Bottom 2nd
- Justin Morneau sneezes, gets concussion. Tries to play anyway. Wanders into opposing team’s dugout and hits their 8-year-old batboy with his bat. Announcer says, “Well, at least he hit something this year.”
- Jason Kubel strikes out, chews gum angrily on way back to dugout.
- Jim Thome hits 7 foul balls, each traveling 520 feet, then strikes out.

Bottom 3rd
- Michael Cuddyer gives up on trying to hit and just leans into pitches in hopes of getting beaned. Strikes out.
- Delmon Young falls asleep in dugout, forgets it’s his turn to bat. Counted as a strikeout.
- Danny Valencia hits 150th consecutive ground ball. Game is stopped while league commissioner honors him with “Least Powerful Third Baseman in Major League Baseball History” award.

Bottom 4th
- Denard Span hits a single. Sits down on first base and plays Angry Birds on his cellphone, knowing no one else on the team is capable of advancing him safely to second.
- Alexi Casilla hits a fly ball that travels six feet. It’s caught for an out, but he gets high-fives from his teammates for getting the most powerful hit of his career.
- Drew Butera is allowed to hit the ball off a tee, due to his .126 batting average. Still hits into a double play. As he trudges back to the dugout, the Twins announcers lament for the 700th time how he’s the son of former Twin Sal Butera. Per usual, they neglect to mention that Sal was also terrible.

Bottom 5th
- Justin Morneau sobs uncontrollably when heckler shouts profane, sexual version of Canadian National Anthem from the stands. Inconsolable, Morneau is replaced by Luke Hughes, who daydreams about that homerun he hit in his first major league at bat, and how horribly misleading that was to fans. Snaps out of it just in time to realize he struck out.
- Jason Kubel is replaced by Jason Repko, for some ungodly reason. Repko strikes out. Announcers remark on his “amazing speed” as he walks back to the dugout.
- Jim Thome walks. Ben Revere brought in to pinch run, since Thome’s age and size make it impossible for him to reach first base in less than two days.
- Michael Cuddyer waits patiently to be walked. Strikes out instead.

Bottom 6th
- Delmon Young forgets which way to face in batter’s box. Ends up backwards, hits umpire with bat when he swings. Called out and ejected from the game.
- Danny Valencia somehow manages to hit into double play, despite there being no runners on base.

Bottom 7th
- Denard Span walks. Instead of heading to first, tells umpire to “just count the next out as a double play” and heads back to dugout.
- Alexi Casilla refuses to bat again until the Twins bring his friend Carlos Gomez back, is replaced by Trevor Plouffe, who grounds out. Umpire counts it as a double play. Span tips hat to umpire from dugout.
- Drew Butera comes to bat. Opposing pitcher feels sorry for him, pitches to him underhand. He still strikes out.

Bottom 8th
- Luke Hughes is replaced by Rene Tosoni. Umpire refuses to let him bat, claiming he’s never heard of him. Counted as an out.
- Jason Repko is hit by pitch. Crowd erupts into deafening applause.
- Ben Revere hits into double play. Grabs his suitcase from the locker room and prepares to be sent back to the minors again.

Bottom 9th
- Michael Cuddyer demands to know why he still has to play when all the other starters have been removed and get to chat on Facebook in the locker room. Protests by refusing to swing. Strikes out.
- Since he was ejected, Delmon Young is replaced by Tsuyoshi Nishioka, who still has two broken legs. Nishioka cries out in pain as Gardenhire drags him to the batter’s box. Nishioka curses America as he strikes out.
- Danny Valencia is due at bat, but has already retired to the locker room. Umpire calls the game, says “Fuck it, you guys suck this year.”

Postgame
- Manager Ron Gardenhire is presented with his “Manager of the year” award from last year. Twins fans pelt him with batteries.

Pitching Statistics
Brian Duensing: 3IP, 7 earned runs, 15 hits, 12 walks, 0 strikeouts.
Kevin Slowey: 1IP, 7 earned runs, 15 hits, 12 walks, 0 strikeouts.
Glen Perkins: 1 IP, 4 earned runs, 6 hits, 57 walks, 0 strikeouts.
Alex Burnett: 0.1 IP, 7 earned runs, 9 hits, 4 walks, 0 strikeouts.
Jose Mijares: 2.2 IP, 1 earned run, 2 hits, 0 walks, 1 strikeout.
Joe Nathan: 1 IP, 43 earned runs, 146 hits, 43 walks, 0 strikeouts.

That’s why any stray cat applying for the job must have one of the following ailments: Missing leg, chewed off ear, missing eyeball with spooky empty socket, or bouts of rage that require the cat to be kept away from women and children at all times. If possible, I would like all these features in one cat.

Third requirement: The cat must patrol my neighborhood daily, attacking my enemies. Current enemies include a hobo who wanders around the neighborhood on weekday mornings yelling things about Jews, and a duck that nipped at me when I tried to pet it.

You may be saying to yourself, “Paul, there are no ducks in Los Angeles.” Well, guess what, cat? Not only are you wrong, but you just failed the goddamn test. Pack up your meows and go home.

Fourthly, the cat must vaguely resemble me. Not so much that people mistake the cat for me and tell it juicy gossip that only I should hear, but enough where if the cat runs away, I can just hang up flyers with a photo of myself and the description, “Like this, but a cat.”

Fifthly, the cat must enjoy baked beans. Tins of baked beans are only 49 cents at my local supermarket. Potential cats should also like cold baked beans, because I’m too lazy to heat them up. Also, the cat should know how to open the tin, so I don’t have to do it. Also, the cat should learn how to steal tins of beans from the supermarket, so I don’t have to buy them.

Sixthly, the cat must shut the hell up when I’m watching reruns of “Mister Ed” at 3:30am. “Mister Ed” was filmed in the 1950s, and sound editing then wasn’t as good as it is now, so sometimes I find it difficult to understand the horse.

Seventhly, the cat must not poop on air mattresses. When I was in grade school, my friend had a cat, and for some odd reason it would always poop on the air mattress in his basement. I don’t own an air mattress, but I do own a regular mattress, and if anyone’s going to poop on it, it’s going to be some drunk girl I bring home from the bars, not some stupid cat that looks like me.

That joke is actually based on a true story. A friend of mine brought home some drunk girl from a dance club and she wet his bed in her sleep. I’ll save the longer version of the story for the memoir I publish after my record-setting third term as President of the United States.

Eighthly, the cat must not touch my ketchup in the fridge. I bought that ketchup for me, and I’ve labeled it “Paul’s ketchup.” You can use anything else of mine in the fridge, cat, but leave my special high-end ketchup alone. It was very expensive and I don’t want anyone else to use it.

Ninthly, the cat’s half of the rent is due the first of the month. I can spot you every so often, but let’s not make a habit of it.

Tenthly, the cat must know how to number items properly in a newspaper column, because I don’t think “tenthly” is an actual word.

Once I find a stray cat that qualifies, I will gladly welcome it into my home. In return for putting up with my strict standards, I will occasionally feed the cat and maybe give it a dish of water if I remember. Also, when my parents come to visit, I will allow it to jump on my dad’s lap and sit there for an unreasonably long amount of time until he awkwardly clears his throat to show that he’s uncomfortable. So basically the same privileges I allow girlfriends.