3. Security is of the upmost importance for users. From now on, anyone logging into Facebook will be required to use our external authorization system. For men, this involves a $49.99 computer accessory that looks similar to a pencil sharpener. Whenever you want to access your account, insert your penis and the automated system will scan it and match your wrinkles and veins to our worldwide database. Since penises are like snowflakes, the only way hackers will be able to get in is by making a plaster cast of your manhood, like James Polk used to do for posterity each year that he was president.

For women, the authorization system requires an accessory of similar nature that we like to call a “Thunderstick”. It will vibrate to alert you that it’s collecting data. We advise both male and female users to thoroughly clean Facebook accessories before use, especially with ones used with public computers at a library, Starbucks, or a computer shared by their family.

For female users uncomfortable with the Thunderstick, they can also take a photo of their breasts with a webcam, submit it to Facebook’s secure servers, and verify themselves through their webcam every time they want to login. Remember to click on Options -> Privacy -> Photos -> Login -> Photos -> Webcam -> Photos -> Authentiboobs and uncheck 40 checkboxes if you don’t want these photos of your breasts used in advertisements displayed to your peers.

4. The blue Facebook theme you’ve grown familiar with will soon be replaced with advertising skins. One day, your profile will be covered in advertisements for “A Dolphin’s Tale”, with trailers and clips from the movie added to your personal video and photo collections. The next day, Bangbus.com may take over our site, replacing your profile photo of your daughter with a picture of a whore getting bukkake’d in the back of a 1996 Ford Windstar. Your status will periodically be updated through the day with “Come see photos of my toothsome gangbang on Bangbus!” If your peers click on the link, they will see adult videos with your Facebook photos imposed on the heads of the porn actresses. Please note that you graciously allowed us to use your personal photos for such purposes when you blindly agreed to our online terms without reading them.

A small, vocal minority of users may find use of their likeness in bukkake films offensive, but as millions of Facebook apologists have pointed out over the past few weeks, anyone who complains about a free service is stupid. Since Facebook doesn’t cost anything, that fully exempts it from any sort of critique or discussion of its ethics or general usefulness.

5. We will keep aggressively pushing our “Ask a Question” service, even though it’s been around for two years and not a single person has ever used it. We’d drop it and dedicate the space to something more interesting, but it’s immensely valuable to advertisers who want to know every intricate detail about people’s interests and belief system.

6. The lists on the sidebar of Facebook – grouping together family members, work associates, or people who live in your local area – will now be automatically updated to also show “People you’d like to bang” and “People who’d like to bang you”. These titles will be automatically assigned based on how often a person blows up another’s wall with comments, and how often a person jokingly makes sexual references to another.

7. You will no longer be allowed to make fan pages for ridiculous things like “Agatha Christie’s vagina”, which was really the only amusing part of this service in the first place.

3. He doesn’t even own a car. If you agree to date Paul, he’ll ask you to pick him up because his car is “in the shop.” If he travels to your place to watch a movie, he’ll tell you to expect him at some odd bus schedule time like 7:42pm. If you’re really pretty, after a few dates he’ll rent a car and pretend it’s his. Over time, you’ll become increasingly suspicious as to why he’s driving a different make, model and color of car every time he picks you up.

4. Warning! Paul Ryan is attracted to food! He thrives on sandwiches and unearned compliments. If you feed him either, he’ll keep coming back, expecting more each time. Scare him away by banging pots and pans together and making other loud noises. If he speaks to you, play dead until he loses interest and leaves. This may take several hours.

5. Fun fact! According to a September 2011 USA Today/CNN/Gallup poll, 94 percent of women who slept with Paul Ryan didn’t intend to. They merely mistook him for a chair and sat on his penis by accident.

6. He has diabetes. Do you want your future kids to have diabetes? What are you, some kind of monster? Just let him die alone so the disease dies with him!

7. He collects vinyl toys. At first you’ll think, “Well, at least it’s not He-Man figures and Star Wars crap,” but you’ll quickly change your opinion once you realize vinyl toys are much worse, basically consisting of cartoon characters vomiting on each other or rabbits smoking cigarettes. If you move in with him, he’ll insist on displaying these items prominently.

8. Did we mention he’s old as shit? He’s like 32! WTF LMFAO!!! He was alive when Burger King didn’t serve breakfast! LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

9. He will never, ever, ever have money. Ever. He’s a writer, for Christ’s sake. Someday he’ll maybe publish a book of humorous essays that sells 30 copies, mostly to his own relatives. He will be a jobless, penniless, yet moderately charming twat until he dies from alcoholism at the age of 42. It’ll be like dating Dylan Thomas, just without the mystery, intrigue, talent, sexy accent, or adorable curly hair. Like Thomas’ wife Caitlin, you may arrive at Paul’s deathbed and find yourself drunkenly shouting, “Is the bloody man dead yet?”

10. Fun fact! According to constellation maps graphed by Greek astronomer Poseidonius, anti-social introvert Paul Ryan is next scheduled to get laid in November of 2013.

11. He is less useful in the winter. Colder months are fast approaching, and Paul has a high metabolism and weighs almost nothing, so he can’t keep ladies warm. He has also stored only two nuts to last him the entire winter. He will, however, let you put them in your mouth if you ask nicely.

12. Fun fact! A girl Paul Ryan dated once texted him a nude photo, and after the breakup, Paul didn’t upload it to the internet or anything. He just deleted it. He feels that if there’s a heaven, this feat will earn him a VIP status of sorts. Because really, who does that? It’s pretty much unheard of these days.

13. Fun fact! Paul Ryan has never texted a photo of his genitalia, because he understands that penises are not attractive to anyone, even women. No woman in the history of time has ever seen a photo of a penis on her phone and said, “I’m glad I received that. What a thoughtful gift.”

14. Paul Ryan murders children and replaces their organs with dead squirrels. Wait, what? While it may be true that Paul does have somewhere between 75 and 100,000 squirrels in his apartment, most of them dead, there’s no crime in that. Loneliness is not a crime!

15. He’s a goddamn idiot. This one is true.