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Archives: Jul 2011

Local columnist’s approval rating: Four percent

Recent polls show Duluth Mayor Donny Ness has an approval rating of 86 percent. The beloved mayor – who is adorable like a baby deer but also not afraid to “punch some dicks”, as he likes to say – has never been more popular. The year 2011 appears to be Mayor Ness’ “Casablanca”, but with far fewer Claude Rains nude scenes.

Mayor Ness’ popularity is in stark contrast to Reader Weekly columnist Paul Ryan, whose approval rating remains at a masturbatory four percent, with a margin of error of four percent. This is not in comparison to Ness. It was a separate poll in which Twin Ports residents, when given a choice between Paul Ryan or a rabid case of mono, overwhelmingly chose to be infected with the disease.

One poll responder said, “At least mono goes away after a month. Paul Ryan is so poor, he’d probably stay in your house forever, eating all your Sun Chips.”

Comic Con! Catch the fever!

I’ll be attending Comic Con 2012 this week. There are hundreds of excellent panel discussions for fans to attend, ranging from studios presenting new movies to Star Wars model building classes to discussions of Battlestar Galactica costume design. With so many panels each year, sometimes the topics get a bit thin and fans are left disappointed. To help you avoid that, here is a list of the deep and intriguing panels I’ll be attending:

Oh, Woman! Wonder Dicks
How many dicks can Wonder Woman fit in her mouth at once? The world’s leading experts on comic book fellatio discuss the issue at length. Many factors will be considered: How big are the dicks? Are they stationary or moving? Can she use her lasso to compress them into an easier to handle girth? Special guest panelist Nathan Fillion from the TV show “Firefly”.

Showering and Deodorant: Episode IV – A New Hope
Part four of our twelve part series on why smelling like a dog’s penis may not be helpful to an introvert, and how literally ten measly minutes of freshening time each morning can bring you jobs, friends, women, and your first sexual experience in 40 years. A free bottle of Febreze is given to each audience member.

Someone please catch this thief

Customer Service: Wells Fargo, how may I help you?

Paul: Yeah, someone used my account to withdraw $300 from an ATM in Willowbrook, California. That wasn’t me. I’m calling to report the charge as unauthorized.

Customer Service: Are you sure it wasn’t you?

Paul: Yes, I’m sure.

Customer Service: It might have been you.

Paul: Well, for one thing, my account never has more than $12 in it, so I highly doubt I’d withdraw the daily ATM maximum of $300. Also, Willowbrook is a neighborhood nestled between Watts and Compton in South Central Los Angeles, and I couldn’t physically make it to an ATM there without being shot in the face and balls first.

Customer Service: There’s no reason to be crass, sir.

Paul: It’s not crass, it’s science. They will literally shoot you in the face and the balls. And then once you’re dead, they’ll go potty on you.

Man arrested for lewd conduct at pool

Humor columnist Paul Ryan was arrested at a public pool yesterday for lewd and inappropriate conduct. Mr. Ryan was using the pool to bathe 16 feral cats. The angry and frightened cats injured 49 swimmers, four lifeguards, and two police officers.

The collars of the cats were connected together with wooden planks, four per row in a square pattern, creating a tightly formed infantry of cats. After emptying a gallon of specialty cat shampoo into the pool, Mr. Ryan lowered all the cats into the water simultaneously. The terrified felines scratched and bit anyone within reaching distance.

“I was just minding my own business, pretending to swim when I was really urinating, and all of a sudden I look up and see this bizarre contraption full of one-eyed and three-legged cats being lowered onto me,” said Thomas Pontoon III, a victim of the unauthorized cat bathing. “Since the cats near me were all missing at least one or two legs, I was able to avoid being scratched, but they just bit my face instead. Four cats bit me in the face at once. It was horrible. Sexy, but horrible.”