It’s that time again, reader. That special day when lovers make a point to show they care. A once per year chance for those with a secret crush to reveal their affections and not come off as a creepy stalker. A kind, heartfelt day when parents of single women send them chocolates or flowers at work, so their co-workers won’t make jokes about seeing their vagina offered as a dusty antique on Pawn Stars.
“Chumlee wouldn’t buy it,” said Rick, your annoyingly over-confident co-worker. “He said it takes up too much space, and would sit on his shelf for a year before anyone wanted it.”
It’s a day of love and romantic dinners. A day of long walks in the moonlight and grand gestures. A day of suddenly panicking, telling your wife you’re going outside for a smoke and then sprinting to the gas station to pay $100 for a tiny box of chocolates so you don’t get in trouble. A day for counting tiles on the ceiling as your drunk, obese husband grunts and drips sweat all over you, desperately trying to last more than 15 seconds, failing, and passing out on top of you.
This special day of love I’m talking about is, of course, Presidents Day. It’s the sexiest day of the year. Unlike Valentine’s Day, you actually get the day off, so you can bang your significant other all day long. Unlike Valentine’s Day, dinner at a mediocre restaurant won’t cost you $80 and require a reservation three months in advance. Unlike Valentine’s Day, Presidents Day has no pressure and no expectations, so it’s the perfect time to surprise someone with something romantic, like a dildo of Abe Lincoln’s Beard from Spencer’s Gifts, on sale now for the low, low price of $59.99.
Spencer’s Gifts has dildos, right? The last time I went to one of their stores was 20 years ago when I bought a cassette tape that taught me how to curse in Spanish. I don’t think they had dildos back then, but I’m assuming, based on the natural progression and evolution of our society, that they now sell dildos, torture porn videos and tiny Asian sex slaves who were forcibly smuggled here from the Philippines.
Presidents Day is a celebration of men, but it can be quite the turn-on for ladies. Powerful men, corrupt and dangerous, battling the odds to change the world in which they live. It’s like an episode of Mad Men, but with much, much more chlamydia.
And for you fellas, you might not think there’s anything sexy about a bunch of old dudes passing laws and writing proclamations, but if you squint really hard, the wig George Washington wore kinda makes him look like Gwen Stefani. And for those of you who are gay, if you squint tremendously hard, Gwen Stefani kinda looks like Fergie, who kinda looks like Michael Douglas.
If you’re a lesbian, I offer you no help, because I’m still angry that I’ll never get to bang Portia de Rossi. You already had Eleanor Roosevelt, lesbians! Stop being greedy!
If I weren’t an unbearable, horrid person with no respect for anyone and was actually able to find a woman to put up with me, here’s what I would do on Presidents Day: I’d wait for her to get in the shower, and then I’d turn on some soft Barry White music. When she poked her head out of the shower to ask “What the hell is that stupid bullshit you’re playing,” I’d be standing right there, nude, wearing a Thomas Jefferson mask on my face and a William Howard Taft mask on my butt. I don’t think I need to go into details about what would happen next.
You can do the same, reader! You can have a sexy Taft adventure in the shower, or in the bathroom of an Arby’s restaurant, or in the sidecar of your hipster scooter. You can make Presidents Day into Boner Day, but without the stress and corporate shilling of Valentine’s Day. You’re not getting laid because Hallmark told you to, or because a bunch of priests were murdered in 496 AD. You’re down to bang because you love America.
And also because I told you to bang. Paul Ryan, a homeless guy in his thirties who eats slices of cheese plain from the refrigerator, told you to bang. But don’t think of it like that! It’s sexy! Oooh, presidents and democracy! Soaring eagles and . . . Geena Davis.
It’s high time Presidents Day became something useful, something we can look forward to every year rather than just being surprised that it exists. Let’s honor our presidents while also getting laid. Let’s abandon all the corporate drama and hassle of Valentine’s Day. Then in 50 years when Presidents Day is the huge hassle that makes us miserable, we can switch back to Valentine’s Day again.
