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Archives: Jun 2011

Some unsuspecting lady agreed to marry my brother

My brother is getting married next week. This is good. He’s been a bum for far too long: Sleeping in gutters and smoking heroin through his butt. Drinking out of the toilet because he’s too hungover to stand up and reach the sink. Killing deer with no intention of ever making them into venison jerky. Sometimes in the morning, he turns off his clock radio by vomiting on it so hard that it malfunctions. So getting married is a good thing for him. He now has someone else with which to share these precious moments.

Can you smoke heroin? And if so, can you smoke it through your butt? Can you smoke anything through your butt? I’m not a smoker, so I don’t know. I’m just a simple boy from the suburbs. The D.A.R.E. program in my grade school didn’t specifically address butt smoking. Someone please write a letter to the Reader Weekly – or better yet, the Duluth News-Tribune – and discuss these theories at length. A five-to-ten page letter, hand-written in crayon, ought to work nicely.

I would say I’m excited to attend my brother’s wedding, but 99 percent of the people there will either be related to me or soon be related to me, so there’s really no chance of getting laid. This is in contrast to my brother, who is the one person at the event guaranteed to get laid, and for that, I salute him. Enjoy it while it lasts, my friend. After a year or two, your sex life will be limited to anniversaries, birthdays, and times when you bring her to a Johnny Depp movie. And in the third option, she will make you talk like a pirate, then stop halfway through because you can’t do the voice properly.

What will change when the Minnesota government shuts down?

– Unemployment checks, which come from federal funding, will continue. However, American dollars will no longer be useful in the Twin Ports. Within two weeks of the shutdown, the area will have switched over to the new anarchy currency: Coins made from squirrel meat.

– Ghosts will overtake all government buildings. The ones in the Twin Cities will be scary and intimidating, because they’re ghosts of people who were murdered. The ones in the Twin Ports will just bore you endlessly with long-winded stories, because they’re ghosts of elderly small town people who couldn’t’ get anyone to listen to their boring stories when they were alive.

– Donny Ness will go door-to-door asking people if he can be mayor of their house.

– Since the Reader Weekly isn’t owned by the government, columnist Paul Ryan’s wages will remain untouched at $0 per column.

Ramblings bi-weekly pledge drive

Hello readers, and welcome to the PCR pledge drive. It’s like an NPR pledge drive, but for Paul Christopher Ryan. Every two weeks, we run out of funding and whine obnoxiously until everyone who likes us is miserable, including ourselves. Our last pledge drive lasted five days. That column was 780,000 words long.

This time around, we’re doing a mini pledge drive of only 850 words. We won’t write a single new penis joke or clever farting synonym until you pledge money! Unlike NPR, which uses its pledge money to buy antique armoires for Ira Glass’ recording booth, ours is used to buy vitamins and penicillin, things Paul desperately needs.

You’ve been freeloading for years, reader, and it’s time for you to give back. Paul has given you a different euphemism for “boobs” every week for over nine years, so it’s only right that you donate $5 so he can have his leg amputated after years of ignoring his type 2 diabetes. After all he’s given you, don’t you think Paul deserves nice things? Like a sandwich with real meat in it, instead of the dead spiders he usually smears between two pieces of bread for his lunch?

Minnesota spelling bee contestants disowned by families after loss

A few Minnesota eighth-graders thought they were hot shit, but instead got their asses handed to them in Thursday’s National Spelling Bee Semi-finals in Washington, D.C. Returning home, the failed spellers were pelted with rocks and spit upon by angry local residents.

Mandy Papenridge, 14, from Valley View Middle School in Edina, totally assed up the word “weltschmerz.” She spelled it “weldschmerz,” which is a correct spelling only if you’re a total fucking idiot. The word means “mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state.” This is fitting for Papenridge, whose embarrassing failure will likely cause her to be depressed and mediocre for the rest of her life. And rightly so.

“I tried my best,” said Papenridge, oddly cheery about her incompetence. “And I had fun! That’s the most important part.”

“Bullshit,” said Marvin Papenridge, her father. “This isn’t the Special Olympics. You win or you get the hose again. She’s in for a whooping when we get home.”