Alfred Loves Dongs?
A serious but vigorous discussion of whether Alfred, Bruce Wayne’s loyal butler, was gay and if so, whether sidekick Robin ever hit that. Special guest Michael Caine, who is unaware of the topic and thinks he’s officiating a wet t-shirt contest at San Diego State University.

Superhero Kama Sutra
A Comic Con favorite: Our annual hypothetical discussion of superhero sexual positions, with detailed instructions and architectural drawings. One lucky overweight attendee will be allowed to attempt Jabba the Hut’s “Crush n’ Fuck” position with an underpaid booth girl who will refuse to ever work this venue again.

Morgan Webb Pretends You’re Not Staring at Her Tits
Video game expert and X-Play host Morgan Webb stands at a podium and talks about God knows what, pretending that people are listening to her and not just imagining her naked and blowing them. Pants required for attendees. No shorts.

Standard Newbie Seminar
A 10-minute public service announcement, required of all first year attendees before entrance, to inform new people that cosplay is just dressing up as a character, and does not necessarily imply sex. If someone approaches you and asks about cosplay, do not punch them in the face. They are not soliciting you. Furries, those people who dress up like bears and cartoon characters and then bang each other – is probably what you were thinking of.

“The New Girl” Pilot Screening
Does anyone want to watch our studio’s awful pilot? Please? Anyone? We’ll give away free t-shirts and stuff! We desperately need you! Please, we spent $10 million dollars on this piece of crap! It’s not funny! It’s a terrible show, but please pack our screening room so executives will keep it on the air for more than one episode! We paid $2 million alone for Zooey Deschanel! Help us out this one time and we promise we’ll make good shows in the future!

Is Sexism in Comics a Problem?
Do the unrealistic female body types prevalent in comics constitute sexism, or does every female character having huge tits, pointy nipples and immaculate buttocks have a philosophical or intellectual meaning below the surface? This panel has been canceled because it’s stupid. Everyone already knows that people who collect comics – or anyone who does anything, really – just love huge tits.

Making Money Through Repetition
Artist Frank Kozik discusses how reusing the same design over and over again, just on different sculpts or mediums, is an easy way to make money without having to do any actual work. He’ll walk you through the steps of turning your own boring, predictable, uninspired pop culture ripoffs into a cash grab.

TV Guide Magazine Showcase
TV Guide has no business being at Comic Con, seeing how they’re basically a celebrity gossip magazine for old people. What they’re presenting has nothing to do with comics or any subgenre of the fandom people come here for, but they show up every year anyway because large corporations can get away with anything and the organizers of Comic Con love money.

An Evening With Kevin Smith
He’s not really doing anything anymore, since every movie he’s made since Clerks has flopped. But people are used to seeing Kevin Smith talk at Comic Con, and it’s really the only thing he’s good at anymore, so he’ll be back again this year, telling jokes about how fat he is and forcing himself to laugh when people in the audience point out that “Cop Out” was a huge piece of crap.

Mythbusters Panel
Don’t even bother trying to get in. People will start lining up at 6am for this, and you’re far too reasonable of a person to sit around for 14 hours peeing into empty water bottles so fat kids with a chip on their shoulder don’t shout you down when you return to your spot in line after using the restroom. Just remember: All these panels are just people sitting at a table and talking. They might be interesting, but you’ll probably still have more fun freak watching in the foyers.

Other patrons escaped harm but suffered deep psychological scars.

“I was pooped on by a cat on a stick!” said pool enthusiast Aaron Flottum, clearly still in shock from the incident. “I fought off their scratching and clawing by punching them, but when the guy raised the cats out of the water, three of them pooped on me. My wife can’t even look at me anymore. Every time she looks at me, all she sees is me covered in cat poo. She might divorce me.”

Oddly, the cats do not belong to Mr. Ryan. He merely enjoys bathing feral cats. Mr. Ryan’s Facebook profile even lists this hobby under the “Activities and Interests” section. Mr. Ryan also despises public pools and the people who visit them, which is why he enjoys filling pools with cat shampoo and forcing angry, three-legged cyclops cats on top of crowds of swimming children.

Lifeguards tried to subdue Mr. Ryan, but he quickly raised the cats out of the water and used them as a wall to shield himself from harm. The lifeguards gave up after realizing their $6 per hour salary wasn’t worth the trouble. Police were called to the scene, and were forced to use a taser on Mr. Ryan and all 16 of the cats. They also tasered a small child, just for fun.

“It was fun, I had a good time,” said Officer Ken Davis.

Police originally arrested Mr. Ryan for bathing feral cats, but since that violation isn’t technically listed under the “Pool Rules” that are colorfully painted on the walls of the locker rooms, police instead just arrested Ryan for being nude while bathing the cats.

One swimmer – who was rushed to the hospital for deep scratches on his face that will never fully heal – said seeing Mr. Ryan in the nude caused far more scarring than what the cats did to his face. Experts in human sexuality point out that the sight of any man naked, even a fit one, is still horrifying to behold.

“That’s why everyone liked ‘Porky’s', but nobody went to see that movie where Kevin Bacon shows his wiener,” said Dr. Marcy Bron, a very important scientist. “The only place a naked man belongs is in a very dark room.”

Reporters tried to interview Mr. Ryan at the scene, but he was mostly unresponsive. When asked a question, he would mumble jibberish and attempt to bathe the reporter. If a reporter pulled away, Mr. Ryan would grab them by the hair and shout, “Hold still, goddamn cat!”

Mr. Ryan will serve eight hours of community service for “blatant man nudity”. He’ll also be on probation for six months, where he’ll be required to wear an ankle bracelet that sounds an alarm anytime he’s holding a cat near a public pool. The ankle monitor still allows him to visit public pools, but only for the standard reasons of swimming or urinating.

This isn’t the first mediocre celebrity arrested for such an offense. Rene Tosoni, an outfielder for the Minnesota Twins, was also arrested for bathing feral cats last year. Other celebrities arrested for the same charge include Katherine Hepburn, Taylor Swift, Tom Hanks, and former First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy.

J.J. Abrams is producing a $470 million movie based on the events of the day. It will be released later this year under the title, “Cats! Holy Shit, Cats!” Justin Bieber has signed on to play the part of Paul Ryan, with Mila Kunis as his love interest. It will be the first full-frontal nude scene of Kunis’ career.

“I’ll go see that,” said Dr. Bron. “I’ve been waiting to see that for quite some time.”

It’s unknown whether Mr. Ryan plans to see the film based on his accomplishments.

“Blargh! Cats!” said Mr. Ryan while pulling off his jeans outside the courtroom. “Arrrr! Bathe them! Poooooooooofa! Cats are nature’s chocolate!”