– Denard Span bunts for no reason, is easily thrown out.
– Alexi Casilla hits a single to right field, is thrown out trying to stretch it into a double.
– Joe Mauer gets a headache, puts himself on the disabled list for 120 days. Drew Butera replaces him and strikes out. As Butera trudges back to the dugout, the Twins announcers lament for the 700th time about his great defensive skills.
– Justin Morneau sneezes, gets concussion. Tries to play anyway. Wanders into opposing team’s dugout and hits their 8-year-old batboy with his bat. Announcer says, “Well, at least he hit something this year.”
– Jason Kubel strikes out, chews gum angrily on way back to dugout.
– Jim Thome hits 7 foul balls, each traveling 520 feet, then strikes out.
– Michael Cuddyer gives up on trying to hit and just leans into pitches in hopes of getting beaned. Strikes out.
– Delmon Young falls asleep in dugout, forgets it’s his turn to bat. Counted as a strikeout.
– Danny Valencia hits 150th consecutive ground ball. Game is stopped while league commissioner honors him with “Least Powerful Third Baseman in Major League Baseball History” award.
– Denard Span hits a single. Sits down on first base and plays Angry Birds on his cellphone, knowing no one else on the team is capable of advancing him safely to second.
– Alexi Casilla hits a fly ball that travels six feet. It’s caught for an out, but he gets high-fives from his teammates for getting the most powerful hit of his career.
– Drew Butera is allowed to hit the ball off a tee, due to his .126 batting average. Still hits into a double play. As he trudges back to the dugout, the Twins announcers lament for the 700th time how he’s the son of former Twin Sal Butera. Per usual, they neglect to mention that Sal was also terrible.
– Justin Morneau sobs uncontrollably when heckler shouts profane, sexual version of Canadian National Anthem from the stands. Inconsolable, Morneau is replaced by Luke Hughes, who daydreams about that homerun he hit in his first major league at bat, and how horribly misleading that was to fans. Snaps out of it just in time to realize he struck out.
– Jason Kubel is replaced by Jason Repko, for some ungodly reason. Repko strikes out. Announcers remark on his “amazing speed” as he walks back to the dugout.
– Jim Thome walks. Ben Revere brought in to pinch run, since Thome’s age and size make it impossible for him to reach first base in less than two days.
– Michael Cuddyer waits patiently to be walked. Strikes out instead.
– Delmon Young forgets which way to face in batter’s box. Ends up backwards, hits umpire with bat when he swings. Called out and ejected from the game.
– Danny Valencia somehow manages to hit into double play, despite there being no runners on base.
– Denard Span walks. Instead of heading to first, tells umpire to “just count the next out as a double play” and heads back to dugout.
– Alexi Casilla refuses to bat again until the Twins bring his friend Carlos Gomez back, is replaced by Trevor Plouffe, who grounds out. Umpire counts it as a double play. Span tips hat to umpire from dugout.
– Drew Butera comes to bat. Opposing pitcher feels sorry for him, pitches to him underhand. He still strikes out.
– Luke Hughes is replaced by Rene Tosoni. Umpire refuses to let him bat, claiming he’s never heard of him. Counted as an out.
– Jason Repko is hit by pitch. Crowd erupts into deafening applause.
– Ben Revere hits into double play. Grabs his suitcase from the locker room and prepares to be sent back to the minors again.
– Michael Cuddyer demands to know why he still has to play when all the other starters have been removed and get to chat on Facebook in the locker room. Protests by refusing to swing. Strikes out.
– Since he was ejected, Delmon Young is replaced by Tsuyoshi Nishioka, who still has two broken legs. Nishioka cries out in pain as Gardenhire drags him to the batter’s box. Nishioka curses America as he strikes out.
– Danny Valencia is due at bat, but has already retired to the locker room. Umpire calls the game, says “Fuck it, you guys suck this year.”
– Manager Ron Gardenhire is presented with his “Manager of the year” award from last year. Twins fans pelt him with batteries.
Brian Duensing: 3IP, 7 earned runs, 15 hits, 12 walks, 0 strikeouts.
Kevin Slowey: 1IP, 7 earned runs, 15 hits, 12 walks, 0 strikeouts.
Glen Perkins: 1 IP, 4 earned runs, 6 hits, 57 walks, 0 strikeouts.
Alex Burnett: 0.1 IP, 7 earned runs, 9 hits, 4 walks, 0 strikeouts.
Jose Mijares: 2.2 IP, 1 earned run, 2 hits, 0 walks, 1 strikeout.
Joe Nathan: 1 IP, 43 earned runs, 146 hits, 43 walks, 0 strikeouts.