- Beware of the haunted house! It’s extra scary this year! Due to budget cuts, all workers paid to act as ghosts and monsters have been replaced with convicted sex offenders who graciously agreed to work for free.
– Once again we remind fairgoers that the “All you can drink” milk booth should not be used to fuel a vomiting competition. We will cut you off after a half gallon of milk, and if you get other people to buy you more, causing you to barf all over our stand, you will be put in the dairy tank, which is a drunk tank for people who can’t handle their milk.
– Attention couples or slutty singles: You cannot fuck on the giant slide. The idea itself is preposterous. First off, the whole ride lasts maybe five seconds, so we’re not sure what you’re really going to get out of it. Secondly, the dips are really big and sudden, and you run a great risk of fracturing something delicate, be it pelvis or penis. If we see any couples riding the slide doggy style or pausing an unusually long time at the bottom while pumping and thrusting motions occur under the blanket, security will put the couple in the dairy tank where you may be vomited on by milkaholics. Also, if we catch anyone joining the “Mile Slide Club” by themselves, you will be hurled onto the stock car racing track in the middle of a race.
– For the last damn time, no, the $61 price for Def Leppard tickets is not a joke. Please stop asking. If you don’t like their prices, then come to the amateur talent contest, which is free and includes 40-year-old stoned guys trying to play Jethro Tull songs on a broken acoustic guitar, tearful 14-year-olds being forced by their parents to showcase their undeveloped skills to a huge crowd, and a very old man attempting to play a cello with his penis, but failing because it’s windy and the chilly breeze makes him limp.
– The “Moo Sample Station” is a place to eat burgers and drink milk. There are not any actual moos to sample. If you’d like to record a cow mooing and then remix it into a sexy dance hit, try the “Uggggh, Milk It Reaaaaaal Good” tent.
– Anyone who attempts to poop from the gondolas will be banned for life. There were 114 separate incidents of this last year, and thus we have done away with our usual “three strike rule” for this problem.
– “Royal Sil-O-Ets Cloggers” is not a cutesy name for restrooms, even though it should be. Likewise, “The Log Ride” may seem like a restroom with a tremendously long line, but it’s actually just a fun rafting ride.
– The “Arabian/Half-Arabian” contest is for horses, not people. Please stop submitting applications for half-Arabian people.
– Merry-go-rounds are not a joke! Don’t disrespect them! Those pretend horses move fast, and nearly 700 children are decapitated every year at the fair because their stupid, selfish parents never taught them to respect electronic horses that have neither souls nor gods to punish them.
– Midway tickets are $20 for a sheet of 28 tickets, $30 for a sheet of 44 tickets, or unlimited tickets for free if you’re flirty and the ticket seller is lonely.
– Note: The ticket seller is always lonely.
– Military Appreciation Day is for the United States military. Please don’t loudly shout the lyrics to the Turkish National Anthem over our native one.
– The “Doggies of the Wild West” show takes dogs rescued from animal shelters and forces them to parade around in old-timey outfits for people’s amusement, which is uncomfortably similar to massage parlors in San Francisco that buy Asian slave girls from Korea.
– If you’re only walking through the “International Bazaar” section of the fair in hopes of hitting on exotic women, that’s actually not a terrible idea.
– Warning: Please do not attend the Tapes ‘n Tapes concert at the fair. Fair concert bookings are supposed to be reserved only for aging, outdated bands that even your parents would groan at the thought of seeing. We’re not sure how Tapes ‘n Tapes got in there. It’s an error that threatens to destroy the entire structure of the fair and suck us all into a black hole.
– Groupies who would like to sleep with Garrison Keillor are not allowed to complain when he tells jokes about corn and jug bands throughout intercourse.
– We know it’s tempting to try and impress the girl you’re with by winning her a huge stuffed animal, but after the initial flattery wears off, she’s going to be pretty pissed about having to carry that thing around for the rest of the day. Instead, win her the bear, sell it to someone else at the fair and give her the cash.
– Stop forcing your kids to look at tractors. We know you think it’s educational or something, but it’s just a bunch of bullshit we parked on one side of the fairgrounds to keep the place from looking empty.