I once went to a naked party when I was in college. This is not a topic I bring up often, because it usually causes people I’m conversing with to either glance at my crotch briefly or drop to one knee and vomit. Either way, the conversation always ends with an awkward pause followed by, “Well, I have a lot of errands to run, but it was nice seeing you.”
A naked party is just like a regular party, except everyone stands around drinking beer while naked. To get some of the more obvious questions out of the way: Yes, it was creepy. No, it wasn’t fun. Yes, there were pretty women participating. No, it did not turn into an orgy. Yes, the lack of an orgy was disappointing. Yes, it was a bit chilly no matter how much we turned up the thermostat. Yes, it’s the most eye contact the ceiling in that house has ever received. No, I would not recommend you hold your own naked party.
The naked party I went to was with theater people. This should not be surprising to anyone who has hung out with a theater person for more than five seconds. After a show, a bunch of us in the cast and crew went to a bar and got drunk. When the bar closed, 10-15 of us stumbled back to a cast member’s house and drank some more. Theater people being the odd folk that they are, it was only a matter of time until one of the actors shouted, “Let’s make this a naked party!” and took off his clothes. Surprisingly, an actress followed suit, and the rest of us did the same. We stood around in the buff playing poker for roughly three hours.
The first problem with a naked party is they cannot be planned. Well, actually, the first problem with a naked party is having to watch nude people pump a beer keg. Yecch. But the second problem is that naked parties only occur organically. If you refer to an upcoming gathering as a naked party, no woman in her right mind will ever show up. The naked party must spawn from a regular party, and it cannot start until at least 3am, when only a handful of drunkards are still around.
The third problem with a naked party is nine times out of ten, the suggestion that everyone get naked fails horribly, forever marking the initial nude instigator as the weird guy no one ever wants to hang out with again.
The fourth problem with a naked party is it really only works with theater people. Most human beings are sensible, and will not get naked in front of large groups of colleagues, no matter how much liquor you give them. Theater people, however, spend every moment of their lives harboring some unquenchable feeling that they are not living life to its fullest. Buying groceries, studying, using the toilet: All of these activities waste valuable time that could be spent jumping off a cliff, backpacking in Europe, or doing nude cartwheels on top of a moving bus. So when someone suggests something wild and exciting like starting a naked party, or scoring some meth, theater people are most likely to go along with it.
The fifth problem with a naked party is girls will often agree to it, but then cheat and only strip down to their underwear. Since these girls likely won’t sleep with you anyway after seeing your naked body in bright lighting, it’s not unreasonable to show your disdain by throwing them into a snowbank outside.
The sixth problem with a naked party is that even though having a house full of naked people technically means your naked party was a “success”, a naked party is never really a success. No matter how uninhibited your guests are, it’s still really difficult to talk to someone when they’re naked. It’s also really hard to roam around a crowded party when you’re naked. The potential for accidentally brushing against someone is just horrifying. So the naked party mainly involves everyone standing in one place, ignoring each other.
The seventh, and most troublesome problem with a naked party is you have to remain standing. Sitting down is not an option. I’m a man of good hygiene and cleanliness, but even I wouldn’t sit on someone’s furniture while naked. Hell, I wouldn’t sit on my own furniture while naked. I could place my coat on the furniture and sit on that, but then I’d feel compelled to burn my coat in the backyard after the naked party was over.
The eighth and final problem with a naked party is despite the good intentions, it never results in anyone getting laid. If you think hitting on a pretty girl is difficult at a regular party, just wait until you try to do it while naked. You might as well walk up to her and say, “Hello, I’m a rapist,” because no matter what you say, those are the only words she’s going to hear.
After all these years, you’d think I’d get nostalgic for the naked party. I don’t. Hours upon hours of thinking about Kathy Bates in the movie “Misery” to keep myself from getting an erection is not my idea of an enjoyable evening. If you kids would like to try a naked party of your own, be my guest, but the only person who’s going to have fun is me when I’m looking at cameraphone photos of you on the internet.