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Archives: Apr 2012

Buy me these birthday gifts or I will stab you

Listen up, assholes. My birthday is next week, and I expect a ton of shit from you people. Tons and tons of shit. An endless array of presents, the brilliance of which hasn’t been seen since Mr. T had that Saturday morning cartoon show where he solved mysteries with gymnasts.

On that note, the first present I require is Mr. T cereal. I know it hasn’t been produced since 1986, but figure it out, people. Find it. If I don’t wake up the morning of my birthday with Mr. T cereal already poured into my mouth, ready for chewing/breakfasting, I will throw a temper tantrum that will make Naomi Campbell’s temper tantrums feel like a free blowjob.

I have a large list of required gifts this year, and you will buy all of them for me. You will buy them for me or I will kill you dead. I desire and require the following items: $5,000 in unmarked and non-sequential bills, a unicorn that won’t make me look gay when I ride it, a banana tree that’s just tall enough where I can lean out my apartment window and take bananas from it, my column published in The Atlantic Monthly with all curse words intact, a signed art print of Huey Lewis’ “Fore” album cover without any fucking snide commentary about it, and Lizzy Caplan and Kristen Bell. Just bring them to my apartment. I’ll handle the rest, using a little bit of Paul’s Charm.

Paul’s Charm is a drink made of lime Kool-Aid and sleeping pills.

Why I was late to work today

Paul is riding the bus to work when a hobo sits next to him.

Hobo: Hey man, got any Kit Kats?

Paul: What?

Hobo: You got any Kit Kat bars?

Paul: You’re panhandling for Kit Kat candy bars?

Hobo: Yes.

Paul: Doesn’t that seem . . . a little specific? Maybe you should just ask people for change, and then you can use the change to buy Kit Kat bars.

Hobo: Seems like you want me to add a middleman. I don’t care for that. These days, our country produces useless middle management workers almost exclusively.

Paul: Do you even know what country you’re in right now?

Hobo: Spain?

HR is reading this, and I don’t care

I have a job interview coming up, and since my columns are available online, I should probably be on my best behavior this week. I should probably write a faux column about how much I love kittens, or how mean Hitler was, or perhaps share a really great recipe for apple brown betty. It would be smart to do that, but honestly, I don’t give a shit.

I cease to give a shit. I shant give a shit. I hath none shits to giveth, evermore.

I know human resources people will research me online. I know they’ll find a treasure trove of offensive material that any dope could use to make a case against hiring me. It’s almost impossible not to do so. I’ve published 1,202 humor columns over the past decade. 1,201 of them include the word “poop”. The comedy troupes I’ve been in have produced a dozen videos online where I make a fool of myself. My favorite is titled, “Rape Cologne”.

Duluth Diarrhea Park closes after clean water found in swimming pool

Health officials are reporting that up to three people may have left Duluth’s Diarrhea Park last week without contracting any diseases. The park usually infects up to 3,000 people per week with cryptosporidiosis, a diarrheal illness that provides weeks of quality time on the toilet.

“It’s a water park. Please stop calling it a Diarrhea Park,” said Tom Franklin, owner of the Diarrhea Park. “It’s very unusual for people to get sick from water parks. We had a few cases of cryptosporidiosis last week, and we apologize for that, but the problem is fixed and there’s no reason to write sarcastic news articles pretending that we purposely give people the runs.”

Water parks and public swimming pools are well known for purposely giving people the runs. They specialize almost exclusively in filthy, pee-ridden water seasoned with toddler poop and dead skin from elderly people. Those who visit water parks usually do so because they enjoy forcefully swallowing other people’s pee as they dive into the water from a platform ripe with invisible foot fungi. Chlorine helps to give the diseases a tangy flavor, but if too much is used, the diseases are killed, leaving only clean water and chest hair from Finnish men in the pool.

April Fools news briefs

Sadly, I didn’t have much time to work on April Fools stories for the Reader Weekly this year, but I wrote a few news briefs for them, posted below. It’s mostly local stuff, but perhaps a few people will get the jokes.