1. Your newsfeed will now ignore updates from your friends completely, and just focus on things your friends “liked”. Since 95 percent of the “likes” people give on Facebook are just them being nice, it will be nothing but photos of strangers’ babies, updates about strangers running a 5k, or inside jokes you don’t get because your friends’ friends are complete strangers. Oh wait, this change already happened. Sorry about that. Let’s move on to the new new stuff.
2. Spotify, iTunes, Windows Media Player, VLC, Quicktime, DivX, RealPlayer, MPlayer, GOM Player, KMPlayer, Winamp, and Flash and HTML5 for browsers are now all stealthily connected to Facebook. Every song you listen to or video you watch will be forcibly posted on your profile for all your friends to view. This feature cannot be turned off. After all, if you don’t want to be completely open and share everything, why are you on Facebook? Some users might be upset to have friends learn about their secret love for Justin Bieber or “Disney Shake It Up: Break It Down”, but that fear will soon take a back seat when they realize their friends are also seeing that tranny midget porn video they watched when their wife left the house to go grocery shopping.
3. Security is of the upmost importance for users. From now on, anyone logging into Facebook will be required to use our external authorization system. For men, this involves a $49.99 computer accessory that looks similar to a pencil sharpener. Whenever you want to access your account, insert your penis and the automated system will scan it and match your wrinkles and veins to our worldwide database. Since penises are like snowflakes, the only way hackers will be able to get in is by making a plaster cast of your manhood, like James Polk used to do for posterity each year that he was president.
For women, the authorization system requires an accessory of similar nature that we like to call a “Thunderstick”. It will vibrate to alert you that it’s collecting data. We advise both male and female users to thoroughly clean Facebook accessories before use, especially with ones used with public computers at a library, Starbucks, or a computer shared by their family.
For female users uncomfortable with the Thunderstick, they can also take a photo of their breasts with a webcam, submit it to Facebook’s secure servers, and verify themselves through their webcam every time they want to login. Remember to click on Options -> Privacy -> Photos -> Login -> Photos -> Webcam -> Photos -> Authentiboobs and uncheck 40 checkboxes if you don’t want these photos of your breasts used in advertisements displayed to your peers.
4. The blue Facebook theme you’ve grown familiar with will soon be replaced with advertising skins. One day, your profile will be covered in advertisements for “A Dolphin’s Tale”, with trailers and clips from the movie added to your personal video and photo collections. The next day, Bangbus.com may take over our site, replacing your profile photo of your daughter with a picture of a whore getting bukkake’d in the back of a 1996 Ford Windstar. Your status will periodically be updated through the day with “Come see photos of my toothsome gangbang on Bangbus!” If your peers click on the link, they will see adult videos with your Facebook photos imposed on the heads of the porn actresses. Please note that you graciously allowed us to use your personal photos for such purposes when you blindly agreed to our online terms without reading them.
A small, vocal minority of users may find use of their likeness in bukkake films offensive, but as millions of Facebook apologists have pointed out over the past few weeks, anyone who complains about a free service is stupid. Since Facebook doesn’t cost anything, that fully exempts it from any sort of critique or discussion of its ethics or general usefulness.
5. We will keep aggressively pushing our “Ask a Question” service, even though it’s been around for two years and not a single person has ever used it. We’d drop it and dedicate the space to something more interesting, but it’s immensely valuable to advertisers who want to know every intricate detail about people’s interests and belief system.
6. The lists on the sidebar of Facebook – grouping together family members, work associates, or people who live in your local area – will now be automatically updated to also show “People you’d like to bang” and “People who’d like to bang you”. These titles will be automatically assigned based on how often a person blows up another’s wall with comments, and how often a person jokingly makes sexual references to another.
7. You will no longer be allowed to make fan pages for ridiculous things like “Agatha Christie’s vagina”, which was really the only amusing part of this service in the first place.