- I will stop drinking tap water, because my skin is developing an odd glow to it. The lady at the Water and Power Company said she heard it’s a side effect from masturbating too often, but she said it kind of sarcastically and I think she either doesn’t get paid enough to care or is trying to cover up a massive conspiracy to test X-Men style powers on poor people.

- I will save the environment by taking the bus more often, even though everyone who rides the bus smells like dog shit.

- I will stop shouting “You’re not Tina Fey, you’re just ugly!” at women who wear cat-eye glasses. Sadly, the epidemic is so widespread that half the women wearing these glasses don’t even know Tiny Fey exists.

- I will refer to future girlfriends as “the girlfriend” rather than “that lady who keeps sleeping with me.”

- In an effort to get laid more than once per year, I’ll stop refusing to sleep with women who wear bras and panties that don’t match.

- I will stop putting my lips on drinking fountains, and will count three bouts of hepatitis in one year as a lesson learned.

- I will stop making fun of men named “Elton”, and gifting them sequined outfits for Christmas.

- I will stop harassing farmer’s market stands that sell bananas, even though they deserve it because bananas don’t grow here and they obviously bought them from the supermarket.

- I will dedicate more time to charity, as long as “Charity” is the name of a soon to be released first-person shooter for the Playstation 3.

- I will stop going to the bathroom with the door open, even though it’s my apartment and guests should adjust to my lifestyle, not the other way around.

- I will kiss with my eyes open, just to freak women out.

- I will read an actual book all the way through, without complaining about the tediousness of such a task to people around me.

- I will stop trying to impress women by claiming to be Magic Johnson of the Los Angeles Lakers. It never worked very well anyway.

- I will stop telling children that pregnancy is caused by not going to the bathroom often enough.

- I will stop trying to marry Regina Spektor and start trying to marry that woman from Florence and the Machine. It’s a bit of a downgrade, but it’s important to stay current in Hollywood.

- I will only wear jeans to funerals if the deceased was an asshole.

- I will stop telling people I used to write scripts for the TV show “Maude”.

- I will live each day as if everyone were trying to steal my possessions and my semen were about to expire, just like Ernest Hemingway.

- I will stop telling lies about my publisher, Bob Boone.

- Bob Boone used to fuck penguins.

Jay: I’m Al Bundy. No one’s ever going to see me as anything else, so you might as well just write the character as Al Bundy with a different name.

Gloria: I’m from South America, which means I have huge boobs, a comically thick accent and I sometimes threaten to stab people.

Luke: There are only two types of kids: “Way too smart and mature for their age” kids and “adorable idiot” kids. I’m the latter.

Alex: I’m the first kind of kid. I have glasses, so that way you know I’m the smart and mature one.

Haley: I’m dumb, which makes me the second kind of kid, but since I’m a teenage girl, “adorable” has been upgraded to “extremely attractive.” Pedophilia is all the rage in modern media, and 21-year-old girls who look 14 are pop culture queens.

Manny: I’m the first kind of kid, but extra sophisticated and snooty so I stand out from Alex. I’m mainly on the show because they needed an Hispanic character.

Lily: Speaking of missing ethnicities, I’m an adopted Asian baby. Yay! We collected all the ethnicities!

Mike and Molly

Mike: I’m fat, which would be a refreshing change for television if it weren’t just used as an excuse to tell fat jokes without being criticized.

Molly: See above. I’m basically the same character as Mike. There is zero difference in our personalities. We both talk about farts and pooping with the same frequencency.

New Girl

Jess: “She’s Zooey Deschanel. She’s a celebrity. People will watch her.” That’s the entire transcript of the development meeting for this show. The meeting lasted five minutes, and they were correct. It’s a top rated show, and will remain so for at least five years, when the hipster trend starts to die off and middle-aged men stop fantasizing about banging a hipster girl.

Two Broke Girls

Max: I have huge boobs. Also, I was in a movie once, so people will watch me.

Caroline: I’m blonde, because some guys prefer blondes. I don’t have huge boobs, but I’m dumb enough where guys imagine they could probably talk me into doing anal.

Chuck

Chuck: I’m a regular dude thrown into an extraordinary situation. Guys imagine themselves as me. Or they would, if anyone actually watched this terrible show.

Sarah: I’m hot in a generic sort of way. People are supposed to imagine themselves banging me, but nobody does because there are so many other attractive women who look exactly like me that it’s hard to tell any of us apart.

90210

Annie: I’m a whore. It’s fun.

Dixon: I’m a whore. It’s fun.

Naomi: I’m a whore. It’s fun.

Erin: I’m a whore. It’s fun.

Adrianna: I’m a whore. It’s fun.

How I Met Your Mother

Ted: I’m whiny and boring. I was meant to be the main character, but everyone who watches this show hates me, so now I’m more of a sidekick to other characters. I am a mistake the producers are unable to remove.

Barney: I’m the reason this show exists. No one would watch it otherwise. People want to be me, so they watch me. I’m proof that whores are golden and basically print money for studios, no matter their gender.

Marshall: In contrast to Barney, I’m what most people are like in real life: Normal, but a little goofy. People relate to me, so they like me. However, people wouldn’t watch a show just to see me. I’m just a nice bonus.

Robin: I’m pretty in a way that makes men think they’d have a shot with me in real life. I’m also very independent and representative of a modern day working woman, which attracts a certain kind of female viewer. Much like Marshall, people like me but wouldn’t watch the show just to see me.

Lily: I’m also pretty in a way that makes men think they’d have a shot with me in real life. I’m also very mom-like, which attracts a certain kind of female viewer. Much like Marshall, people like me but wouldn’t watch the show just to see me.

Hart of Dixie

Zoe: Rachel Bilson is a doctor? Who the hell wrote this horseshit? Everyone who had a hand in green-lighting this show needs to be put to sleep.