I like to think of myself as a giving person. Sure, there’s my weekly gift of crude vagina jokes in this column, but I also love giving traditional gifts. I love seeing joy slowly fill a person’s face, as if a shot of whiskey they drank was just taking effect. However, there are a few gifts I will never buy for anyone. This list only scratches the surface.
I’m a smart man. I know that no matter what I buy you, there’s a 99 percent chance your’e going to return it and spend the money on heroin. That’s why I would never make you a homemade gift. If you give someone something they can never throw away, they will hate you forever for it.
Don’t you absolutely despise those commercials that play every December showing a Lexus with a huge red bow on it in some rich hoser’s driveway? Doesn’t it just make you want to punch things? There is not enough vomit in my system to showcase how I feel about rich people gifting cars to other rich people.
Soundtrack to the TV show Glee
I don’t hate Glee. I’ve heard it’s a funny show. However, I just don’t think people should sing. Ever. People should never sing. I like bands, but there should never be singing that isn’t partially drowned out by guitars. This “a cappella” style makes me uncomfortable.
My dad is the same way with cross-dressing. He was born in the late-1940s, and he just doesn’t think people should cross-dress. One of my mom’s favorite movies is “Mrs. Doubtfire”, where Robin Williams dresses up like an old lady, and my dad has refused to watch it at least 100 times since it was released in 1993. I’ve suggested that my mom get him drunk first, and then they can “happen upon” the film while flipping through the cable channels, but she thinks it’s a lost cause.
Any shirt that is a color other than blue, black, or very dark green
Red? You want to wear a red shirt? Are you directing planes at the airport? I will buy you a brown shirt, because that way I’ll never feel self-conscious when hanging out with you and your flashy red shirt. Michael Jackson is dead, and he used to molest kids. His legacy doesn’t need to be continued.
Dairy Queen ice cream cake
I will eat it before it gets to you. End of story.
Victoria’s Secret Miraculous bra
If Tom Petters, the disgraced former CEO of Sun Country Airlines, asked you to invest in a new fraud scheme he was cooking up, would you say yes? Because that’s what you’re essentially doing when you buy these bras for women. You’re helping to promote fraud. Over the past few years since this invention, there have been an inordinate number of skinny women with ridiculously large breasts, and I’m tired of the lies.
Anything that costs more than $100
Unless you’re sleeping with me, and doing a pretty fine job of it, I’m not spending that much money on you. Sorry.
iPod Nano watchband
The newest tech craze involves attaching a tiny iPod Nano to a wristband and using it as a watch. Have you ever tried to listen to music with the headphones connected to your wrist? It’s like constantly having an invisible person jerk your head to the side every few moments. Also, I don’t really want to recharge my watch every evening. Also, no one but me and three other people over 30 wear watches anymore. If someone buys you this gift, it’s because they hate you or suspect you’re sleeping with their wife.
Muhammad Ali luxury robe
I’m buying this for myself, which is why I can’t buy it for you. Go ahead, Google it. It exists.
The Mangroomer shaver
It’s a good general rule in life to never buy anything called “The Mangroover” in the first place, but I did notice this item perched on an endcap at Walgreens the other day. The name, combined with the image on the packaging, combined with the liberal use of the phrase “Private Body Shave”, disturbed me so much that I may never shop at Walgreens again. Trimming is a must, folks, but let’s just keep any conversation about it to ourselves, shall we?
If you take the money you were going to spend on a friend’s gift, and instead send the money to poor kids in Africa, was it really a gift for your friend in the first place? It wouldn’t be socially acceptable if I baked you a pie, gave it to local newscaster Dennis Anderson, and then handed you a card noting what I did, would it? The same rule applies for African refugees. Hands off my presents, bitches.
What am I, rich? You’re aware that I don’t get paid for these weekly columns, right? My editor once gave me a coupon to The Brewhouse that caused the waitress to frown at me when I used it, but I’ve never actually been paid to write this column. Sam Cook at the Duluth News-Tribune gets paid for his columns. Maybe you should ask him for an iPad. Asshole.