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Archives: Aug 2011

Official Minnesota State Fair Guide

- Beware of the haunted house! It’s extra scary this year! Due to budget cuts, all workers paid to act as ghosts and monsters have been replaced with convicted sex offenders who graciously agreed to work for free.

– Once again we remind fairgoers that the “All you can drink” milk booth should not be used to fuel a vomiting competition. We will cut you off after a half gallon of milk, and if you get other people to buy you more, causing you to barf all over our stand, you will be put in the dairy tank, which is a drunk tank for people who can’t handle their milk.

– Attention couples or slutty singles: You cannot fuck on the giant slide. The idea itself is preposterous. First off, the whole ride lasts maybe five seconds, so we’re not sure what you’re really going to get out of it. Secondly, the dips are really big and sudden, and you run a great risk of fracturing something delicate, be it pelvis or penis. If we see any couples riding the slide doggy style or pausing an unusually long time at the bottom while pumping and thrusting motions occur under the blanket, security will put the couple in the dairy tank where you may be vomited on by milkaholics. Also, if we catch anyone joining the “Mile Slide Club” by themselves, you will be hurled onto the stock car racing track in the middle of a race.

St. Scholastica to award honorary doctorate to celebrity

Reader Weekly columnist Paul Ryan will be awarded an honorary doctorate from the College of St. Scholastica on Saturday, August 27. Larry Goodwin, president of the university, is proud to have personally made the decision.

“Paul Ryan only spent four years in the Twin Ports before leaving because of boredom,” said President Goodwin, “and only visited the Scholastica campus once for a poetry reading, where he heckled a 13-year-old girl whom he felt was ripping off E.E. Cummings, but he’s funny and the certificate doesn’t really cost us anything, so who cares?”

“Also,” said President Goodwin, “Paul told me he had cancer, and though it has since come to light that he does not, I’m too embarrassed to backtrack.”

Mr. Ryan will be awarded a Transitional Doctorate of Handsomeness. This is a degree designed to help moderately handsome people achieve degree parity with actual handsome people. Mr. Ryan already holds a bachelor’s degree in nude photography from the University of Wisconsin-Superior.

I’m bored. Let’s buy a medical marijuana prescription

I’m not much of a pothead. I’ve smoked socially over the years, but I can’t remember the last time I bought or had weed in my apartment. Alcohol has always been easier and more my style. However, California is one of the growing number of states offering medical marijuana prescriptions, and I’m a man of experiences. I love to do interesting things just to see what they’re like.

Also, it was a Saturday and I was bored.

The idea of going to some shady medical marijuana clinic to be questioned by a disbarred gynecologist was just too amazing of an experience to pass up, so I called up a clinic in North Hollywood named, conveniently, “Marijuana Doctor”. Apparently, they don’ t need to be very creative to get customers.

I was also greatly amused to find that, like all other clinics I’d called, they answered the phone, “Hello, doctor’s office.” I’d then ask which doctor’s office and they’d say, “This one. This is a doctor’s office. Can I help you?”

Crappy mural made by untalented children averted

A neighborhood mural painted by adorable local children has been put on hold because it looks like total shit. Neighbors have complained that the collective art piece will lower their property values and cause mass rapings and drug smokings across the area.

Fortunately, the City of Duluth has hired an expert, Dan Artz, to decide whether the piece qualifies as artwork. Expert Dan doesn’t have any experience with or knowledge of art, but says that similar to Communists and pornography, he knows great art when he sees it.

“Yep. Yepppp, that’s a huge piece of shit all right,” said Expert Dan, inspecting the children’s mural. “I don’t like it. It’s got . . . lines, I don’t like those kind of lines. I’m not racist, but it looks like some black people snuck in here at night and spray painted a bunch of urban graffiti voodoo stuff.

I’d like some of that sweet ’40 Beads’ action

“40 Beads” is the title of a new book by some lady. I don’t remember her name, and I won’t research it on the internet unless she pays me for my trouble. Anyway, the idea of “40 Beads” is a wife puts a bowl by the bed and gives her husband beads. Whenever he wants to have sex, he drops a bead in the bowl and the wife has 24 hours to make it happen. It allows the wife time to prepare herself so she’s not rushed into it like women normally are, and it gives the man the thrill of anticipation, wondering when she’ll bone him.

Or be boned by him. Whatever. Maybe she’s a tranny. Get off my back.

There are a few problems with the “40 Beads” method. Problem number one is I don’t have a wife or girlfriend, so I immediately hate this idea because I’m excluded. To hell with all of you. The second problem is most men, when given the beads, would immediately drop three of them into the bowl and take the next day off from work. I’d take it one step further by dropping all the beads into the bowl and scheduling a hearse to take my smiling, happy corpse to my grave.