Soundtrack to the TV show Glee
I don’t hate Glee. I’ve heard it’s a funny show. However, I just don’t think people should sing. Ever. People should never sing. I like bands, but there should never be singing that isn’t partially drowned out by guitars. This “a cappella” style makes me uncomfortable.

My dad is the same way with cross-dressing. He was born in the late-1940s, and he just doesn’t think people should cross-dress. One of my mom’s favorite movies is “Mrs. Doubtfire”, where Robin Williams dresses up like an old lady, and my dad has refused to watch it at least 100 times since it was released in 1993. I’ve suggested that my mom get him drunk first, and then they can “happen upon” the film while flipping through the cable channels, but she thinks it’s a lost cause.

Any shirt that is a color other than blue, black, or very dark green
Red? You want to wear a red shirt? Are you directing planes at the airport? I will buy you a brown shirt, because that way I’ll never feel self-conscious when hanging out with you and your flashy red shirt. Michael Jackson is dead, and he used to molest kids. His legacy doesn’t need to be continued.

Dairy Queen ice cream cake
I will eat it before it gets to you. End of story.

Booze
See above.

Victoria’s Secret Miraculous bra
If Tom Petters, the disgraced former CEO of Sun Country Airlines, asked you to invest in a new fraud scheme he was cooking up, would you say yes? Because that’s what you’re essentially doing when you buy these bras for women. You’re helping to promote fraud. Over the past few years since this invention, there have been an inordinate number of skinny women with ridiculously large breasts, and I’m tired of the lies.

Anything that costs more than $100
Unless you’re sleeping with me, and doing a pretty fine job of it, I’m not spending that much money on you. Sorry.

iPod Nano watchband
The newest tech craze involves attaching a tiny iPod Nano to a wristband and using it as a watch. Have you ever tried to listen to music with the headphones connected to your wrist? It’s like constantly having an invisible person jerk your head to the side every few moments. Also, I don’t really want to recharge my watch every evening. Also, no one but me and three other people over 30 wear watches anymore. If someone buys you this gift, it’s because they hate you or suspect you’re sleeping with their wife.

Muhammad Ali luxury robe
I’m buying this for myself, which is why I can’t buy it for you. Go ahead, Google it. It exists.

The Mangroomer shaver
It’s a good general rule in life to never buy anything called “The Mangroover” in the first place, but I did notice this item perched on an endcap at Walgreens the other day. The name, combined with the image on the packaging, combined with the liberal use of the phrase “Private Body Shave”, disturbed me so much that I may never shop at Walgreens again. Trimming is a must, folks, but let’s just keep any conversation about it to ourselves, shall we?

Charity gifts
If you take the money you were going to spend on a friend’s gift, and instead send the money to poor kids in Africa, was it really a gift for your friend in the first place? It wouldn’t be socially acceptable if I baked you a pie, gave it to local newscaster Dennis Anderson, and then handed you a card noting what I did, would it? The same rule applies for African refugees. Hands off my presents, bitches.

iPad
What am I, rich? You’re aware that I don’t get paid for these weekly columns, right? My editor once gave me a coupon to The Brewhouse that caused the waitress to frown at me when I used it, but I’ve never actually been paid to write this column. Sam Cook at the Duluth News-Tribune gets paid for his columns. Maybe you should ask him for an iPad. Asshole.

 
From: Marcus Biggins
To: Paul Ryan
Date: Fri, Nov. 12 at 12:32pm
Subject: Goddamn tits on whiteboard

The whiteboard in the conference room is for business purposes, Paul. It helps us present things to clients or gather our company’s ideas in one place. Please stop drawing tits on it. It might be different if you were a talented artist and your work contributed to society’s modern art palette, but your tits are sloppy, Paul. I appreciate that the African-American ones you draw have brown nipples while the Caucasian ones have pink nipples, but it’s not worth erasing our company’s Timeline of Synergy to display.

 
From: Marcus Biggins
To: Paul Ryan
Date: Fri, Nov. 12 at 12:35pm
Subject: RE: Goddamn tits on whiteboard

Did you just draw more tits on the whiteboard since I sent you that last message?! Come on, bro!

 
From: Marcus Biggins
To: Paul Ryan
Date: Fri, Nov. 12 at 12:39pm
Subject: RE: RE: Goddamn tits on whiteboard

Did you just draw tits on the Microsoft Paint program on my computer while I was erasing the tits from the conference room?! Well, someone did! These tits aren’t drawing themselves, Paul! Not cool, bro!

 
From: Marcus Biggins
To: Paul Ryan
Date: Fri, Nov. 12 at 1:02pm
Subject: I am not a goddamn racist!

Paul, did you contact HR and report me for calling you “bro”? Just because it’s short for “brother” doesn’t mean it’s referring to black people. You’re not even black. I don’t understand your complaint. Please write me back so we can resolve this without HR. I really hate dealing with HR.

 
From: Marcus Biggins
To: Paul Ryan
Date: Fri, Nov. 12 at 1:10pm
Subject: RE: I am not a goddamn racist!

Did you just contact HR again and report me for using the phrase “black people”?! That’s not an offensive term! That’s what they like! Not “they”, but you know what I mean! African . . . people. Black . . . colored skin people. They . . . we . . . this makes me very uncomfortable! Stop it, Paul!

 
From: Marcus Biggins
To: Paul Ryan
Date: Fri, Nov. 12 at 3:21pm
Subject: My goddamn tea

Paul, Gladys from accounting says you placed your penis in my cup of tea while I was letting it cool in the kitchen. Is this true? Sometimes people tell me I’m too uptight when dealing with you, and sometimes I think maybe they’re right. Then almost immediately afterward, you place your penis in my tea again.

 
From: Marcus Biggins
To: Paul Ryan
Date: Fri, Nov. 12 at 3:23pm
Subject: RE: My goddamn tea

No, that’s not how you make “sweet tea”, Paul. Stop putting your dick in my goddamn drinks.

 
From: Marcus Biggins
To: Paul Ryan
Date: Fri, Nov. 12 at 4:31pm
Subject: Stop faking expense reports, goddamn it!!!!!

Hi Paul. Sorry to bother you during what I can only imagine is an extremely busy and productive work day for you, but Gary, our boss, found an expense report with my name on it left in his copy machine, and it’s slightly suspicious. The expenses include $4,000 in MC Hammer parachute pants, various transgendered Craigslist encounters, and a phone sex line where people chat with lemurs. Gary is old and doesn’t know what Microsoft Word is, so he thinks it’s real. Cut it out, bro.

 
From: Marcus Biggins
To: Paul Ryan
Date: Fri, Nov. 12 at 4:34pm
Subject: RE: Stop faking expense reports, goddamn it!!!!!

You did not just e-mail HR and complain about racism again! Bro is not racist! I hate you and your stupid dick face!

 
From: Gary Pooning
To: All Employees
Date: Fri, Nov. 12 at 5:05pm
Subject: Personnel change

Valued employees – As of today, Marcus Biggins will no longer be a member of our team. While we value his excellent work and applaud the bravery of his unusual sexual orientation, it’s difficult for a company to function well with such blatant racism afoot. Abused employee Paul Ryan has requested we hire an attractive 19-year-old girl with low self-esteem to replace Marcus, and we shall comply. Have a great weekend, everyone.

The removal of Thanksgiving would move the start of the Christmas shopping season to the day after Halloween, where retailers hope to take advantage of the estimated 47 percent of consumers who will still be drunk the following morning. Best Buy has already moved their Black Friday sales to this week, the largest discount being the new Jamiroquai album, which they will sell for $14.99 instead of $15.99.

Analysts agree that Thanksgiving is a fairly unprofitable holiday. Halloween spurs candy and costume sales, Valentine’s Day is a boon to restaurants and the floral industry, and Arbor Day causes nearly seven people to buy and plant a tree. However, Thanksgiving only stimulates airlines, which are run by insufferable bastards whom everyone believes should burn in everlasting hell.

Paul Ryan, winner of 10 straight “Handsomest Duluth Man” competitions despite not living here, believes Thanksgiving and Christmas should be combined into one holiday so people only have to speak to relatives once per year instead of twice. He also believes Christmas should absorb Veterans Day, Election Day, and two of his friends’ birthdays, further relieving him of personal responsibilities.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to those early Christmas sales,” said Ryan, his chiseled biceps glistening in the cool evening. “I’m not even going to use the sale price for that Jamiroquai album. I’m going to pay the full $15.99. It’s worth it. Man, I love me some of that hot Jamiroquai.”

Ryan then finished his drink and lent the nude dancer at the Lamplighter a quarter to feed the jukebox for her next song.

The rumors about abolishing the holiday had a large affect on the stock market, with a nearly 12 percent drop in Thanksgiving shares on Tuesday. Christmas shares rose by a few percentage points. Shares in the Duluth News-Tribune held steady at one-thousandth of one cent. Shares in the Reader Weekly were unavailable, as owner Bob Boone had misplaced them somewhere in his girlfriend’s 1994 Ford Festiva.

This isn’t the first time corporations have attempted to control major holidays. In 1987, media mogul Rupert Murdoch attempted to purchase Kwanza as a gift for his niece. He didn’t understand the holiday, and like most things Murdoch doesn’t understand – like MySpace – he attempted to buy it. After realizing Kwanza was a holiday for black people, Murdoch returned the holiday to the store where he purchased it and paid a 15 percent restocking fee.

In 1957, the League of Human Decency attempted to ban Valentine’s Day because it promoted hand holding, which could lead unsavory men to “accidentally” brush a woman’s hand against their groin. Back then, this act was the modern equivalent of boning a lady on a pool table in front of her mom. The attempt to ban the holiday failed miserably, and helped an entire generation of men add a new trick to their romantic repertoire, which before then had only included that lame Brady Bunch move where you pretend to yawn so you can put your arm around a girl. Abortions quickly increased tri-fold.

Many residents are ignoring Lundgren’s abolishment of Thanksgiving and continuing to have their annual feast, but Lundgren says such acts of defiance are meaningless. You can’t get together with your family for a meal unless the government and department stores allow it.

“Department stores determine the season with their product displays,” said Lundgren. “If we have Christmas items showcased on November 1, then that’s when Christmas starts. If I want to showcase Martin Luther King Jr. products in July, then July is Martin Luther King Jr. day. You can’t stop us. You may resist it at first, man, but over time those awful Christmas songs will be burned into your brain, and you’ll be totes serious about Christmas shopping. Totes serious.”