Every June, assuming I’m sober enough to remember what month it is, I give advice to graduating students. These students then base their entire lives on my advice, succeeding or failing in life only because of how closely they followed my genius. Or I assume so, at least.
Skeptics may note that I’m not technically a genius. They may also note that a few minutes before writing this column, I accidentally sat on my own arm and was surprised to have done so. Do not listen to these jealous fools. Just listen to my advice, which is sound:
– If you’re giving an important presentation at work and your groin itches, do not try to subtly scratch it by leaning against the edge of the conference table. You’re not fooling anyone, Itchy McTableballs.
– If you can make it to the age of 25 without gaining 30 pounds, then you’ll do better than 97 percent of people in your graduating class.
– If you have student loans of more than $25,000, then you overpaid.
– If you have student loans of more than $50,000, then you’re an idiot.
– If you have student loans of more than $100,000 and are not a doctor or lawyer, you should fake your own death and live the rest of your life in Twatsville, which is a fake city in Wiener’s Cove, which is a fake cove in the Chinese Pacific Ocean, which is a fake ocean I pretend exists when I’m making up fake coves and cities.
– Stop going to strip clubs. The internet is cheaper and more affectionate.
– Never sleep with another man’s woman, throw up in his car or fart in his chair. These three pillars make up The Pyramid of Grace.
– Many students celebrate their graduation with rebellious activities. Tattoos are no longer rebellious or daring. Perhaps having a wooden leg will be the new rage.
– Remember in old western movies, when a horse would break its leg and the cowboy would have to shoot it? If you have earned a degree in journalism, creative writing or anything related to radio, then you are the horse.
– Ladies, if a man has not bought you a steak, a lobster or jewelry, then you’re doing yourself a disservice by giving him anything beyond a dry handjob.
– Gentlemen, if a woman makes you sit through a long-winded, boring story about how much smarter she is than her co-workers, but doesn’t listen to your long-winded, boring story about classic cars, sports or Star Wars, then she’s not holding up her end of the bargain.
– The age rule for dating – “half your age plus seven” – does not apply if both people are ugly.
– The only person turned on by Axe cologne or other products are the executives who sell it, and possibly the deranged idiots who own Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister stores.
– People who encourage “high-fives” after the age of 22 should be forced to live on an island with everyone else who still wants to give high-fives to people. That’s not really a tip for students, it’s just something I’m rather angry about at the moment.
– Nobody cares about your GPA outside of college. If you earned a 4.0, then you wasted your time. My GPA was a 0.3, and I own a toaster that can toast four pieces of bread at once. Four! At one time! Beat that, grades whores.
– Hunter S. Thompson is great. So is Jack Kerouac. But isn’t it time you read something a little less stereotypical for a college student?
– Wear a condom at all times, 24 hours per day. You never know when you might trip and accidentally ejaculate into a stranger’s vagina.
– Gentlemen: If you have a choice between a great-looking shirt that always needs ironing or a mediocre-looking shirt that never needs ironing, you should choose whichever option requires less ironing.
– Ladies: Much like circus stilts or medieval torture, high heels are best used only on special occasions.
– If you’re thinking of moving somewhere exciting, remember this: New York is dirty, overpriced and full of rats. Los Angeles is smoggy, pretentious and full of douchebags. But New Zealand has ponies. Ponies!
– If your aim is a little more local, remember this: Minneapolis is artsy but dull. Milwaukee is lively but ghetto. Chicago is cultured but has terrible weather. But New Zealand has ponies! Goddamn ponies! Come on, man!
– If you manage to reach the age of 30 without becoming jaded and bitter towards the majority of mankind, please sell me a baggie of whatever hallucinogen you’re using. I can pay you in jokes, snarky remarks or stray cats from my neighborhood.