The only thing Duluth ever gets is hand-me-downs. Popular bands don’t play here until they’re 10 years past their prime. Artistic, Oscar-worthy movies aren’t seen in the region until they’re released on DVD. All our high-quality gay weathermen leave for Minneapolis after a year. Newspaper readers in the cities get James Lileks, while we’re stuck with crappy writers like . . . well, like me.
Then last week I heard that a group of white supremacists are planning a rally in Duluth to protest the anti-racism billboards in town. I said, “Oh my God, the Ku Klux Klan is coming? That’s terrible!” Nope. It’s some group of nobodies called The Supreme White Alliance. C’mon, man. We can’t even get big name racists in this town? We’re stuck with second-tier white supremacists? This is like buying tickets for a Chris Rock show and then finding out Andy Dick is performing instead. The Supreme White Alliance is the Andy Dick of racist groups.
I mean, look at their name. If they have to add the word “supreme” to the title themselves, then they’re probably not that supreme at all. If they were truly the most supreme group, they’d just call themselves The White Alliance, and everyone else would add the word “supreme” to it. In fact, if they were as grand and phenomenal as they suggest, they’d call themselves The Alliance of Inbred Twats and allow their supremacy to transcend their name.
Also, when I think of the word “supreme”, I mainly think of Taco Bell.
A lot of people might think it’s gutsy for me to write a column making fun of these neo-nazis. It’s not. Their “huzzah for white people” rally, or whatever it’s called, is expected to bring as few as 20 racists to town. That won’t even fill half the porno store on East 1st Street. One could argue that the cold weather this time of year is hurting our lucrative bigotry tourism industry, but I disagree. I think their numbers are small because their entire group is a dozen sad old men sitting in an unfinished basement, desperately searching for someone else to blame for their mediocre, ineffective lives. For Christ’s sake, Robert Hester, the leader of the group “from Illinois to the West Coast” lives in Superior, WI. He can’t be doing very well for himself. If Hester were truly a supreme white person, he’d be running a chain of snowmobile stores on the east side of Duluth and wouldn’t have time to worry about the color of people’s skin.
To amuse myself, I searched for Hester online and found his Twitter account. The contents, though only 19 tweets long, didn’t disappoint. He tries to wish Adolf Hitler a happy birthday in German, but misspells both Hitler’s name and the German word for “victory”. He also replies angrily to an automated Yahoo News account, calling the inanimate tweet-producing machine a “Jew boy”. In perhaps his most daring move, he encourages his followers to take an occupy protesting group’s e-mail address and sign it up for spam mail.
I can’t imagine why he’s failed so much in life. It will forever be an unsolved mystery that confounds even the greatest scholars.
Even when he’s saying things out loud, where misspelling is impossible, he still sounds like an idiot. He told the Minneapolis Star Tribune that the anti-racism billboards were “reverse discrimination” against white people, unintentionally implying that he believes they aren’t discriminatory against white people at all. I’ve been thinking of taking a cue from Hester and adding erroneous reverse statements to my daily vocabulary, just for fun. “Oh man, I’d love to go to lunch with you, but I can’t. I just ate, so I’m totally reverse not hungry right now.”
If it only took me three minutes to become reverse impressed with Hester, and he’s the leader of half the country’s members for this group, I can’t wait to see how dense the members deemed unfit for leadership will be. I half expect most of them to be cast members of ill-fated reality TV programming. Perhaps they’re all people who became racists after being rejected from “Jersey Shore” for having skin that wasn’t orange enough.
There are plenty more jokes to make, but what’s the point? It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Can we cancel the whole Alliance of Moops rally, not out of concern, but out of boredom? I don’t mind putting up with some sleazeballs once in a while – it’s part of the Twin Ports region’s charm – but I’d like it to at least be worth my time. You’re talking to Paul Ryan here. John Marder – the UWS professor accused of allegedly sexually assaulting students on multiple occasions – was my college advisor for four years. I had to write news articles for the college newspaper about him allegedly jacking off in front of students, and then show up for three of his classes the day after it was printed.
I’ve dealt with twisted. I’ve dealt with awkward. I’ve seen the weird, my friends. If you’re going to give me an adversary, make it one that challenges me. Right now all this group is producing in me is a sleepy yawn. Racists are so last century.