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Archives: Sep 2011

Facebook annoyances planned for 2012

1. Your newsfeed will now ignore updates from your friends completely, and just focus on things your friends “liked”. Since 95 percent of the “likes” people give on Facebook are just them being nice, it will be nothing but photos of strangers’ babies, updates about strangers running a 5k, or inside jokes you don’t get because your friends’ friends are complete strangers. Oh wait, this change already happened. Sorry about that. Let’s move on to the new new stuff.

2. Spotify, iTunes, Windows Media Player, VLC, Quicktime, DivX, RealPlayer, MPlayer, GOM Player, KMPlayer, Winamp, and Flash and HTML5 for browsers are now all stealthily connected to Facebook. Every song you listen to or video you watch will be forcibly posted on your profile for all your friends to view. This feature cannot be turned off. After all, if you don’t want to be completely open and share everything, why are you on Facebook? Some users might be upset to have friends learn about their secret love for Justin Bieber or “Disney Shake It Up: Break It Down”, but that fear will soon take a back seat when they realize their friends are also seeing that tranny midget porn video they watched when their wife left the house to go grocery shopping.

I attended a police auction

Auctioneer: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to our weekly police auction for cars that were mysteriously abandoned in the ghetto or used to transport dead hookers. I’m Carlos, your auctioneer. I want to thank you all for coming out today. If you walked the entire mile from the subway station without getting stabbed, robbed, beaten, teabagged by unsupervised children or gang raped by one of the seven Puerto Rican gangs that infest this particular neighborhood, then congratulations! Whether you bid on a car or not, you’ve already won. That is, until you leave, when a twitchy man with a shiv will force you into his car in broad daylight.

Someone from the crowd shoots at the auctioneer platform. The bullet strikes the auctioneer in the shoulder blade.

Auctioneer: Damn it! I guess everyone wants to get started then. Our first car is a 1988 Mazda GLX. Once our technician starts up the car, proving it runs, we’ll begin the bidding at $200.

Reasons not to date Paul Ryan

A new school year has begun, and for the tenth straight year, the state of Minnesota is publishing this warning to ladies – students or otherwise – regarding notorious loafer and deadbeat Paul Ryan. If the forthcoming reasons aren’t heeded, innocent ladies may find themselves dating columnist Paul Ryan. His idiocy really knows no bounds, so every lady has to be careful, no matter their age, orientation or level of attractiveness.

1. He’s a 32-year-old temp. Run away, you idiot! If he works really hard, someday he could be hired full-time as a 32-year-old male secretary! Granted, he works at a film studio in Los Angeles, but don’t let that impress you. His apartment is surrounded by feral cats, and every morning a hobo walks past his window shouting about Jews. Find a more promising “project”, ladies.

2. He looks very vanilla. On the outside, Paul looks rather bland and tame. But on the inside, Paul’s actually a very exciting and intriguing . . . well no, he’s still a retard on the inside. You deserve better than that, attractive ladies. It’s best to pass off guys who look non-threatening to your obese friends. Go date a guy who works the register at The Buckle and lists it on his resume as “model”.

Faking your own death is the new black

Minkles Moonvee. That’s my new name. Don’t call me Paul Ryan anymore. I won’t respond to it. My debts are large enough where I can no longer afford to be Paul Ryan. The only way out now is to fake my own death and become a new person.

You’re probably wondering why I chose the name Minkles Moonvee. I find it odd that such a question even needs to be asked. The name is sexy. Really sexy. When someone tells you Minkles Moonvee is coming to town, you don’t know if it’s a man, a woman, or some kind of weird anime tentacle thing from Japan that has six penises and forty boobs. All you know is whatever it is, you want it to be on you.

The name Paul Ryan, on the other hand, does not provoke that reaction. It makes people think of a conservative Wisconsin politician whose main hobby is fiscal policy. Nobody wants to be on that. Even his wife doesn’t want to be on that. She pretends he’s country singer Kenny Rogers when they have sex. A non-bearded Kenny Rogers that always says, “Uggggh, there we go” after climaxing. Always. Every time. It’s like he doesn’t even realize he does it.

Columnist Paul Ryan doesn’t say that. He says, “Uggggh, that’s how you make pudding.”