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Archives: Nov 2010

Christmas gifts I won’t be buying

I like to think of myself as a giving person. Sure, there’s my weekly gift of crude vagina jokes in this column, but I also love giving traditional gifts. I love seeing joy slowly fill a person’s face, as if a shot of whiskey they drank was just taking effect. However, there are a few gifts I will never buy for anyone. This list only scratches the surface.

Homemade gifts
I’m a smart man. I know that no matter what I buy you, there’s a 99 percent chance your’e going to return it and spend the money on heroin. That’s why I would never make you a homemade gift. If you give someone something they can never throw away, they will hate you forever for it.

Don’t you absolutely despise those commercials that play every December showing a Lexus with a huge red bow on it in some rich hoser’s driveway? Doesn’t it just make you want to punch things? There is not enough vomit in my system to showcase how I feel about rich people gifting cars to other rich people.

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, the Vikings are playing

Perhaps it’s in poor taste for me to say this, but living in California, it’s odd watching a Packers vs. Vikings game on TV without having it constantly interrupted by the sounds of someone beating their wife. Every touchdown, every penalty, there’s only silence. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I miss the Twin Ports.

There was a long run by Adrian Peterson in the first quarter where I thought for sure I’d hear some angry shouting followed by the muffled sound of a lamp hitting a wall, but there was nothing. A few seconds later, that obnoxious Metrodome Vikings horn made an appearance, and I thought, “There’s no way the neighbor’s wife isn’t strategically picking up a kitchen knife and pretending to cut vegetables to give herself a defensive weapon right now,” but then I realized I’m in California, where people only beat their wives during USC games.

By the way, I don’t care if the Metrodome is now called “Mall of America Field”. I refuse to acknowledge that name. I haven’t visited the Mall of America since 1997, when it took me an hour to park, four hours and a dozen miles of walking to get to the actual store inside the mall, and another hour to get back to my car again and leave. I realize six hours is actually a really speedy time for purchasing one CD at that monstrosity of a mall, but I’m still holding a grudge. The Metrodome may be terrible, but unless it collapses and kills all 63,000 fans, it’s not terrible enough to be compared to that mall.

Troubles at work

From: Marcus Biggins
To: Paul Ryan
Date: Fri, Nov. 12 at 10:03am
Subject: Goddamn donuts

Paul, did you leave one-eighth of a donut in the office kitchen? What the hell?! That’s half of one bite. If you’re going to take a donut, you need to commit to that shit. You might as well leave one-eighth of your balls in the kitchen, as the rest of us would regard them the same way. It’s almost as if you’re purposely being obnoxious. It’s almost as if you enjoy receiving these e-mails from me. Finish your donuts, bro.

From: Marcus Biggins
To: Paul Ryan
Date: Fri, Nov. 12 at 10:47am
Subject: The goddamn toilet

Paul, I saw you leave the toilet. I know you were in there. I watch you, and every time I see you leave the toilet, I walk in there to check up on what you did. You never flush, and it seems you go so far as to even use the plunger to position your poop so it pokes up out of the toilet water. This is disgusting. If you want to work here, you need to poop better, bro. If you don’t, I’ll send the company president an e-mail complaining about your poop. I will send him a photo and he won’t be happy.

Chocolate with a side of cliches

This year, I celebrated Halloween with my usual tradition of buying a huge bag of candy for trick-or-treaters, locking my door, and then refusing to answer it as I ate all the candy myself. Occasionally, I would open the door, eat candy in front of the children, and spit melted chocolate into their hair.

They can egg my building all they want, but I’m not the landlord, so I don’t have to clean it.

My candy of choice this year was Dove Promises. Though this candy is slightly feminine, it was on sale and I was drunk on cold medication when I bought it, so I retain my masculinity.

Dove Promises candy has inspirational messages printed inside the wrapper. You might open one and see the phrase “Enjoy a beautiful sunset” or “No day is better than one spent with friends” or “Cleveland 34, New England 14. Chansi Stuckey eleven yards receiving.” However, some of the messages seem kind of passive-aggressive and rude. I will critique them for you here, because that’s just the sort of thing I do.

Thanksgiving is unprofitable

Wang Lundgren, CEO of Macy’s department store, announced today that Thanksgiving will be canceled throughout America so Christmas can be extended another month. Lundgren claims an extra month of Christmas shopping will help stimulate the economy.

“Thanksgiving is cock blocking Christmas,” said Lundgren. “It’s bullshit. Nobody buys anything for Thanksgiving. Frozen turkeys don’t stimulate the economy. Turkeys are, like, free man. I’m totally way serious. Every town has some sketchy dude who lives down by the river, giving away free turkeys. I’m way serious. I’m totes serious.”

Duluth used to have a specialty hobo, Denny Kempton, who slept in a garbage can near the lake and handed out rotting turkeys to pretty ladies, but Kempton died last year after being eaten by a freshwater shark. This leaves impoverished Duluth residents with few options for their annual feast.

“These days, most Duluthians just shoplift expired cans of gravy from Super One,” said Carrie LePine, a social worker from Two Harbors. “They mix it with whiskey and ketchup and make it into a soup. When I make it, I call the soup ‘Gravy Lady’, because it’s gravy and made by a lady.”

LePine added that some people also call her “Gravy Lady”, which she likes.