scantily-clad women and fun-size candy bars. The Fourth of July’s glaring lack of whores is inexcusable, like a sundae with no fudge or a pimp without a fashionable walking cane. If I were one of our founding fathers, I’d return from the dead and demand more whores.
Someday in your life, you may meet a person who suggests that Easter is the best holiday. You should look that person directly in the eyes and tell them to go to hell. Tell them you don’t want to spend your entire morning hiding eggs, and you certainly don’t want to waste it looking for them. And don’t even let them get you started about pastel colors. You hate pastels.
There are a few more holidays people might suggest: Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, maybe Labor Day. These are all filler holidays. People didn’t have anything to celebrate in May, June, or September, so they made up some “appreciation holidays” to break up the monotony of spending every night watching TV shows where one chef yells at other chefs. So now you watch those TV chefs with your mom instead, when you should really watch it with your mom every time, you selfish bastard.
What’s that? No, I didn’t forget about Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It’s just that I usually spend most of that day trying to get rid of my white suburban guilt by watching BET. It would probably work better if BET wasn’t so insulting to black people.
Face it, Halloween is unbeatable. For one night each year, you can become anything you want to be, even if what you want to be is stupid. You can transform yourself into any character – living or dead, real or fictional, human or animal, great or terrible – and use that character you idolize to try to get laid.
Last Halloween, I dressed up as Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm and spent most of my evening explaining to people exactly who the hell Larry David is, which is something I imagine the real Larry David does every day. Another year, I dressed as Magnum P.I. and quickly learned that I have no interest in being Magnum P.I. because his fake mustache falls off way too often.
This year I plan to dress as Where’s Waldo, because I secretly believe the Waldo character gets a tremendous amount of ass, and the reason no one can ever find him is because he’s busy plowing some chick. It makes sense. He’s tall, fashionably daring, and was sporting those hip glasses years before Tina Fey made them mainstream. Also, if you look closely enough in the books, you’ll see that Waldo has the indentation of an enormous penis. And so will I, if only for one evening. Thank you, Halloween.
Halloween is the best holiday ever created. It’s indisputable. The only holidays that even come close are fake ones I made up, like “Katy Perry Topless Day” and “Set Your Local Congressperson on Fire Day”. There are few, if any, legitimate contenders amongst our society’s other anemic holidays.