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Archives: May 2011

Minnesota Twins game recap

Bottom 1st
- Denard Span bunts for no reason, is easily thrown out.
- Alexi Casilla hits a single to right field, is thrown out trying to stretch it into a double.
- Joe Mauer gets a headache, puts himself on the disabled list for 120 days. Drew Butera replaces him and strikes out. As Butera trudges back to the dugout, the Twins announcers lament for the 700th time about his great defensive skills.

The Rapture, now in 3D!

The rapture is coming! Hide your kids! Eat your ferrets! Kiss your wife! Punch your mistress so God thinks you’ve changed! Hide your Bieber albums! Put your birth control in the neighbor’s garbage in case God checks! Start a Christian radio network and use the profits to buy vans with advertisements for the rapture on them, making sure the date is printed in large font so you have to repaint the entire van if you’re wrong!

Pointlessly give up inconsequential things like it’s Lent! Sacrifice a virgin and/or barnyard animal! Erase all 47 gigabytes of porn from your computer! Randomly hoist Jewish people up on chairs, just in case! Learn to speak Chinese in case God prefers quantity over quality! Suspend yourself in a hot air balloon so the rapture can’t get you!

What? Yes, I know the rapture was last week. Yes, I know it didn’t happen. That was last week. This is a new week. New week, new rapture. It’s like an apartment lease. Once the old lease is up, you have to sign a new one, so I’m setting a new rapture date. I’ve spent months studying the Bible while wearing 3D glasses, and every time I read for more than four hours without a break, I see a hidden message from God. It’s hard to read, as 3D technology was limited in biblical times, but I believe it says, “I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it. Keep on jumpin’ off the floor, dancin’ until your feet is sore, party hard like a smarty girl, June 21st is when the rapture unfurls.”

Stray cat requirements

If I were to ever adopt a stray cat, it would have to meet certain criteria beforehand. It’s not that I’m picky, it’s just that there are a lot of cats in this world, and according to YouTube, some of them are specially trained to use the toilet like a person, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to demand certain features.

So my first requirement, of course, would be that the cat knows how to use the restroom. I’m not allowed to poop in a box in the kitchen, so why should some lousy cat get all the perks? There are no fewer than 976 videos on YouTube titled, “Cat uses toilet!!!!”, so clearly this is an equitable cat feature. However, the cat is not allowed to use the toilet while I’m showering, because I find that unsettling.

My second requirement is that the cat must improve my image, similar to the bump in coolness one would get from a tattoo or forearm implants. I’m an average white guy from Minnesota, so people here in Los Angeles tend to view me like the kid who cried on the first day of kindergarten when his mommy dropped him off. While that assumption is surprisingly accurate, people don’t realize that I was also the kindergartener who once threw up on the substitute teacher during the Pledge of Allegiance. So clearly, I can be a cool guy. I just need the proper accessory to showcase this side of me.

Fake quotes from famous people

After the gruesome death of terrorists Osama Bin Laden and Pat Sajak, naysayers flooded Facebook and Twitter with quotes from Martin Luther King Jr. and Mark Twain, to remind people that death shouldn’t be celebrated.

The problem is that these quotes were fake. But since it’s the internet and accuracy doesn’t matter, people have continued posting them. Well, if you can’t beat them, join them, so I’m providing a series of other inaccurate quotes people can use. Feel free to repost these in your Facebook or Twitter accounts.

Pat Sajak is dead. Rot in hell, Pat Sajak

A United States special forces team killed Pat Sajak today and recovered his body, bringing a close to the world’s highest-profile wheel-based game show. President Barack Obama announced the news to the world Sunday night.

“Justice has been done,” the president said solemnly. “Sajak was a terrorist responsible for the boredom of thousands of innocent men, women, and children. For nearly three decades, Sajak led nightly attacks against our country. Also, he was kind of a dick.”

Sajak, the leader of Al Qaeda and the most hunted man in the world, was not found in the remote tribal areas along the Pakistani-Afghan border where he has long presumed to be sheltered, but in a large “Wheel of Fortune” filming compound in Burbank, CA, about ten minutes north of that Ikea store that seems to only hire fat chicks.

The whereabouts of Sajak’s second-in-command, Alex Trebek, is unclear. Experts say Trebek may be sexing himself on the icy peaks of Canada’s highest mountain ranges. Canadian officials have politely agreed to bomb themselves until Trebek’s corpse is found.