Recent polls show Duluth Mayor Donny Ness has an approval rating of 86 percent. The beloved mayor – who is adorable like a baby deer but also not afraid to “punch some dicks”, as he likes to say – has never been more popular. The year 2011 appears to be Mayor Ness’ “Casablanca”, but with far fewer Claude Rains nude scenes.
Mayor Ness’ popularity is in stark contrast to Reader Weekly columnist Paul Ryan, whose approval rating remains at a masturbatory four percent, with a margin of error of four percent. This is not in comparison to Ness. It was a separate poll in which Twin Ports residents, when given a choice between Paul Ryan or a rabid case of mono, overwhelmingly chose to be infected with the disease.
One poll responder said, “At least mono goes away after a month. Paul Ryan is so poor, he’d probably stay in your house forever, eating all your Sun Chips.”
Mayor Ness and Mr. Ryan’s situations are both mind-boggling. Mayor Ness has managed to become popular despite never once tweeting photos of his dong, while Mr. Ryan is hated by all despite tweeting pictures of his dong nearly every day. Mr. Ryan has 135 followers on Twitter, with roughly 130 of those accounts being spam bots and the other five being friends and family who never actually bother to read what he posts.
There are many theories as to why Mr. Ryan is so vastly unpopular. He currently has no job and no functional skills. His car was recently totaled in an accident, forcing him to pretend he cares about the environment so people who know he rides the bus won’t think he’s a loser. He has no girlfriend and is perpetually single, despite his liberal use of Gillette shaving cream that makes him smell icy cool and rugged, like the side of a mountain. Last week he found a dead kitten in the road, and texted close-up photos of it to his six-year-old niece.
Mayor Ness, on the other hand, is one of the most popular mayors in Duluth history. His car is shiny and pretty, and his horn is customized to sound like a unicorn saying “Thank you.” Mayor Ness is married and has three wonderful, well-adjusted children, each of them fluent in 12 languages. Last week he found a dead kitten in the road and magically brought it back to life by singing a Bryan Adams song to it.
Mr. Ryan has nearly $8,000 in credit card debt. Last week a bank teller talked him into signing up for a savings account, but then looked at his checking account balance and said, “Oh, never mind.” Mr. Ryan often becomes irritable when bears are brought up in conversation. When meeting people for the first time, Mr. Ryan will usually ask if they like game shows. If they say yes, he will offer various suggestions on how they might kill themselves.
Mayor Ness, in contrast, has $80 million in his savings account, nearly 90 percent of which he donates annually to mentally retarded children. His clothes are made of the highest quality cotton, hand-picked in a field behind his home by children whose lives he’s saved with his mayoral policies. Mayor Ness’ hands are soft yet masculine, and his breath smells like that Acqua Di Gio cologne everyone liked in the 1990s. He does not fart or poop, ever.
The one bright spot for Mr. Ryan is that four percent is actually an all-time high for his popularity. Last year he was at zero percent because the poll was taken the same week he published a column saying all children should be zipped up in bags of luggage when taken out of the house. This year, Mr. Ryan’s popularity was initially measured at 12 percent, but it was later found that his results were accidentally switched with baby murderer Casey Anthony. Once corrected, his popularity dipped back down to four percent.
Mr. Ryan has not announced whether he’ll enter the 2011 Duluth mayoral race, but the deadline already having passed is not a deterrent. Mr. Ryan is continually late for everything, and currently holds the record for most consecutive Reader Weekly columns turned in more than 72 hours after deadline, with 520. Even though writers e-mail their columns to the newspaper, Mr. Ryan’s are still often stained with whiskey, some to the point where certain sentences are illegible.
When asked whether Ryan would be a threat politically, Mayor Ness’ campaign manager, Carlton Fiskerton, covered his mouth with his hand and attempted to play off his laughter as a sneeze.
“I think Paul Ryan is a formidable opponent,” said Fiskerson, holding back tears of laughter. “He’s . . . he has that appeal, that stuff . . . I’m sorry (snickers) . . . the right stuff. He’s got the right stuff. Like Top Gun. He’s . . . he’s like Kelly McGillis from Top Gun (cackles softly, under his breath). I can assure you, we’re all very, very concerned here.”
Fiskerton added, “Has he moved out of his parents’ basement yet? Do they have cable down there? Maybe he can . . . (snorts) . . . maybe if he invites everyone in town over to watch Entourage and his mom doesn’t creep them out too much, they’ll vote for him (explodes into a fit of laughter).”