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Archives: Dec 2011

New Year’s resolutions

– I will not get drunk or high while writing columns. I will get drunk and high before writing columns.

– I will only watch porn on an airplane when I’m not in the middle seat. Also, I will use headphones, as the flight attendants on Sun Country Airlines recently recommended.

– I will get a job. A real, full-time job that doesn’t involve creatively twirling signs for open houses or Subway sandwich shops. A job where “I really like this hooker, and I’d like to buy her breakfast” is not a valid excuse for coming in an hour late. A job that will provide an actual W2 form during tax season instead of labeling me as an “independent contractor”, a title which allows the crooked City of Los Angeles to blackmail me into paying $300 each year for a “business license”. A job that provides health benefits I will rarely use and a 401k plan that, in the end, will pay for half of one month’s rent 70 years from now when I’m forced to retire at the age of 102. A job where my co-workers are not allowed to wear bicycle shorts that show off the shape of their penis.

– I will no longer be afraid of bears, even though I suspect they’re secretly learning to speak Japanese and drive mopeds in some grand scheme to humiliate and/or eat me.

Last minute gift ideas

– A bag of candy you bought from a gas station five minutes before it was time to open presents. Seriously. No one would be upset about this. It’s candy.

– A half-empty box of kleenex. It’s practical and useful. If they don’t like it, then maybe they should find some better friends who don’t drink so much.

– A fart enclosed in a sandwich bag. My brother doesn’t realize it, but I gift him this item each year when I visit his house. It takes many hours to fill all the sandwich bags in his cupboard.

– A “free blowjob” coupon that you meant to give to your boyfriend but accidentally put in a box addressed to your father. Comedy is better than sincerity.

– This column, cut out of the paper. My photo – which I’m pretty sure was taken eight years ago – is so handsome that they won’t even notice how dull and poorly executed my writing is. And how often I end sentences with prepositions and begin sentences with conjunctions.

Guide to television characters

Modern Family

Phil: I’m an idiot, because mainstream audiences can’t handle subtle forms of comedy like sarcasm or clever wordplay. See Michael from The Office, Homer from The Simpsons, Peter from Family Guy, and pretty much every classic character in television history.

Claire: I’m a huge bitch, as are 99.9 percent of wives on television.

Mitchell: I’m gay! Look how gay I am! It’s impossible for a gay person to not be flamboyant and high-strung! Gay! GAY! GAAAAAAY!

Cameron: There are only two types of gay people: Skinny gay and fat gay. I’m fat gay, which makes me sassy instead of neurotic.

I’m turning into a Christmas dad

Whenever someone asks me what I want for Christmas, I look them over and point out something they’re wearing. “Your left shoe. Give me your left shoe for Christmas. Now! Take it off and wrap it!” This usually startles them just long enough so I can sneak away in the confusion and not have to talk to them anymore.

I do this because I hate asking for presents. I’m an adult, so when I want something, I just buy it. If a new music album or movie I like comes out, I don’t hold off so someone else can buy it for me later. I’m an American, damn it. I want everything now. So when Christmas comes, I find myself with little to ask for other than gift cards and extremely specific sexual favors.

This is a trait I inherited from my dad. Every year my mom asks him for a list of things he wants for Christmas, and every year he writes “socks and underwear and nothing” on a sheet of paper and hands it back to her. It’s gotten to the point where we pretty much give him the exact same gifts every year: A golf calendar, golf balls and a flannel shirt that is identical to the other ones he owns. He then complains about the shirt being “a weird color” or “too flashy” and returns it.